Sepia Senses...

I'm sorry Miss Lofton...I am for real

2012-02-16T14:44:00.008-05:00

I couldn't care less about Valentine's Day this year.

Couldn't. Care. Less.

The one person in the whole world whose call or text would have meant the world to me had already proven himself to not care by neglecting to remember my Quarter of the Century Birthday.

So I went about like it was a normal day; because it was.

I tried to think about why I should be so unlucky in romantic love (I fully acknowledge that I have an embarassament of riches when it comes to loving friends and family) and I can only think of JB Lofton.

JB.

He was one of only two black boys in our lifted Gifted and Talented class and for some reason he fancied me. He let me know this by teasing me incessantly. I didn't care at the time and was more annoyed than hurt. I was much more concerned with beating Oregon Trail and making sure I didn't forget my homework.

It was one of the many times of year when various extracurricular groups

This is the only possible reason I can think of as to why love hasn't shined down on me.

Maybe one day, I'll have the opportunity to see JB and apologise for being a little twit. Maybe in the meantime, my love life will change for the better.

Reflections for the New Year

2012-01-15T22:34:00.003-05:00

I did something either very brave or very foolish at the end of December. Either way it was very honest. More on that as the month progresses.

I entered 2012 with optimism and hope and so far I haven't abandoned them. Yet.

I made a new friend. A Parisienne. I overheard her (attractive) friend speaking French and I vacillated between asking where they were from, en Francais, and not. I did. I'm glad I did, as most times I am when I've had the courage to walk up to people. We met for drinks this evening (rather, I had a cider, as a practising Muslim, my new friend doesn't drink)and got to know each other a bit. It's just as weird going on a friend date as it is going on a date for a romantic venture.

Life doesn't get less complicated as you grow older, it gets more complexed and nuanced, but perhaps more flavorful too. We'll see what the future holds, for now I have to take solace in the fact that I followed my heart...and nothing wrong ever occurs when that happens.

Right?

"Oh goodness how the time has flewn..."

2011-12-10T14:55:00.003-05:00

Here we are, December 2011. A year from now the world will end, or so they say. But as for now, it exists.I'm in a weird place. A confidante says it's "adjustment disorder"...I think it's just freaking out about all the ch-ch-ch-ch-changes happening in my life. My unhappiness stems from a lot of sources.

Foreign Language.Class.

2011-08-06T18:41:00.000-04:00

He said he that what he found to be most attractive was that I was "well-educated". To him that meant that I speak French fairly well and no a few words and phrases in a handful of other languages. Spanish.Arabic.Hebrew.

He taught me "My name is..." in Arabic.

stop.this.train.

2011-08-06T18:40:00.000-04:00

i feel overwhelmed and despondent and melancholic. my role in my family is changing and i'm not sure i like it, nor do i know if i can handle this new role.

there's really no preparation for going from a child to adolescent to a young adult who tries to make their parents proud, to a young adult who tries to help her family because of the new context it finds itself in.

i wanted to go to hawaii at the end of september and know i shouldn't, because my family can use the money more. love means obligation and responsibility. one shouldn't be too swift to bandy the word about.

the tightrope between selfishness and responsibility.

Love Soon?

2011-07-08T23:03:00.006-04:00

There are several songs that I feel exemplify my situation; the best one is by the sage John Mayer in Love Soon's chorus:
"You can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
It's not about you now
It's what we are..."

I've known this guy for 6 years. This is significant to me because there are a few people I've known for that long. Continuity is not one of the results of moving around often and living in 7 different states...so it goes. I met this guy when we were day camp counselors in the H. I noticed him, but forgot him until he nearly cut off my head with a frisbee in an intense round of counselor frisbee golf. Our flirtation grew that summer and when I went to school, I didn't know if we'd stay in touch.
We did.
4 years later I moved to France. Here we are 6 years removed from my near frisbee decapitation. We're in a cycle of out of state visits, embraces, and adventures. I don't know what to do or if anything should be done.
I DO however think that I'm sick of the slew of movies such as Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached and Love and Other Drugs that portray characters, especially women, who are blase and even repulsed by being in relationships.

I don't like this whole in limbo thing. Purgatory is not my bag of tricks. I'm supposed to be a free-spirited twentysomething, but I'm realizing more and more there's something to be said for commitment, stability, et al.

Disclaimer: this post NOT brought to you by everyone and their brother getting married.

Is this real life?

2011-05-07T00:34:00.004-04:00

The last time I blogged was August of 2010. How is it already May 2011? Is this real life?
Since last time, I've moved to Dallas. Started working at a non-profit organization of sorts. Started establishing myself and am trying to refashion myself into an adult.

Nothing up to this point, or maybe everything up to this point has prepared me for this "adulthood"...more on that another day.

To say this has been an odd week would be an understatement.
I started off the week sharing my feelings in the most ridiculous of fashions with a long term friend. (As if I had never seen a bad romantic comedy in my life)Spent the rest of this week stressing out about that situation. Ever time my BlackBerry would light up, I thought it was him. It wasn't.

Then one day, out of the blue this individual contacted me after three years of nothingness. I shouldn't say nothingness. Three years of non-communication = several months of sporadic tears, daily prayers and finally about 2.85 years of acceptance and living. And now this.

I don't know what to do.

My mum seems to think my life is hilarious. Glad someone is laughing :)

Susbstitute Me-A Review

2010-08-17T13:51:00.015-04:00

Disclaimer: I was a biased reader of this novel. I wanted to love it, and thus probably loved it even more than I would have, had I had no knowledge of Lori Tharps and Kinky Gazpacho so take the following with a grain of salt.
Substitute Me is author Lori Tharps' debut novel. She has previously co-written a book on African-American hair, which I haven't read and Kinky Gazpacho, which I read and loved.

Jose Ortega y Gasset, Spanish philosopher and essayist, wrote "yo so yoy y mi circunstancia" I am myself and my circumstances. Tharps seems to take this maxim to heart, as her circumstances naturally color and flavor her writing and world view. Multicultural themes play a huge part in her life. (Read Kinky Gazpacho, I shall not spill the beans)

One of the protagonists of Substitute Me is familiar to me. An upper middle class African-American woman with a love for elsewhere. Zora finds herself in New York City after time in France trying to find herself. Substitute Me is the story of her time nannying and all that that entails.

Our other protagonist is an ambitious,Type-A mom who is about to go back to work. While her world is unfamiliar to me, her story is just as compelling.

Two worlds collide as two women from similar backgrounds,but vastly different world views come into contact in a well-written story that will make you question what you think and know about relationships, class, race and love. Tharps writes easily and confidently about race without preaching, yet provides the opportunity for deeper discussions to occur.

Substitute Me is a great novel and I can't wait for its August 24th 2010 debut so everyone can benefit and love this story.
You can pre-order it on Amazon.com
If you decide not to pre-order, go ahead and scoop it up at your local bookstore of choice.

*Image taken from the Simon and Schuster Canadian site for the Book*

Susbstitute Me-book review coming :)

2010-08-09T22:08:00.003-04:00

One of my favourite current authors, Lori Tharps has her debut novel being released on August 24, 2010.
I will have the pleasure of receiving a copy gratis before the release date so I can read it and review it. To say I'm stoked would be an understatement.
I first fell in love with Tharps' writing with "Kinky Gazpacho"
I felt like I was reading my life, just from someone older and who was a Hispanophile compared to my love of the Francophilia. Her writing style is warm and inviting and her narrative is such a great story.

Sigh.

I can't wait to receive, read and love "Substitute Me" and who knows, even re-start my manuscript.

"Losing My Cool..." A review

2010-07-20T13:44:00.023-04:00

My summer has been filled with books. In between longing for my return to France and acclimating to the Midwest I've read several books. Only one has compelled me to write about it: "Losing My Cool: How a Father's Love and 15,000 Books Beat Hip-Hop Culture"

*Disclaimer* Image taken from www.amazon.com

For people who have struggled with the conflict between fitting in and standing out,not feeling "black enough" , or simply with who they want to be, Thomas Chatterton Williams' first book is an invitation to decide. In "Losing My Cool: How a Father's Love and 15,000 Books Beat Hip-Hop Culture", Williams shares his journey from a caricature of hip-hop culture to an individual character.
Williams' memoir is the story of a young boy, who happens to be mixed, who is constantly pulled between two poles: the love his father has for him and learning and the most negative aspects of a seductive hip-hop culture that colored and discolored his interactions with his world.
Williams' story could be that of any black kid in the suburbs who tries to "keep it real", while unknowingly being fake. He shares his evolution without casting dispersions on those still caught up in image. This empathy is what keeps his narrative from being pretentious. He also stays away from stating that hip-hop is the devil.
Because it's not.
It's the importance that people place on the hip-hop image that is detrimental to their individual growth.

I will say that perhaps the title is misleading. I don't identify hip-hop the way Williams does. To me hip-hop is Lauryn Hill, Common, Mos Def, and The Roots to name a few. I wasn't allowed to listen to Biggie and a whole host of rapper when I was younger. I can identify with Williams to a certain extent. I,too,was sometimes not "black enough" but I couldn't even fake the funk, nor did I have a desire to. My own journey to hip-hop was a weird one. Growing up we listened to soul classics and country music more than anything else. I could sing you several George Strait songs before I could ever share 16 bars of Biggie. It wasn't until I got to college that I was introduced to hip-hop in a way where I could befriend it and it wasn't until my first heartbreak when I came to love it. So I've never been caught up in the desire to implement what I saw portrayed in some videos and songs.

I've read critiques of "Losing My Cool" that seem to disagree with a premise that I don't believe Williams makes. Hip-hop is not the root of all evil. (Nor does he exhibit self-hate.) I can see how one might think he is equating hip-hop culture with the whole of black culture. Again, I don't think he is. If anything he makes a case for reconsidering black culture's relationship to hip-hop (idealising entertainers over educators)and the case for the importance of individuality. Lastly, some will take offence to some of his black characters. Some are less than ideal individuals, such is life. That was his reality.

Not to criticise young Williams, but he did himself a world of hurt by forfeiting his choice to define himself. He says, "It was much easier to mime stereotypes than to invent ourselves as individuals."
The birth of Williams as an individual is an admirable one. From his imagined hard knock sometimes gritty streets of Jersey to the posh streets of Georgetown, Williams brings up several interesting, important questions that deserve answering or at least pondering: What is the nature of individuality? What does it mean to be black? What is real? How can one embrace hip-hop without being smothered by its negative aspects? Williams didn't set out to defend black culture or castrate hip-hop culture he simply has shared one narrative of millions about his relationship with the two-which of course are not synonymous.

Williams' story comes down to this (self-evident?) fact: there's more than one way to be black. Not every young black man must be an athlete or rapper. Not every young black woman must use her physical attributes for gain. Nor should they aspire to. Centuries after slavery's abolition, we are free to be individuals, but one would think it's easier to be enslaved to something whether it be to ignorance itself or ignorant images and messages.

This book is as relevant as it is timeless. It's well written and engaging. In an age where the United States of America has a black president it's time to reconsider how we as a people and as individuals will be defined. Hip-hop is not the only music that enriches the black American experience. It is a jazz number breathed to life by Miles or Louie Armstrong. It is a blues lament sung by Ella or Bessie Smith . Or it can be a country song shared by Charlie Pride or Darius Rucker.
Read this book and decide for yourself.

By the time I was finished reading this book, I wanted to force my younger brother to read it. However, I suspect that Williams would warn against this however well-intentioned act. No one can make anyone better. It's an individual choice.
Here's to choosing to be an individual instead of a negative image of a culture.

Blog Your Way Around the World

2010-07-16T18:50:00.005-04:00

I just discovered this contest and to say I'm stoked would be an understatement.
My task is to write a 400 word essay (only 400 words?!) about why "I should be selected – including how you will blog from the road should you win"
So, I have a goal in mind and a possibility.

Here it goes.
I love seeing new places and meeting new faces.
I could blame it on my parents-we moved a lot when I was younger, living in seven different states .This experience of having to adapt and learn to love where I am has stuck with me. I could blame my parents, but the truth is that , I must take responsibility for the declaration and decision at age seven that I would move to France one day.
My mother, says she remembers being surprised then, but when I left Omaha spring semester of my Junior year she remembered the declaration. When I returned to France a year later to teach English, she believed me. So my love of travel has existed for awhile. When I was in France most recently, I had the opportunity to travel a bit more throughout the European continent. I would send e-mails and blog posts back to family and friends. In February, I saw the beauty of Northern Italy. The colours of Verona's buildings mixed with the tastes of true Bolognese cuisine enticed me. I was thankful for a first taste of Italy and looked forward to April holidays when I would visit Sweden and Spain. I planned for these trips anxious to drop a few words of Swedish on my friend's family and experiment with my rudimentary Spanish.Then a volcano from a small island country struck me and thousands of other tourists-Eyjafjallajökull . I still can't pronounce its name, I can only pronounce the unquenched thirst for travel that I missed because of its eruption. I am always anxious for a new adventure -especially one that involves a new locale.
If selected, I would share the love I have for travel with the help of my faithful laptop.I would also synch a microblogging site to keep followers up on minute-by-minute updates using my smart phone. There is such a wide world out there and I've only been to six countries. I would love the chance to see and share more.
So, vote for me . Merci, Gracias,Todah Rabah and Thank you.

Time flies...

2010-07-16T18:30:00.003-04:00

Wow, so it's been a minute since I've written anything.
I didn't realise it until a friend shared the last post I wrote about a beautiful person we knew who died too soon. For us.
Since then, April left the map to join the other months in the grave of days. May came and went too fast, I loved Marc, and my students and left them in turn.
June came and I adjusted and moped and made my peace with where I am. And July has started with promise,ascended to greatness and I hope it plateaus here.At least for awhile.
I've recently come back from a trip to Norman to see my friends, sisters really.
I was worried about seeing them. Worried that nine months had made a gap we couldn't or wouldn't bridge. Worried that 8 days would be too much and that I would kill, or more likely, be killed by one of my friends.
But it was lovely. And too brief as I knew in my heart of hearts it would be.
I'm going to get back into this thing. If nothing else, but to keep up with telling stories. I'm thinking of starting a section of stories called "To Sirs with Love" stories about guys I've loved. Or something like it.
Tis all for now.

Lord, when she sung

2010-04-18T14:19:00.002-04:00

Ashlee T. Madison the Great, Jr.
Lord ,when she sung,
It moved you.
Hips swaying, feet tapping, head moving, soul stirring movement.
When she smiled you felt thankful. Thankful that the sun had dropped a bit of its light some years ago.
When she called me beautiful, I wondered if she knew the definition, because she was one of the most beautiful women I've met. A soul that couldn't help but escape through her eyes and smile and skin. Beauty, light and love radiating.
I didn't know her well, but I got to stand in her light for a little while.
Got to see her bounce, glide or walk across campus.
Or just see her smile.
But,Lord, when she sung.

Best laid plans of Mice and Men

2010-04-18T13:53:00.005-04:00

So, it's Sunday, 18 April.
Instead of being in Barcelona, I am in my bed in Les Sables d'Olonne. I'm annoyed,but trying to not be.
If I've learned anything from The Roots and Chinue Achebe it's that things fall apart. A force of nature/act of God as you wish although I would hope that God didn't have it in for me for wanting to go to Barcelona. I was going to be good)
This damn volcano.
Let me start with the altruistic, good Kayle part:
I'm thankful the volcanic activity didn't have any fatalities, it could have been Pompeii and that's all bad.
I'm thankful that I was able to stay with a true friend, Celine, in Paris instead of in limbo.
I'm thankful I got to see my friend Nathan from like 5 years ago.
I'm thankful for how efficient and helpful Air France was. It was really impressive. I told the lady how surprised and thankful I was because I really was.
I'm thankful that I made it back to Les Sables and that the weather is beautiful and hot so I can at least have some beach time.

The fail saga began Thursday. I woke up at 5am to catch a 5h45 train. I was ready. I bought a Swedish travel phrase book to impress Tobbe's friends and parents. I bought a backpack. You know the ones, the "I'm hiking across Europe" ones, except I was taking trains and planes.
I was stoked.
I get to Paris at 10h33 plenty of time to grab a fast fallafel at my favourite falafel place in France and head to Charles deGaulle.
Then at around 11h I received a text informing me flight was cancelled, thanks for understanding. I didn't understand. Went out to CDG to assess the situation and was reminded of the volcano that I had dismissed. I read about them evacuating parts of Iceland because of a fear of flooding,but that was the last I paid attention.
The lovely AirFrance rep booked me on a new flight which I thought was for Friday,but wasn't and I went to explore the Marais. The Marais (4 and 5th arrondisements or districts) are heavily Jewish and I love it. Each time I come to Paris, without fail, except Fridays and Saturdays for Sabbath, I go to L'as du Fallafel. It's reportedly the best falafel in Europe. A friend suggested that I try another fallafel place perhaps I should, but why?
Why try something that could be less than the best when I'm pretty sure outside of Israel this is as real as it gets? Replete with yelling, attractive, only feigning annoyance Israelis. Bon, get my falafel eat it, decide to go to the Musee de la Shoah. The Shoah museum. Not exactly uplifting,but important.
I'm glad I went. And I'm glad that France is,at least in that moment, dealing with the complicity of its leaders during that time. A post for another time.
Wandered around the Marais and eventually Celine got off from her internship. I was blessed to run into a really nice Parisienne, Jennifer, who helped me find a convenient meeting place because Chatelet, the stop, was too big. We talked about my life in France and she shared her desire to leave Paris for a variety of reasons. I empathised with her more than she knew.
The next day I tried again the whole leaving thing, but to no avail. Flight after flight was cancelled and I decided to try to find an Air France store. I walked along the Champs Elysees with a fury. I searched and searched only to walk into IranAir hoping they could help point me to an AirFrance location. I pulled a number looked around, felt uncomfortable and left.
Finally, I remembered there was a street of embassies near by. My brain remembered a Canadian flag waving from my last trip to Paris amidst the Gucci store, 5 star restaurants and beautifully expensive flats.
Never have I ever been so excited to see a Canadian. I asked the young security guard and he directed me to Les Invalides. I thanked him with probably more than a hint of desperation in my voice.
I reach Les Invalides only to find the longest line of my life. If you know me, you know I hate lines. HATE THEM.
Yet, I had no choice. I said a prayer for my sanity an waited. 20 minutes later I was talking to an Air France representative who I felt compelled to compliment. Usually I make fun of the French for being feckless, but this time I was so impressed by their work ethic I almost felt bad for years of bashing them.
I was helped by a young man who informed me that my original ticket had been rebooked for Saturday(!) and not Friday as I had thought. So I hadn't missed a new flight, I was still booked for one. However as life turns out Charles de Gaulle was closed until...now I believe so Stockholm became a no go.
Discouraged and disheartened I went back to Celine's.
The next day I went to SNCF to see if there were any trains to Barcelona.
Nada. Not a blessed one.
I tarried with the gentleman for a good 20 minutes hoping he could finagle away,but to no avail. The next trains available would arrive Wednesday when I had to be back in Paris to greet my friend Nick and his father for their trip which...
Has been postponed.
So faced with this disappointment and annoyance I am back in Les Sables d'Olonne.
I know it could be worse and it doesn't make me any happier to know that so many people are affected and some trying to get home. I'm grateful I had a friend to stay with. Grateful that I got home. Grateful that my home happens to be near the beach.
But God, how I wanted to go to Stockholm and Barcelona. Oh well, the best laid plans of Mice and Men...

Updates

2010-04-12T11:16:00.002-04:00

*Vacances! Je suis en vacances
I leave for Stockholm Thursday-Sunday,then Barcelona Sunday-Thursday then Paris, Normandy Beaches and then Paris back to Les Sables.Phew :) Bring it!
*Hosting Couchsurfers for the first time. Really sweet family of 3 who brought me a bottle of plum brandy(?) from their garden. Cheers!
*Went out on a date ( hate that word) with a co-worker...(Someone needs to stop me from dating Frenchmen)
*Will be home in less than 2 months
*Still looking for employment until I receive word whether I've been re-accepted for next year

I'm dancing in the midst of uncertainty. The sunlight has brought me back to 100% Kayle and dah dah dah dah dah I'm lovin' it!

Wait, say what? Week

2010-03-26T12:14:00.001-04:00

So, I LOVE my job. (if you can call it that)
I worked a total of 8 hours this week *Tuesday was a strike day and Wednesdays, I have off*
And I got to spend time with students whom I love and who stay crazy.
We'll take today for instance:
I've had a little cough for the past couple of days and had a coughing fit in class. I said (in English) I'm going to die and then translated it into French. At first the five boys in class just looked at me, then as I walked to the back of the class to cough one (who looks like a leprechaun and is as mischievous jumps up from the floor (we were watching Remember the Titans) and runs after me saying "Miss, miss, I can do CPR?" and the others yelling "Sur la bouche!" (on the mouth)
Next story.
Another faculty member comes in (who I may or may not have a crush on and who may or may not reciprocate/initiate) to hand a student a note and flashes a beautiful smile. Same kid who was trying to resuscitate me unnecessarily says in French (as if I'm deaf and not able to speak or understand French) "il la kiffe (he likes her) I try not to blush and get them to stop making me seem like I had no control (which I did)
When I was preparing to go home for the afternoon I ran into the aforementioned faculty member and have a petit conversation with him. The kids (again forgetting or not caring that I speak French) say "Ah, regardes **** il drague" (Look at.....he's trying to mack/pull /hit on whatever) To which he replies
"J'ai pas le droit?" (Don't I have the right)
Shake my head.
One last thing, one of the teachers I'd consider a friend. He tries to speak English asks about my family, friends, life etc.Cool dude, yet acts out of pocket often in a childish you need to go to time out way. Last week he made me give him bisous (kisses on the cheek)after he fixed the copy machine (by fixed I mean pushed a button) and then this week while just answering questions in English this one about ice cream flavours I respond chocolate chip cookie dough to which he says "Oh, chocolat, I can see why" while winking.

At least they keep me smiling :)

Chosen friends

2010-03-24T16:13:00.004-04:00

*Random*
I miss having Jewish friends. One of my friends was talking on Facebook about how she's having to eat all of her chametz (refers to bread, grains and leavened products that are not consumed on the Jewish holiday of Passover)It's almost Passover and ever since I was a wee little lass, I used to read the Passover story and then a few weeks later (usually)it would be time for Easter. It was a pleasant holiday season. I think I especially connect with Passover not only because of the religious narrative, but the historical narrative of Americans descended from enslaved Africans.
When I was like 11, probably, my mum bought me this great book "This is the Matzah that Papa brought Home" because I really wanted it. It's a great book and a lot of fun. However, I never got to experience a true Passover seder until last year with my good friend Misheala. It was such a beautiful experience and I felt right at home and also thankful she chose to share her family and this special holiday with me and some of her other friends. This year I'll probably just say a prayer and read the story.
I also got to thinking about this because wherever I settle eventually I will need a diverse group of cohorts at the ready. I like being able to participate in different religious and cultural events as it makes a part of my soul feel more alive.
Here's a link to a YouTube video explaining some of the symbols of Passover. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awl1KCo_oZ0&feature=related

Member of the Tribe

2010-03-14T18:01:00.003-04:00

So, seeing as I work a grand total of 12 hours a week(Are you mad?)I have a lot of time for thinking.
One of the thoughts that have been jostling for space in my noggin is the whole twentysomething thing. I'm year 3 of my twenties and feel as silly as ever. Interests in many subjects,little to no direction, a diploma and a smile. Not bad, but not exactly helpful.I've noticed that my friends not in random international locales, or those not shuttling back and forth across the ocean ,are working jobs like REAL adults. Their Facebook statuses, tweets, etc. reflect adult things like regular working hours, boredom at times, but also a sense of adulthood and belonging in an adult definition. Now maybe this is just me projecting on them, but I think it's definitely easier to feel like a real adult when you have a 9 to 5 schedule that's serious than a 12 hour work week that's subject to less hours.
I'm not complaining. I'm enjoying the experience, but I wonder if I'm being left behind in the development game. Like the members of my tribe are doing what they're supposed to, and I'm one of the random members who's like "Nah, I'm tired of roaming what if I stick this seed in the mud?"...or something like that.
Originally I was going to write about all my age comrades getting pets, specifically dogs. Is this what we do? Get dogs? If I was in a stable relationship with a territory (city, state, heck, continent) I might like a puppy companion- a friend and guide through this maze called young adulthood. But it wouldn't be fair to either of us, with me being unsure of where I will call home.
With changing societal norms is getting a dog the new sign of adulthood?
Am I overthinking this? Probably.
haha, I should go to sleep.
After this glass of vin.

Un Petit Update

2010-03-10T10:37:00.004-05:00

So, I never did blog about Italy and how amazing it was and how I fell in love with the sights, smells and sounds of it. But I did.
In this never ending winter *cue Kanye* I'm brought back to the colours of the buildings in Verona, of Bologna's reddish tint, of Firenze's beauty despite the tempest and even of Milano's gloomy charm.
I think I'm unhappy because I don't know what's next and that bothers me. I'm a Type B chick for the most part of my life, but let me feel helpless or unsure and I turn Type A in a New York minute,wanting to make lists and plans and stress.
I started thinking about things that would make me happy. I started with applying for jobs. This makes me an actor in my life and not an audience member, and I have to have that. If I'm honest, and I have no reason not to be, I'm afraid that I am inadequate. That my degree,while enjoyable and edifying, will be of little practical use. The only way for me to combat this fear is to apply for anything and everything that might be in line with what I know how to do-write and think. Haha. I'm also fearful of disappointing my parents. Here they sent me to University, have supported me in this crazy love affair with France and now what? I'm 23 years old and about to move back home for the summer. There's so shame in that,but I need and want more. I know whatever I end up doing my parents will say their proud of me, but I want to do something awesome so that I know they'll be proud.At the same time, I haven't a clue where I want to be. Location is my biggest problem.I envy these guys I know who are working on a farm in the middle of Sicily. I envy my friend ,Chris,who is preparing to go back to China because he's afraid of being stuck in London forever.
If I was as brave and ballsy as these guys, you know what I would do?
I would move to Israel for awhile and see what I can get in to. Be that working on a kibbutz, teaching or whatever.
I'm afraid though that if I keep being light and untethered that I will lose out on the beautiful possibilities that can come from stability, dedication and commitment. I vacillate between feeling too young to seriously worry about all this, to realising that I'm getting older and eventually my parents calling me Carmen SanDiego may not be a compliment.

ID Control

2010-03-02T07:01:00.006-05:00

So it finally happened.
My police incident. I always joked about it happening,but when it finally did it was the opposite of funny. I've seen minorities in France get stopped before on the street and asked for papers. Mostly Roma(gypsies)Arabs and Black people. I've always wondered if they did something wrong or what,but never thought much about it. With people's preconceived notions of my nationality(insert random nation:Eritrea, Somalia,whatever)I knew it was a possibility,but didn't think it would annoy me so much.
I had time to kill between my train leaving La Roch sur Yon and Bordeaux and hour and some change so I decided to get a bite to eat. I did and then moseyed along to the train station with time to spare to get a cappuccino from the machine.
As I was about to turn the corner to get to the station I see a police car. Nothing unusual there, but then I got the sense that it was going to stop. Instantly I thought, there's no reason for them to stop and talk to me.
But stop to talk to me they did.
They walked toward me and said "Hello,miss can we see your papers?" (en Francais of course)They said more stuff in French that I forgot as I was shocked the situation was happening. Never in my 23 years in the States have I had an encounter with the police other than them visiting my school when I was little. In France,up until this time ,I've been content to notice the cute ones. I knew they wanted to see papers to verify that I had a right to be in France,but it was incredibly demeaning. One of them asked to go through my little green bag and the other proceeded to ask me what I was doing in La Roch sur Yon(as if anyone would purposefully, of their own volition just post up there) Fortunately, I had my passport and tried to explain (suppressing tears) that I was just going to catch my train and that I had a pause and decided to eat something. He then asked me why I was going to Bordeaux (as if it was any of his bloody business) and I said I was going to see friends. They then asked me why I was in France etc.etc. where I lived all of the questions that made it seem as if I had done something wrong. It was humiliating to have to explain myself to them in the middle of a sidewalk, while people passed and probably though "There goes another..." Initially they didn't understand what I meant by "pause"even though I've heard French people use it, I showed them my ticket pointing to the length of time in between and they finally understood. Finally one of them, asked what my nationality was and I started to whimper, "Je suis Americaine, ca c'est ma passporte/I'm American, that's my passport" That the other officer was holding.After the passport holding officer was off his walkie-talkie speaking to their headquarters he handed it back to me.
"Are you okay?" he said painstakingly in English.
"Did I do something wrong?," I asked through tears and heavy breathing.
"Non," they replied quickly.
I instantly think, "Then why the [hell] would you stop me?"
I asked if I could leave and they said yes, but not before telling me that it was okay and "c'est pas grave"/it's not serious, don't cry...
But it was serious and I did cry.
It seriously annoyed me and embarrassed me.(Not that I have a right to not be annoyed)It was insulting to have to justify why I was in France let alone their city. I know it's a prejudice on my part, but I'm not from a developing country come to France to steal jobs or whatever. I just happened to have melanin and be walking.
I called my dad sobbing, perhaps unnecessarily, and explained the situation to him. He was hurt because it's something he wished his children wouldn't have to go through.(When he was younger, in Texas, in the 70s he was stopped on a 10 speed bike and accused of theft)It's not better,but it's expected in The States,especially the South. It's a sad part of the narrative of our country,but one that is being changed.
France, au contraire, is the land of liberte, egalite, and fraternite.
But I wonder how many blanc Francais are bothered by id controls? I sent a text to one of my friends and was annoyed at her response that it wasn't serious. That it happens all the time and had happened to her before. I'm sure it happens to white French people, but I'm certain it happens more to ethnic minorities. I really can't adequately convey my frustration, annoyance or hurt over this situation.
I can better understand the problem France is having with it's young immigrant and minority populations. If you build a state where certain segments of the population are more likely to have negative experiences with the law, don't be surprised when you combine that with low employment and covert discrimination to find cars burned and frustration abounding.
They say a Republican is a Democrat who has just been robbed, perhaps an anarchist is an innocent person who was stopped on the street, but not in my case. I still think the police play a valuable part (obviously) in maintaining law and order. I would just posit,that stopping people with out probable cause could be something they give up for Lent. Or forever.
Link to an article about this topic:
http://www.soros.org/initiatives/justice/focus/equality_citizenship/articles_publications/publications/search_20090630

I'm going back home...

2010-02-24T09:27:00.003-05:00

I'm going back to Bordeaux tomorrow.
It's not that big of a deal in reality, but in my mind it is important. You see, the last opportunity I had to go down there I declined because I felt that it might hurt after breaking up with Julien. I don't regret the decision,because I truly did not want to go. As I thought about the times I went to Bordeaux over the past several months when I could have gone elsewhere (actually just during Touissant) I'm not ashamed or regretful, but I am endeavouring to make up for it. So I feel kind of silly going back to a place I've been several times, however, I'm on vacation and can do whatever the eph I want (including catch up on an entire season of Glee-judge if you will) or nothing. I am free.

It will be (probably)insignificant in a couple of days, months, years, whatever, but for me,right now,it's important.
I fell in love with the city before him and and I can still love it. I have to learn to separate feelings for experiences (songs, places, names even) from feelings from people.
Bordeaux is like my home. I have other friends there besides him.
And in the words of Bon Jovi "who says you can't go home?"

P.S. I went to Italy and had a phenomenal time, will blog about that later. Have Glee to finish.

Repose en Paix Damian

2010-01-31T10:45:00.004-05:00

I logged onto Facebook. The usual.
I saw that my friend Damian's birthday was today and smiled.
Damian is a character. He's tall, beautiful light eyes, brown hair with a smile that makes you comfortable immediately and jokes that will make you uncomfortable instantly. I clicked on his name and started to write something on his wall. I wrote something to the effect of Happy Birthday lover. Damian was a bit of a maverick Mormon. I met him at a conference where he came with a majority Mormon constituency, but he was different and I liked him. We joked about getting married a lot.
He was honest and warm and he shared a little of his past, but in a joking way. I saw sadness,but also thought I saw a guy getting through the hardness that is life and making something beautiful anyway. One of the first things I remember about him was finding out that his mother had recently passed away, in 2007.
So,
I posted on his wall, but then my eyes saw the post below mine.

Damian is dead.
He died on January 16,2010.
I just found out.
I erased my post and stared at my screen for a few minutes.
I felt sorry. Sorry that I didn't know sooner. Sorry that I hadn't said hey to him in awhile. Sorry that he was gone and that his story had ended. It could be reread,but not continued. Our friendship story had ended to. A narrative to be reread, but not revised.I feel inexplicably guilty. For being away from the country. I could have called him or something. We weren't best friends forever, but we kept in touch since our meeting in Summer of 2008.
It strikes me. He was so young and living in NY. But he had a lot pain and sadness too. I don't know all that he was going through.
And it's not necessary now. But I miss him. I miss the thought that I didn't know him as well as I wanted to. I hate that there were people who judged him and I hate that he's gone. He would have been 25.

Death is hard. But I guess sometimes living is harder for some people. I pray that he is at peace now.

www.damianmacneill.com

Birthday continued

2010-01-28T07:24:00.004-05:00

So, I had a pleasant (pseudo surprise) at the lycee.
I saw, by accident, a message to the professors asking them to sign a card for me. But as clearly he didn't think that I would be on the e-mail list, I ignored it and knew I would act as gracious and surprised as ever with the card I was to receive.
However, when I went to my class, Professor A says my name wrong and says to come see him. Instead of just a card is a card with signatures and petits messages from teachers and students as well as a box of fine chocolats and like 5 books en Francais.
I LOVE BOOKS!
I LOVE CHOCOLATE!
I LOVE CARDS!
and most importantly, I, like most, love kindness. It was just awfully sweet of them and was unexpected...except for the card ;)
So now I have more books to read(after I get through Le Soleil se Leve Aussi-Hemingway not as awesome in French.)
I really do feel blessed that people cared enough to wish me Happy Birthday.
I wanna pull a Sally Fields "You love me, you really love me"
Haha.

*I need a nap after waking up two hours too early at 7h30 and watching the SOTU, the Republican rebuttal and commentary from the Newshour(with Jim Lehrer)*

23...or "we've only just begun to live..."

2010-01-27T15:48:00.003-05:00

SO I turned 23 today.
And I feel pretty regular.
My birthday, as anyone who knows me well knows, is tied for my favourite holiday with Christmas. I've spent a birthday away from close friends before in Bordeaux with girls who ended up becoming like sisters and this year I spent it in Les Sables d'Olonne. I wanted to watch La Princesse et La Grenouille with other assistants in Nantes. But guess what movie didn't premiere in France's 6th largest city today?
Nantes, you say?
Haha, yes.
Oh well. So my responsable woke me up at 10h30 and I had to be honest when she asked if she woke me up. (I'm trying to be more genuine in my life and that includes not telling lies even though their polite) She then proceded to apologise and I explained that it was a good thing b/c I needed to be up. I did. She then told me that at 13h she was going to come take me out to lunch for my birthday. So I met her at 13h and we went to a lovely restaurant by the beach with her husband. She gave me some jewelry which was really sweet of her on top of the delicious lunch. Another teacher from the college gave me a pretty candle holder decoration thing and a lovely card.
My flatmate bought me a strawberry tarte and I got to say by to my friend Max before he leaves for Brasil. I felt pretty thankful for all the well wishes on Facebook from friends around the world. All in all, a very pleasant beginning to my 23rd birthday on this beautiful earth. Low key,but pleasant. I'm hoping this weekend's celebration will be wild, outlandish and bordering on insane though :) (Hopefully I'll get to see the mec that I met from last weekend, oh la la)

23 as a number scares me. As Nathalie , ma responsable, pointed out it definitely feels closer to 25 than 2o. I feel like I should have a a plan for my future or at least part of it,but I don't.

Tu vs. Vous

2010-01-19T15:30:00.004-05:00

So, I dipped by the lycee to give them the dates for the English Club and once again heard a heated discussion about some insolent punk(haha Burger King commercial anyone?) using the "tu" form and not"vous". Tu is supposed to be with people who are your peers, cohorts, contemporaries etc. Vous is reserved for those at a higher level either economically or authoritatively (bosses, principals, elderly people, etc.) It rubs me the wrong way.
Heres my problem.
I'm all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T and giving it and meriting it. I couldn't care l Theess whether they address me as "tu", "vous" or "K Bizzle" (that would make me really happy) as long as they were respectful which they are to me, perhaps a little too respectful. I know in English we have the words Mr./Mrs./Ma'am/Sir etc. but it's not the same in my mind. Some might disagree I'm sure.
Tu and Vous both mean "you". It's the republican(small "r" not the political party, the belief system) in me that says we're all humans in a democracy, no one is better or worse than me, I don't have to doff my top hat *I don't wear a top hat* to anyone and the reverse is true as well. Some of the teachers can be rude and a tad condescending to the students,but then want to nuck if one of them bucks for being rude in return... Being from the South and such I've called older people Mr. and Mrs. into my twenties out of respect and decorum, but it's because they're old and in general I respect them. The same level of respect is thus presupposed. The same in most civic relations:schools in this case.In French you're supposed to use "vous" with people you don't know, respect etc. Instead of a more egalitarian "tu" which shows we're all in this together (cue High School Musical)
I don't know why it bothers me. But it's another really telling linguistic and cultural difference...the words a culture uses belies mentality for better or worse. And I think this new decade will continue to show the ways in some French practises are no longer relevant...on verra

I want the old me back

2010-01-16T16:30:00.003-05:00

*Disclaimer* I hate complaining. I find it to be feckless and a drain on energy, but sometimes it's necessary at least to clear the negativity so I can keep running on sunshine and bubbles which is what most people think I run on instead of oxygen, confusion and hope...if that makes sense.

I'm in a rut and not sure how to get out of it. I know the normal tools I use, but for some reason have failed to implement them...

I'm a wee bit tired of my little town. I wanted to go to Nantes to socialise but vacillated too long deciding. Thus losing my opportunity to see a good friend and also someone I may or not be interested in that I had a dream about.
It's a Saturday night and I've youtubed like I was being paid. I'm not. I also ate McDonald's for the first time since October and (hopefully) the last time for a long time.
I was productive today because of the constant rain that dared me to come outside. It won. So I revised my CV (resume) and letter of motivation for two positions in French and English. So riddle me why I didn't send out the English one? I have a mental block. It's like I've suffered a loss of confidence, whether it be from the most recent failed relationship or what.
Not just in the professional future aspect, but in another way too. The kind of attractive (there's something about him) guy who works at the lycee. He was finally there on Friday and instead of strolling up to him like I envisioned, I walked cautiously and asked him in horrid French if he wanted to join my English Club for professors... I felt like a little kid. A feeling I detest.

I'm also not in love with 2010 so far. A year that began with so much optimism on the part of so many has turn into a living hell for so many. My heart aches for those in Haiti who are suffering Italian migrants,Iranians, Israelis, Palestinians...all of humanity.

This week I need to get it together and reinvigorate the Kayle who talks to strangers at will, decides what she wants and goes after it, who believes in herself and acts on that belief...

I'm ready for February vacation. It will be beneficial to go down South (Spain, Italy maybe the Cote d'Azur again...)I need to get my groove back.

Bonne Nouvel Annee!

2010-01-03T11:45:00.002-05:00

So...it's been awhile.
I accomplished my goal of having the most fun in Paris. I spent most of the time palling around with Mark and his friends, The Dirty Rascals. (www.dirtyrascals.org) We didn't really have a plan, and that ended up for the better. I had so much fun just relaxing and walking about it was lovely. The first time I was in Paris I did many of the "must-see"sites. This time around, my "must-see" was a "must-eat" L'as du falafel.More on that later.
So the above pictures is of me, Jane (a new friend)Alison and Fedora.
We met Mark and them by the Seine under a bridge to shoot the breeze and wave at mere tourists on river boat cruises.

The excitement of spending New Year's in Paris was amplified ,for me, by the fact that it was the beginning of a new decade and hopefully a chance for the world to be renewed again.
Also the beginning of my birthday month. (I love my birthday)
On 31 December, we headed over to their flat to do some pre-partying and warming up for our epic walk to the Champs-Elysees(well purportedly it all went down) After shennanigans ,we decided to start the walk. Commenced the singing (one of the few times in my French life that I give in and act a fool in the streets) of Beachboys songs and walked toward our goal-L'Arc de Triomphe. Sooner or later we grew tired of that and found a functioning metro line.(In fact, all the Metro lines were free from about 7pm on) I made the acuaitance of a group of Indian men after yelling responding to their yells and one of them kissed me on my face=not cool.
Fastforward past the epic struggle to use restrooms in our time of need (pretty sure that violates some EU convention) and we are on the Champs Elysees. Where it all goes down. However, Andrew, who was our leader of sorts on this expedition was itching to go to the Eiffel Tower....we deliberated,but then I realised if we did that too long we'd miss the show. Whatever show there was to be. I asked a police officer (scaringly dashing in their black Power Rangereske uniforms) what he recommended and he said the Eiffel Tower because they'd have fireworks there...
So we start walking with a fury toward the Tower, I ask another policeman if we're going the right way (because while wine is good for warming up cold sojourners, it's not so good for navigation) and I'm pretty sure he lied to me. Like straight up falsified. I asked another, older police officer to be sure and he dismissed the other guy as a young fool basically.We then chatted about youth these days and their poor direction giving.
Finally we were on track. We followed Andrew as he followed the searchlight emanting from the sky. It was no alien ship, but 15 minutes later we'd discover le Tour Eiffel...with 15 minutes to spare, and we even got relatively close. As the countdown begun we rejoiced in our good fortune to have found it, what with there being soooo many Eiffel Towers we said adieu to 2009 and waited for the fireworks and pizzazz to begin...at the stroke of midnight the Eiffel Tower illuminated the night sky with the light of a million small diamonds,then a multi-coloured scheme that would have put Joseph to shame and then more colours and more.
But no fireworks. Haha, so make that two officers who lied.
All in all though, it was a magnificent night. Celebrating it in the midst of an old friend and many new ones. Celebrating surviving another year, and offering prayers and hopes(in our own ways) for a sweeter new one.
Bonne Nouvelle Annee

Pangea

2009-12-14T14:37:00.003-05:00

I have a shirt at home, Stateside , that says "Pangea: breaking up is hard to do"
It's one of my favourites.
Speaking of Pangea, Julien and I broke up Sunday and I couldn't be more relieved.
I won't recount all the nuisances and stress he put me through in the last weeks, but suffice it to say, I'm not sad.
I have ,however,decided that I'm through with Frenchmen.
Poor decision possibly since I'm here until at least April( maybe May, September at the latest...)

Wait, say What? Monday

2009-12-07T12:27:00.006-05:00

Oh what a day!
Basically everyone was crazy acting at the lycee.
To begin.
There's one teacher, who is usually really cool to me. Always speaks to me whether in English or French. He's always eager to speak English which makes me happy,and helps me with my French. He has great curly black hair, is always smiling and makes for a fun lunch room when the other French teachers ignore me or speak too fast.
So today,after lunch, he gets the brilliant idea to play ping pong on a table.Without a net. So we commence to play and have the most fun and some of the teachers were jealous.
Fast forward 2 hours to another break in the day when he decides to teach me Pétanque.
With tennis and ping pong balls.
It was a lot of fun. I wasn't too shabby. Then in the mdist of our fun walks a youngish teacher who looks full of mischief. Fun Friend says "she is the cause of many problems for me" in English. I took it as a joke, and it was.Every time he began his roll, she kicked or threw his tennis balls. A chase ensued ending with another teacher picking up this waif of a woman and my friend tickling her.
After that I walked over to the announcement board and noticed a sign for a holiday gathering. One of the teachers explained that I was more than invited and I said I'd see. (gotta keep 'em guessing). Before hand, one of the professors will open her flat up for drinks before the meal (aperetifs).
"My flat is small though,but everyone is more than welcome"
The English teacher I work with warns me "These teachers are crazy,especially when they're drunk"
My Fun Friend (MFF)says "Her flat might be small,but she has a big bed."
Me: *Blank expression* then I burst out laughing.
MFF continues:"Yes,there's room enough for all the professors, you should have seen it..."
Me: Oh yea?
Then I laugh myself away from the situation.

Fastforward to class:
Background: In the words of Chalie Boy probably not the finest, probably not the finest, but then again I might be depending on your bias" The pupils at my lycee have decided that I am the object of their adolescent desire. Not because I'm hot,awesome, intelligent, etc.but simply I think because I'm a young, new female.

Back to class.
I had one of my favourite classes and they didn't disappoint me. We started off talking about Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day and I shared about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa in addition to Christmas. Great, awesome.
All the while, they're chatting, making silly comments in English and French. I probably let a few "Oh my goshes" or "Oh my G**s" slip.They were being outrageous, but in English.
One of my students, Pierre Henri(who is a true player for real) asked me about liking bananas (a not so subtle inneundo for male anatomy) but I didn't understand why...He then rambles in Franglais about "god" and I tell him the translation (Dieu=God) and then all of the precious lambs laugh at my expense and begin to explain that in French slang "gode" is the same as "un banane" which is the same as a ...yea
so everytime I would say "Oh G**" they got a kick out of it.
Pierre Henri then says in English (so I couldn't be mad) "Oh madame, it's getting hot in here...shall we open a window?
I tried not to laugh.And failed.I might have blushed.
Then we played "Never have I ever"-good for getting them to talk. Pierre Henri and his besties decided the slips of paper I gave them must have been for their numbers.So they gave me their numbers for my use, I suppose.
It was quite the day. But I'm glad of it. In the words of Ice Cube "Today was a good day..."

This is the way I live...

2009-12-06T15:04:00.002-05:00

So, I thought I should update.
The weather was damn near perfect today for December. It was sunny and 13 degrees and I seized the opportunity to go walking. Each time I walk to the beach regardless of clouds, or what, I feel overwhelmed with thanks that I get to live by the ocean.
There's something cleansing, healthy and even cathartic about smelling ,seeing and being at the ocean. I think it's because it makes the distance seem shorter between me and my loved ones Stateside.
I was overcome with thanks and happiness seeing everyone and their mum walking along the Remblai enjoying the sun that graced us for far longer than it has in the past month or so.

I love being a Sablaise!

Dimanche Update

2009-12-06T04:54:00.003-05:00

So, it's another grey day in Les Sables d'Olonne.
I'm not sad though. I've decided to accept it,even if I can't embrace it yet. (What good does it do me to be pissed off because of the rain when it rains tout les freakin' temps here?) I've also decided to stop letting myself associate the rain with sadness.
Stateside I love rainstorms. Especially the loud, powerful ones that grace Oklahoma, Nebraska and Texas. The rain here is timid,but consistent. I can learn to love it.
I'm currently in bed,nice and warm listening to country music.
There's something about listening to George Strait, Tim McGraw, Martina Mcbride, Reba and of course Johnny Cash that makes me feel reassured about my place in the world,even if I don't know it yet. I'm thankful that I grew up with a diverse music background when I was little. Some of my friends thought it odd that I know the lyrics to most Strait songs, or turn to Tim McGraw when I need to be reminded of home,but it is what it is.

I've been listening to French music too though, and especially dig M.

Last night my responsable, Nathalie,and I went out for dinner. It was really nice. We spoke in French the entire time and I had an ephiphany-I don't speak French all that terribly. I tell people don't speak it so that they aren't disappointed,but en fait I can carry on a 3 hour conversation about my anxiety about my future, my odd relationship, my homesickness, my political views etc... I should give myself more credit in the French speaking area...although there's still tons of room for improvement.

This week will consist of holiday lessons at the lycee. I've decided to drop some knowledge on these kids by talking about Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. (Holidays that I celebrate in some manner each year) I'm excited.

Oh and last. On my Samedi agenda was planning my future, ambitious, but did I do...Yea Buddy! Cuz I'm rolling like a big shot :)

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

2009-12-02T05:15:00.002-05:00

So I've hit the doldrums part of my stay here...A lot of assistants seem to be hitting it too...which is not great, I'd prefer for them to be happy,but misery does love company, or at least enjoys knowing she's not alone.
Haha
That's the main problem.Being away from my family and friends during the holiday season is hard. I knew it would be hard (and could be harder),but I don't enjoy feeling this melancholy.
On the flipside, regardless of my relationship status, I don't have to be alone for Christmas. I'm really fortunate to have great friends all over Europe who want me to spend it with their families...So I don't have to be physically alone, but emotionally alone is still a possibility...
Oh well, as the old ones say, "This too will pass"...and when it does, I know I'll wish for it again.

Thanksgiving:Global Remix Edition

2009-11-30T15:03:00.006-05:00

So this weekend...was mixed.
Thanksgiving:Global Remix went well.My friend Kevin decided to do it up right and invite other lost assistants to L'Auberge Nantaise (his flat) and have a traditional(ish) Thanksgiving. I offered to co-host (partly because I'm me mum's daughter and love organising shindigs, also because I'm still the bossy 5 year old Kayle who wants things to go her way)
The weeks and days leading up to this feast were intense as it was unsure whether a turkey could be found, but Kevin's girlfriend found one...Best Girlfriend of the Year.
Anyway, it went really well.
Beforehand, I tried to get people to say what they were going to be, at least a category, but to little avail...Kev was a little stressed out,but it all turned out wonderfully.
Besides Americans, we had Brits, French, Spanish, Italians, Longhorns, Sooners, & Germans. It was like the UN,except probably more productive.
Kevin,killed his first tukey!(killed as in did a really good job on it, not the hunter type way) My friend Steven made a pumpkin pie from scratch and it brought tears to my eyes...yes I've been emotional lately,but this pie really was SOOOOOO delicious. I believe my exact quote was it tasted "like home in my mouth"-it did!
Bethany made a stuffing, and I don't even like stuffing,but it was lovely. Everyone brought something so delicious and food overflowed.
I made a tartiflette (a traditional Northern French potato, (smelly) cheese and bacon casserole) and it turned out a lot better than it should have...Everyone seemed to love it. Even the girl from the region where it's from said "it wasn't bad for a first attempt, it was pretty good". Coming from a French girl I took that as a whole compliment. There were probably about 40 people in the spacious,but, still French sized flat. No one cared. Alcohol, food and fun flowed and so did the love Sounds cheesey,but it's true. I was in my element and full of thanks...pumpkin pie, and sangria.
I think Kevin enjoyed his Thanksgiving/Birthday...I know I did.
I'm glad I had a family of sorts to celebrate Thanksgiving with. It's true as Proverbs says, better a friend near by, than a brother far away.
I have to remember each day how blessed I am to have friends literally everywhere on this great marble...and many more to meet.

I put on for my country

2009-11-21T04:03:00.002-05:00

So, we Sablaise assistants have been trying to go out more often.
Often times we'll go to the flat of two of them and eat,drink and be merry.
Last night we gathered to have a real Spanish tortilla, chorizo,sangria et al.
It was delicious.
Two of Noli's students came, a nice,if odd couple. Like one of those instances of "How did she pull him" or "I guess she has a nice personality"
Admittedly shallow.
Anyway the kids were nice (if you're 20 and under in my book,you're a child. Like it or not,je m'en fiche. This means I'm not going to look at you in any type of romantic interest,and probably not at all) Anyway, the guy,Ben,was really cool (wearing the necessary horizontal striped shirt) the girl, was wearing black(per usual),but her uniform varied in the form of a smile. However,once we did the introduction thing she assumed I was English. Not a horrid thing,but simply not true.
I corrected her we moved on.
Sangria flowed.
Ben and I started talking about his desire to go to the States. And I instantly turned PR and talked about how great all 50 are. I acknowledged there were exceptions,but generally most international students who visit the States have pretty poisitive associations with Americans after that. Ben shared that Estelle didn't want to go she had a thing against Americans.
I asked her what she meant and she proceded to say all the usual stereotypes,but seemed to fixate on guns. I then explained (briefly) a history of the States and why the right to bare arms is seen as important and a gauranty of liberty then paralled it with the French revolution: each nation has things that are unappealing (some more than others).
Then I asked her if I was the first American she had met.
"Oui, mais non, Victoria!" "Yes, but no, Victoria"
Ben, replied, "No she was Canadian."
We all had a laugh at Canada's expense.
"And besides,you've met me,I'm American.I'm not stupid. I'm not fat and in fact I'm pretty awesome."
I don't know if she got that,but moral of the story: I put on for my country.

Today was a good day...

2009-11-09T12:40:00.004-05:00

said in an Ice-Cube voice.
Minus the faux-hardness.
Gosh,today was lovely.
It started with my morning ritual which includes, for inquiring minds, reading from the book of Proverbs, a prayer and a stretch(dance) to Morning in Rio by Sergio Mendes. Then a cup of tea and breakfast.
All of the above helps me get my life right before greeting people. Not to say that it always insures a good day,but it usually does. (also gchatted it up with a best friend)
So, returned to the college(Middle School) after the break and I had a new class. I was a few seconds late because in my cubby (pigeon hole) were the class pictures we took the very first day. Haha, it was great.
Chantal, one of the sweet English teachers, was just in the middle of talking about her surprise when in walks ME. All the kids were so excited. It's a lovely feeling to think that you're a pleasant surprise for someone. Anyway, they asked me rudimentary questions and I gave them a brief overview of the land that I love. (No, not Israel this time, America)
After that class I was done.
Earlier that morning, I received an e-mail from Nathalie, my responsable or contact person asking me to present a lesson on Guy Fawkes and Thanksgiving...so I did that for an hour and then prepared to catch the bus...at 10h40.
The only problem is, it came at 10h38. I was a little annoyed,but not really,because it was my fault, so I was just going to go back in the school, at that moment....HERE COMES THE BUS. Haha, I was so thankful. Had I been waiting out there for the late bus, I would have been mad,but today his tardiness was my blessing. I flagged him down and he stopped.
Score and a half!
Then I went home, walked in the beautiful weather (maybe 60 degrees, slightly chilly,but beautiful) came home and chilled to the next episode...lycee at 13h30.
I wanted to show a PowerPoint of my life in the States,but the file was too big,so I had to adlib for 50 minutes and ended up trying to coax the dear ones to speak to me...to little avail.
Then I had two hours and determined that the next class WOULD speak to me. I saved my powerpoint to a jump drive and was so krunk to show them a little bit more about me.
First we began with discussing their vacations. I was thankful they spoke,so I tried to overlook when they discussed having sex with their girlfriends...a fact I couldn't care less about.But my PowerPoint...
If I said they were interested,that would be an understatement. They loved the pictures of my family.(Just a normal African-American family replete with goofy brother, adorable beyond sense baby sister, and two other great sisters and two AMAZING parents) then I showed them pictures of my extended family:my friends. And they flipped their lids. The responses "Ah Putain! "(Which is actually like dropping the eph bomb,but since the French do it so often it's more like damn!) This got them discussing the beautiful girls in the U.S.A. and led to suggestions that my friends visit...Success!
I was also pretty proud because they got interested in my pictures of the States,especially of D.C.and I got to talk about the city I love and the constitution.(I love reading the constitution. I carry a copy on my person at all times and believe in it.In fact, while visiting Bordeaux I was reading the Declaration of Independence and just burst out smiling...I couldn't help it. )
A great class session despite the fact that I know that these students were buzzed at least a little.
How do I know?Because when I left for my two-hour break I asked them where they were going and they answered to drink.When I returned, like an hour and 45 minutes later they were in the park by the school sippin' on some stuff...
One reason I believe that French students get too many breaks during the day...
So,as I sip my soup,listen to John Mayer and reflect on my day...today was a good day.

Eye know you want me...

2009-11-06T10:44:00.000-05:00

So...
there is a situation at work.
Background:
1)I like guys with lovely, longish hair.(My friends call it Jesus hair, I just call it lovely.)
When I got to the lycee (high school) where I teach, the first day I noticed a guy who works there with lovely, wavy brown hair and tanned skin. Natural tan, none of this I'm a guy who tans mess.
Anyway, problem is, that most of his countrymen, he looks me in the eyes.
What's the problem? One might ask.
The problem is that I make eye contact when I speak to people or see them and the result is the awkward, tension filled eye lovemaking session that usually annoys me,but in this case makes me feel some kind of way.(Usually when French people look at me all in the face, I get annoyed, or when it's men, I feel violated.)
The problem is that a) I have a boyfriend (not much of a boyfriend,but he's the only one I got dah dah dah dah)b)-x) See a) z)he's old. Not 40, but maybe 27-35 range, which is too old...
It's still kind of fun to catch someone's eye and hold it for a few minutes, I just hope the situation stays where it is and doesn't heat up.

Overview

2009-11-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going to try to be faithful to this blogging thing since I now have steady(expensive) access to the internet chez moi(at my place).
Recap: I've been here, in France, since Sept.16th, I've been in Les Sables since October 28th. In a lot of ways it seems like I've been here forever and I only have a few months let,other times it's like I've been here only a few days...So it goes.
We had a vacation for La Toussant and as French as it sounds, I feel like it wasn't long enough. Returning to work was hard,but more on that later...
For the break I went down to Bordeaux, my second home, and visited my boyfriend (NOTE: I didn't know said individual was for sure my boyfriend until he asked me if I had kissed the French I was dating, meaning him) I spent a glorious week doing nothing:reading, meeting friends, drinking coffee or wine or beer as the occasion called for it, it was lovely. Ended way too soon,but I'll be back down there for Christmas break.Then I went to Nantes (my third home? or maybe second since I go there more often) to visit Celine, ma OU Cousine. We have too much fun whenever we're together...which is about every 2 weeks(literally)without fail.
The thing is Les Sables is lovely, it's a good town for walking and such,but it's petite.There aren't many young adults from what the other 4 assistants and I have seen and yea...but it's all good. When(and if) I start studying for the GRE (or LSAT) it will be beneficial...
Anyway, so last weekend was crazy. I dressed up as an OU football player (complete with black stuff under the eye) and my #28 jersey.I did a)drink an obnoxious amount and mixture of things b)take a (really pretty Blue Sapphire)glass from a rock bar that we went to c)take some English guys chips (fries) that he offered d) a lot of other crazy,mostly legal things.
The problem is, I feel like I'm on the edge of being too old for these things...

Nah :)

Finally here...

2009-09-30T06:29:00.000-04:00

So...I am finally here in Les Sables d'Olonne/Olonne-sur-Mer/Chateau d'Olonne...
En fait, I'm working in 2 towns and living in the 3rd. I think they all need to incorporate and have one name, but who I am to tell the French to be logical? Haha.
It was really hard the first day.
For a lot of reasons. One: I went from non stop contact with my lover for like a week and a half so I knew that saying good-bye would be hard.
But it wasn't as bad as I thought.
What was bad, was when I walked him out to his car ,said good bye without tears and then returned to my empty apartment and bawled like a baby. It was a healthy cry though. I needed it to cleanse all the crazy overwhelmed feelings that I had.
That night I cried a little more,but took solace in the fact that weeping may endure for a night,but joy comes in the morning.Everything looks better in the morning.Including the beautful little towns I happen to reside in now.
I went down to the beach and instantly began feeling the difference between the good Bordelais (people of Bordeaux) and the Sablaise. People who live by the beach or maybe any body of water generally seem to be happy. And I don't see why they shouldn't.
I live like 15 minutes from the beach and get to be kissed by the sun and sweet talked to by the waves. It's a pretty nice place to post up in post-undergrad. Another difference?
People here take their lunch hour SO seriously.
I went to an internet cafe and failed to notice they closed at 12h...and didn't open again until 15h00...that's a good 3 hours. Most shops however seem to be industrious and reopen at 14h or 14h30...
The ladies at my school, well the college, seem to be really sweet.
The lycee is kind of too perfect looking. It's new and wooden and smells like they just stopped painting...It's like a French Steppford Wives-esue type of school...I'm keeping a positive mindset about all of this though.
My apartment is spacious and really rather nice. (Not as homey as the flat in Bordeaux, but as Nick says "You can't repeat the past)
I'm excited to see what this time here will bring and hopefully the clarity because I should probably decide what's next.
But I don't have to right now.
Right now all I have to do is finish this cafe and go exploring Les Sables...
until next time...

Laissez-Faire

2009-09-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

Bleh,
I can feel it starting already, the whole laissez-faire attitude upon me. More like me putting on a sweater I wasn't too fond of the first time and realising it's a great look.
My mom keeps trying to make me excited or concerned about packing and leaving to no avail.
She's worried about my housing situation. I probably should be, mais, c'est pas grave, it's not serious.
I called my contact person who acknowledged receiving my e-mails (2) but not responding back to them because she has to call someone else to see if they do in fact have room for me at the place they say they do... I couldn't help but laugh as she explained the situation. A pre-Spring 2008 Kayle would have been annoyed, and frustrated. This Kayle is cool with it.
I think I'm better, if only a little, prepared to deal with the uncertainty because I know the bag of tricks the French are dealing with and I'm cool with it.
P.S. One thing I am actually concerned about: the exchange rate! It's still a lot better than 1.60+ spring before last, but I'd still not to be an impoverished person for the first 6 weeks.

physically 6 days away from France, but like 9 days away from prepared :/

2009-09-09T20:30:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to freak out un peu (a little).
I have 6 days until departure, but need like 9 days to get ready.
I just got back from Norman and some of the best 6 days of my life with best friends/sisters. It was beautiful, crazy, but now it gets real.
I leave for France in 6 days and it hit me hard this morning.
Anyway, there's a lot I need to do such as:
*buy a ticket from Paris to Bordeaux to see Cerulean
*figure out if my housing at the lycee (high school) is free like it's been rumored to be. (I've tried e-mailing like two times, I'm hoping waking up at 6am to call over there will prove more productive...I'm not going to hold my breath though.)
*figure out a decently cheap way to get to Florence, Italy to see a very good friend ( I hope this works out)
All that on top of cleaning up, packing and dealing emotionally with leaving...
I am so very excited to see Cerulean again, although I don't know what's to become of that, but I'm hopeful and not terribly concerned right now.

Some time in the near future I'll explain the long and winding road that brought me back to France, but for now, time for more planning and plotting.

2009-08-21T18:37:00.002-04:00

So today is my last day at work, and that is a good thing indeed, because people were trying to make me tell them a/b themselves...
I have 25 days until I leave...and just a few days until i get 4 teeth knocked out my head.
One friend said it will diminish my ability to French kiss when I arrive in France "and that's a good thing ", he says. Then he makes a comment a/b me prancing around in bikinis when I arrive in Les Sables and I tried to feign modesty and said "no" He then asked if I had gotten fat. I gave him an emphatic "no" and then had to reflect, is getting fat the worst that could happen?
Nope!
But it's not for me!

Love and Happiness?

2009-07-20T20:10:00.003-04:00

This summer is flying by.
I don't know where it's gone. I'm not complaining I'm just saying.

It's really weird but I've been thinking about marriage and such a lot. I say that I don't want to or am not terribly keen on it often,but in reality, it's a beautiful thing. I can only pray that one day I'll find someone who loves me at the same time that I love them and then we choose to live together forever.
However there are so many scary things about it.
This lady came in today, an older woman, and I said hi to her per usual. She was sending off a vintage golf bag to her grandson. It was her husband's. Her husband who has been deceased for a decade. She said sending the golf bag was still one of the hardest things she's ever had to do,even after 10 years of not having him around.
Her round, kind eyes teared up and I wanted to give her a hug,but didn't.
I didn't know what to say as the only heartbreak I've encountered was trite compared to losing the love of one's life, confirmed through their commitment and her continued love.
She took comfort in her 5 children and 15 grandchildren,but still missed the man that made them all possible.
It struck me how beautiful that type of commitment is, but also how colossally it would suck to live your whole life wondering if you would be loved, finally finding it/accepting it and then losing it.
Even watching How I Met Your Mother has me all pensive. Lily and Marshall?Too precious and wonderful.
I can only hope...

So much to think about.

Arrete Arrived

2009-07-13T22:20:00.004-04:00

J-64
T-64
After months of waiting, I finally received my "Arrete de nomination" this is the document that tells the Consulate in Chi-town that I'm legit and brings me that much closer to going back.
I was so thankful to receive it today.
Last Friday, I had a really big hopeful feeling that I would receive it in the mail. Instead I received the bras that I ordered in the mail.
Something from France, however, did not come.
But today at work I come from the back room to see my mum in a cute yellow top and she looks regular.
She steps up to the counter and is like "I believe I have to mail to this to Nantes", she handed me my arrete and i nearly jumped over and hugged her. Instead I ran from behind the counter.
In retrospect, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with French government at times. Even though many and most administrators are slow I keep hoping they change. They don't.
But then they perform a small gesture, like they're trying to get better, and I rethink leaving them...
It's kind of a shame.

This little document makes it seem real.
I have schools that I'm assigned to and a city where I'm supposed to live. (a Beach city, that being said, not sure if I'll live there or not...on verra)
Now I get to plan on going to Chicago which I'm kind of stoked for and maybe NY, NY to visit that crazy Aussi.

This ish just got real.

A lesson before dying...

2009-06-25T16:18:00.002-04:00

So this older gentleman and his wife came in yesterday.He looked like a picture of health:naturally tan skin, beautiful grey hair, and straight, bright teeth. He looked like several pilots I've seen in my life. His wife was slim and silent,but content looking.
He shipped his package and somewhere in the course of a few minutes slipped in that he was a cancer patient and a former pilot.
I was taken aback and instantly thought of Prof. Randy Paush of Last Lecture fame.
The gentleman then shared a little red book that he had written full of his thoughts on life and what's important.
I had to fight back tears when he shared that he and his wife had been married for 42 years.
Anyway, a constant theme I read in books by people close to death is perspective.
Mr. Tobias, Randy Pausch and others reiterate the importance of figuring out what's significant and living life accordingly. It's such a great reminder, even if sobering, that life is not only so short, but not gauranteed for very long. Why waste time being unhappy when you can be? Why waste time doing stuff you don't want to (within reason) when you can live the live you imagine, instead of imagining it?
Futhermore knowing how precious life is what do I look like caring about stupid stuff?
Raggedy.
I try to do that,but I know I could do a better job. The most important things to me right now are *enjoying my time with my awesome family before I leave for France *keeping in touch with the people I love (not trying to, but doing it)*enjoying my summer as much as I can.*trying to get through my epic book and movie list*continuing my writing
Making beaucoup money is not on there.My parents are kind of annoying me suggesting, with the best of intentions, that I work like a slave in Texas prior to Juneteenth so that I have money when i get to France. But I know that I lived on a lot lot less when I was in Bordeaux and so know that I can live within and even beneath my means.
I really just want to be happy and am naive enough to think that I can do so without a lot of extra things in my life.
Except for my books :)

Kinky Gazpacho...get into this

2009-06-23T10:02:00.003-04:00

So I've been reading like a fiend this summer. It's a relatively cheap pleasure that yields such rich returns. I'm currently on a Kundera kick and pondering the great mysteries of life such as the nature of love and individuality and whether either can be understood. In fact if any human can be understood because we all speak different languages, symbolic languages that is.
I'm pretty excited about re-reading Kinky Gazpacho. This memoir is a beautiful story of a woman who reminds me of myself in someways. (That's not why it's beautiful though) It's about her learning the steps to dancing between two cultures: American and Spanish and somewhere finding her nirvana. There aren't many novels about African-American women travelling the world, yet there are so many who do, and whose stories could fill volumes of tomes. It's interesting to read about the Lori's experiences in Spain and compare them to my own in France. Hopefully, one day I'll add to this literary dialogue, but until then I can re-read and encourage y'all(who ever is reading this) to read it. To sum it up in a sentence? It's like Eat, Pray, Love (also one of my favourites) without as much whining and more flavor.
I lent it to a very dear friend who is actually studying in Spain this summer and I can't wait for her to come home, not only because I miss her, but because I'm going to re-read this book...actually I'll just buy it in paperback :)

Jesus be the end of the day!

2009-06-17T18:47:00.003-04:00

I started this morning at 2h00 because of a really horrid bad dream.I laid in bed fitfully until 7h30ish when I had to go for (30 min.of)training at job #2.
It's not 17h51 and I want nothing more than to go through a time warp and have it be Sept.3 when I'll see my four closest best friends my Oklahomies per se.
...I don't know if I can do this summer with two jobs. I'm already rather exhausted and looking raggedy.
I don't like worrying about money and agree with my friend D Mack that the world would be better if we didn't use it. I know it's my responsibility to take care of myself because I'm an "adult" but it's not so much fun.
Haha.
Ben Folds nailed it when he said"everybody knows it sucks to grow up"...

How the hell?

2009-06-11T15:16:00.002-04:00

How the hell is one out and about after attempting to kidnap members of the Federal Reserve Board?
How the hell does that happen?
It shouldn't have. It's the mixed blessing bag of tricks we have in the First Amendment that allows people to say(write, publish) almost anything. Within reason. I'm not for the limiting of speech. But hate speech followed or preceded by violence ceases to be speech.
What disgusts me even more than this glaring lack of sense on the part of our judicial system is the fact that this man's dedication to hate did not disspate as he got older.
You are old go sit the f*ck down and wait to die and meet your maker.
I've never understood hating another group for something as arbitrary as race, gender, sexual orientation, or even religion (granted you can change that, but a lot goes into it).
It's disgusting.
But even in this tragedy, there is beauty. The security guard murdered was African-American. Perhaps it's too soon to memorialise him as a symbol of diversity, honor and goodness, but I'm going to. I think there's something in the message of his death and it's up to sane, decent people to reiterate throughout their lives by doing the right thing:judging and dealing with humans as individuals instead of as ideas.

2009-06-08T20:43:00.003-04:00

So family vacation was (surprisingly) great. I say "surprisingly" because to be honest, I wasn't sure how an 8+ hour drive with the six other members of my family would be. However, it was beautiful.
I think I appreciated even more because this is one of the last times for the foreseeable future that my family is going to be together, all together. Ken is going to Virginia for school, I'm going to France for who knows how long, and our family is changing...It's crazy.

T-110

2009-05-28T16:38:00.002-04:00

110 days until I leave.I'm really excited/am trying not to be because that's still a long way away.
110 days...I still must get my visa made in Chi-town, save way more money and basically get my life right in general.
I've tried to explain to people that going to France is a way of running away. I didn't want to go to grad.school right away or be employed full-time(not that this economy would have given me much of a choice) and I did want to go back to La France. I haven't given much thought to what comes next, because what comes isn't even here,but I am thinking law school either in the States or Europe. Or a Master's in Europe, then international law here, je sais pas. I have been feeling law school more after earning my A in Int'l Law.Although frustrating, I really enjoyed it and it would be a great way to justify living abroad when I become a real adult.
Fortunately, I have at least a year(maybe more? sais pas) to decided and see what I want.

Random topic change:
I love the internets and technology! I called one of my best friends in Espana (though the connection was kind of smeh) yesterday, got to chat briefly today and also called the Frenchie yesterday too. I got the answering machine because he was probably at work...
I don't know about him.
I'm trying to balance my hope for a continuation of what we had with the realisation it might not be...it might be childish,but I don't particularly care.
I am a fierce optimist though, so it's hard. Like when people say "Travel now because this is the only time in your life you'll be able to..." I struggle with indignation and disgust. Who is to say I can't do what I want? I know it will come at a price,but that will be up to me to decide...
That's all for now...
I had an interview for a second job this morning. If I get that, I will be ballin' as the kids like to say. Except not.
I don't know how I will do it,but I know it will be worth it.

Purgatory, NE

2009-05-27T11:49:00.003-04:00

Whoa, so now I'm an alumna of the University of Okla.
So much happened between last post and this one. Primarily great experiences with my friends.
As of Monday all 5 of us are in different locales. It's exciting on one hand and a little bit like rushing into the future. Madame P. is in Israel, Ms. Mack is in Espana and I'm not jealous,I'm so happy for them, I just wish I was somewhere else as well...and I know in a few months I will be, I just hate waiting.

So what does a college graduate do?
Come back to work for the summer.
Here's the thing about me, I don't enjoy working retail. I used to think I didn't like working at all, but in reality, I enjoy work that either a) I want to do b) I find to be important or beneficial. This work this summer are the means for my end(well, beginning).
I'm content with working like this because I know it's a step along the way to my next destination: France.
I hate just existing and waiting to live my life, but that's what I'm kind of doing right now.
Just stacking my paper so I can have stacks on deck and also reading a lot.

Moments of relative boredom are good methinks. I have no idea what I'll be facing in France and it's probably best that I have a down summer before facing it.

Overjoyed...

2009-04-24T20:54:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer:
I know it's silly. I acknowledge that is, to a certain extent embrace it and carry it with me.

I've been out of sorts lately, just doing a lot of thinking( in our reading discussion group we've talked so often about whether being aware of the complexities or futilities of life makes it impossible to be happy...I think so, but that's a post for another day.)
Anyway, I was in a bit of a bad mood and just hoping against hope that I would receive a letter from him.
I don't know why I said it was against hope,but it didn't seem likely to happen. I mean seriously how often does one will the Universe or implore God to do something and then it happens.
Not often, at least for me. Granted, I try not to make too many reuests...
Anyway, just as I was leaving the Union I changed my status to something slightly emo claiming that "one thing would make this week better, something very simple, just a little letter"
I went to the mailbox and there was nothing.
I resigned myself to the fact that today wouldn't be the day,but then I walked into the house to discover a package-the poetry anthology he had created.
I was overjoyed and almost started crying. I teared up.
It wasn't only a gift from him, but from God and life itself.
It was without a doubt the most beautiful thing to have happened today.
Thank you!

Never a right time to say good-bye?

2009-04-23T22:37:00.003-04:00

When I was a day camp counselor, we were told, rather counter-intuitively I thought, to end a game at the moment that the children were having the most fun.
Despite my initial qualms with this approach, it makes sense-leave them with good memories and wanting more... At times I feel like I'm in the middle of my favourite game, or at least the most familiar and it's about to end. I know it's about to end. I don't want it to, to a certain extent, because besides my brave persona I'm a little afraid, because while I know the schedule, I don't really know the rules of this next game...
Last night I sat on my deck with a friend in every meaning of the word drinking a bottle of wine, looking up at the stars, listening to Amos Lee and enjoying each other's company through conversation and argument. We discussed the desire to leave a situation when one feels good about the outcome, the impact and accomplishments instead of staying or coming back for more and then being faced with the possibility of leaving and wishing one had done more the second time around or so.
I share those thoughts from time to time,had I had more time I would have...done any number of things, but who knows what I would have missed out on? All in all I'm thankful for my past four years. The hard part for me are the melancholy and pensiveness that come to visit me in company with the inevitable good byes.
I'm horrid at good-byes, yet my life thus so far has been full of them. Living in seven different states, one other country makes good-bye a necessity. The fact that I have been happiest in new environments means that many more are to come...I wish that I had learned the steps of this dance better by now.
I cried when the family drove West on I-10 not wanting to face the unknown known as Texas.
I cried when the plane took off from JFK.
When I left Bordeaux I bawled as if my heart was being slowly unseamed from within my chest.
It wasn't in all reality. Only a small part of it was left there, as is normal for me.
When I went through a break up last year,I cried all the tears from through out the ages, I thought. But almost a year removed, looking back, I see that specific good bye as being necessary. What's scary is how a little more removed from the pain, I can understand him more than I ever could when we were together and even feel the faintest of all desires to want to thank him for the experience.
And now, I am once again at a rupture, a fault line, an end of a paragraph.
Like any journey, not everyone or everything will make it to the next leg of the journey.
It will hurt. Each time I accept a good bye for what it is, it will hurt, because that is who I am. The only thing that I know will definitely travel with me is this rosary of sorts.
I will always connect that sadness with sadness to come. I will string the new good byes to come with his and use them as a medium for my prayer, a rosary of tears ,but also of smiles and hope for more hellos.

Sometimes you can't hold on and sometimes there is not only a right time to say good bye,but a rightness in understanding, accepting, against one's, my, lesser inclinations that you can't control the world,the music, but only your steps in it.

Knocks you Down

2009-04-23T02:04:00.001-04:00

I really like this Keri Hilson song:Knock You Down
It's so like real life...

Ces Soirees La...

2009-04-19T18:54:00.002-04:00

Gosh,
less than a month until graduation and I'm having the most fun!
My friend came up Friday night before he deploys to Irak.
I was really frustrated with him for not giving me more notice,but I should have been mindful of how quickly things change in their profession.
Anyway, after watching Revolutionary Road (ridiculous movie) my friends and I went to say hi to him and his crew, 4 really cool guys. I got to talk to one of them, Lee we'll call him, and he's 29 and this will be his 4th tour. Just a really sweet, interesting guy. He looked a lot younger than his age. And so did the other guys. It takes a special type of person to want to serve like these guys are about to. Multiple tours and just so kind. They really made an impact on me. Moreso than that, it makes me remember we're still in a war(two) with Nick going over I was cognizant of it,but now with the addition of these new friends, it's even more real...
I'm really glad that I got to meet them. The only downside is having more people to worry about and pray about while they're over there.
It never ceases to amaze me how people enter into life and either stay or go-the thing is one, well, I can't at least tell which people are going to be which...
Anyway, after several shots of Patron and my specialty drink I went to bed at 2 and woke up like a boss to volunteer for Big Event. I struggled under my blanket against the selfish side and the better nature and the latter won out. The group I went with went to a homeless shelter, more like a halfway house and cleaned out some rooms. We worked hard and efficiently and finished early so we didn't feel like we helped that much,but the director said we did. So I was happy. I was also extremely thankful, because as the song says "It could've been me..."
I felt fulfilled and pleased with myself for going.
Then I came home *tried(not very hard) to work on my Capstone paper and instead was convinced to go to the poolside and kick it with Ryan ,Nick and our new friends.
Yes, please.
Later, dipped by Paz's birthday party and had too much fun at 7.
Woke up this morning, went to church had a DELICIOUS meal, and then went to see the Harlem Renaissance exhibit before it leaves...

As the song says, "today was a good day"

Ready to be gone

2009-04-16T18:17:00.003-04:00

*I've been having dreams about being kidnapped and there disconcerting. The first one I woke up terrified, l'autre was simply odd. I researched to see what they could mean and either:

To dream that you are being kidnapped, denotes feelings of being trapped and restricted. Someone or some situation may be diverting your� concentration and your attention away from your goals.

or
I am experiencing change in your environment. Loss of independence and freedom. Fear to assume responsibilities.

or
Any other possible outstanding issues that my mind feels better equipped to deal with while asleep rather than while awake and fully functioning.

I don't know.
I do feel a suffocating, trapped feeling as I'm not able to do what I want to right now, which is be in France already.
I am about to go through a big change, and will lose some independence and freedom once I move home...and in a way going to France is a way to not assume responsibilities as interpreted by mainstream Middle America...

I just can't wait to go.
And I don't leave until September :/ I've already begun looking up flights...It looks like Aer Lingus or Icelandair with a stopover in Rekyavek!...

The Long and Winding Road...

2009-04-07T09:05:00.001-04:00

So I wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon.
I said to myself, methinks it's time for an epic nap. So nap I did.
I went to sleep at 3h3oish intending to wake up and being productive(,but knowing the possibility of it not happening.)
At 7 I finally wake up, feeling slightly better and go to check my e-mail.
I see a subject line reading:
Acceptance into the French Teaching Assistantship Program 2009-2010
The letter continued:
Congratulations! We are very pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the French Teaching Assistantship Program for the 2009-2010 academic year, sponsored by the French Ministry of Education...
I read it overwhelmed.
Not only was I not expecting that after waking up from a nap,but I wasn't expecting to hear back so soon. They said they would notify us in May. Which is next month.
Furthermore, this almost didn't happen.
I missed the first deadline to apply. I was supposed to get a physical but was unable to at home over the break before I came back for the semester because of insurance issues. I was really sad,but didn't really think of it. I thought I'd be able to go Goddard and get a physical and still meet the deadline,but alas when I returned there was a flood and so they were backed up on appointments and so weren't able to schedule me in before the deadline.
At that time, I admit, I assumed it wasn't going to happen and I set my heart to finding another way to get back to France.
Then a miracle happened/French culture stepped in/divine providence:
I chatted with an acuaintance I rarely talked to and learned that she applied, after the fact to the assistantship program after having sent an e-mail to see if the deadline was a real deadline or a suggestion.
I did the same and found out it was the latter.
I know that God works all things out. And although I have no idea, very little idea to expect, I am thankful for the opportunity to live out my dream. It's beautiful because our Pastor has been talking about dreams and how they are gifts...We shall see.
I am so thankful and happy and blessed and all that.

What makes me even happier is that so many people are happy for me. I love celebrating other people's successes and happiness and it warms my heart that people care about me enough to share in mine.

The only thing is that i told mon cher and I didn't get the response I was hoping for. It really doesn't mean anything except I was a little sad. Granted what I would have loved is not his personality, so i should calm down...

Poisson d'Avril!

2009-04-01T09:39:00.002-04:00

SO I woke up this morning earlier than I thought I would. I went to bed later than I have been(00h45) and just knew I was going to be exhausted,but once again I surprised myself.
I woke up at 7h00 and read my Bible portions and then checked my e-mail only to discover that gMail is once again killing the e-mail game.
First the unsend button(not perfect,but still cool)
Now, a program ,AutoPilot, that responds back to e-mails as I would based on the context of the e-mail? YES PLEASE!
Yes, I'm entirely too excited about it,but I love it.
Next I made poissons (fish) for Poisson d'Avril.
In France for April Fools they(primarily children haha) make paper fish and try to put them on people's backs. I love the idea. I wish it was tradition to eat copious amounts of Swedish fish :)
Anyway, last year at the Chateau d'Oklahoma we made so many fish and put them a lot of places. Including a giant shark type fish that resided in the bathroom along with a creepy(great) Christmas picture of Sufjan Stevens, I think.
It was great.
And it's only 8h46 :)

Across the Universe...

2009-03-31T11:23:00.006-04:00

So yesterday I sent in my application for THE PR internship in Paris.
To say it would be a dream internship wouldn't be hyperbolic. It would be absolutely amazing.
I can't even wrap my head around how great it could be... and I honestly don't know my chances. I'm trying to dance the cautious optimism with the reality of the world. Everyone and their mum is looking for a job. I'm sure there are plenty of other students who would love this opportunity and thus the market for this internship is probably tight. My father reminded me that he's confident that I'm qualified and a great fit,but that there are two options, either I'm selected or not.
I know there's the "not" possibility,but it profits me nothing to dwell on that side. I've always considered myself an optimist and sometimes I'm disappointed,but more times than not, I'm pleasantly surprised. (so maybe that makes me a sometimes pessimist?)
I think in general I'd rather be disappointed every once in awhile than cynical for the majority of life.
My friend Vito just finished his Master's in Italy and decided and is moving to Brussels to find work there.
That's so brave to me. I wish him the best of luck and such...
Random:
This guy I've seen for the past 4 years introduced himself to me yesterday and asked me out for coffee.

Fitness Assessment

2009-03-30T09:34:00.003-04:00

I have a fitness assessment today.
I did(really) well on the first one, but I still occasionally flashback to President's Fitness Challenges that irked me in elementary school.
One year we had an obese, masculine woman screaming at us to run faster, jump higher, etc. She implored us in the grand Olympian style and yet, walked slower than my grandmother who was suffering from lupus.
The next year, I had two great PE teachers, Ms. Kirkland and Ms. Cloutier. They were fit
Anyway, after spring break and eating fried everything over the break I realised that I wanted(felt the need) to get my body right.
While I was in Bordeaux even though I was eating my dear chocolatines and gelato and other bread everyday, I was also running several miles a day.
I need to get back to that. I was on fiyah or "fit" as the Brits liked to say.

Update:
I again did an 8:07 mile and 30 pushups in a minute which is better than 25 the first time.
New goal, style on myself and get it below 8:00. This is going to require discipline...

Or a huge gym coach yelling at me...

2009-03-22T00:07:00.003-04:00

I am currently freaking the f out.
And I don't like it.
I was slapped in the face by reality when I re-realised that in 8 weeks I will be a graduate of OU and no longer have a set schedule/plan etc. Which is what I want. what I've worked for and now it's here and It's pretty bloody scary.
To cope with this I finished a box of thin mints as well as had a scoop of nutella.
I'm still freaking out.
I'm trying to remember my favourite verse, well one of, Jeremiah 29:11 about Him knowing the plans he has for me, plans to propser me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future,but I am legitimately shaken.
The calendar is now my enemy. I have TOO much stuff I need to and want to do before THE END.
I'm also reminded of Duffy's advice to chill the eph out, and I'm about to in the form of sleeping...hopefully I can sleep this off.

Stylin' and other thoughts...

2009-03-10T11:48:00.003-04:00

*I'm sore. and glad of it.
I've recently begun rock climbing. Like yesterday, and I'm already addicted. I've wanted to for the past three years and finally decided to just do it yesterday. I'm alright so far, I didn't fall yesterday which is great and each time I took to the wall, I became a little less afraid of falling.
How applicable to life.
*I hope that I will retain that resiliency in all aspects of my life...speaking of resiliency.
It's been almost a year since the breaking and it's amazing to think about where I was emotionally and where I am now.
It's funny, because I'm starting to read over my notes , e-mails and journal entries from the beginning to the end of my time over there and the part where he was in it,at least in France, was crazy. So much self-doubt and confusion. Which some of that might have been healthy because I've never had a reason to doubt myself in that way, ever and a certain amount of self-analysis is beneficial and healthy,but I don't think towards the end it was at all and I wanted to hang on so long.Just the other day I was reading over an e-mail and thought "if only I had...perhaps I would have kept him".That's silly of course. You can't keep someone (anyone actually) but especially not one who doesn't want to be with you.
Oh but how I pray for him so often. I used to breathe prayers for him and now it's triggered. Baby steps.
*I've internalised that I am at my happiest when a)I'm around international friends or at an international event b)with my friends and family (don't get it twisted I LOVE my four closest friends and family but I LOVE being in new places and new experiences. That means I probably need to chunk up the deuce to these shores soon.
*It annoys me a lot when people make fun of my major. Each major program has its strengths and weaknesses and each college has it's attractions and drawbacks.It's easy for me because I'm good at it. I don't think that everyone can write well especially people that aren't creative.
*I'm a complex person. I'm easy-going, personable etc.,but I'm human. I wish people wouldn't try me...
That's all. Very random, but that's it.

I love you USPS!

2009-03-08T16:16:00.004-04:00

I'm beaming right now.
I sent mon cher his birthday/Christmas gift last Monday(His birthday is tomorrow) and he's received it already! Usually I'm no big fan of the USPS because they take forever and there's no guarantee on when your package will get anywhere,but the one time I really wanted something to arrive ina timely manner, with no expectations of it actually doing so(see last post) IT DID!
I'm just so contente.
I'm sooo happy/thankful for some reason. Like I'm sitting in the library beaming because he received it and was happy and loved it.
I miss him a lot and it's always so good to talk to him.
The greatest thing is that he said just out of the blue while chatting on Facebook Chat "I miss our great conversations". That brought a smile to my whole body. That's a beautiful thing to miss...
We got on so well together it makes me wonder what would have happened had we had more time...je sais pas. I'm just incredibly thankful for him and all that he was and is.
I've always thought it was beautiful creating a smile in someone and feel very grateful that someone does that for me, even from across the Atlantic.

Today is a beautiful day and I'm in an incredibly thankful mood. I didn't go to church today,but I've been sending up praises to God all day because of how incredibly gorgeous it is.

In other news, Mexico is doing too much. No es bueno...

close your eyes and i'll kiss you,tomorrow i'll miss you...

2009-03-01T22:22:00.004-05:00

All My Loving by the Beatles

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true

And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you

I'll pretend that I'm kissing
The lips that I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true

And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving, I will send to you
All my loving, darling I'll be true

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true

And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving, I will send to you
All my loving, darling I'll be true
All my loving, all my loving
Ooh, all my loving, I will send to you.

Mon cher's birthday is a week from tomorrow. I'm sending him his Noel/Anniversaire(Christmas/Birthday) gift tomorrow. It won't reach him time,but it's not time sensitive either.
We aren't together,but we keep in touch regularly. I'm actually surprised at how regularly we write letters. It's a lost art and he believes in it as much as I do.I think it's the French love of nostalgia...anyway he makes me smile and tries to make my French better. And I hope that I add some sort of happiness to his life too.
And I'm perfectly content with that.
I was thinking about the Beatles' "All My Lovin'" and heard a great rendition by Amy Winehouse . One of my favourite songs and one of my favourite singers. It, like Julien, brought a smile to me.

black like me

2009-02-26T18:14:00.003-05:00

On Mardi Gras, I went out with my 4 closest friends.
Ladies drank free, which was more than alright with us. We talked, per usual, about the events and experiences that made up our day.
DM told about her lunch how she and a friend went to a like soul food restaurant , Somebody's Chicken and Waffles and her friend said she take one of her white friends there. She replied that she didn't have any white friends, but she would take me.
I laughed when she told me it.
I've never been considered black enough.
I went to predominately white schools and always blended in with the white kids.
I remember in 4th grade in New Jersey being called an Oreo and being really distraught before being really annoyed at the stupidity of
Only in college did I start heavily associating with black people. I got involved with BSA through meetings, participated in the MBOU pageant and was on exec.
It was a sort of culture shock being around so many people who looked like me, but in many cases had very different backgrounds and narratives than I had. That's one of the things I might miss a lot about leaving OU
It's whatever.
It's constantly on my mind how some people seem so fluid and can flow between cultures .I've always been thankful that I could be with other people and yet, keep myself. The only area that might be shaky in is my affinity for Jewish culture...
I can't help but think that the affinity that I have for other cultures is a gift from God. It's so random to be born in the United States of any given ethnicity,but to develop or foster a love for the unknown, in a sense to domesticate the unknown, so its not foreign, that's cool. I've recently picked up the memo that I've missed out on that Latin American cultures are beautiful and intriguing. I wish that I had been more actively involved with PanAm the last 4 years. I have until May 12 to make the most of it :)

And Yes, I'm mad

2009-02-24T21:49:00.002-05:00

P.S. While I'm krunk thoughts:
WHY do people get mad when they are told to be quiet when they are being LOUD?
WHY do unexcellent people always talk about being excellent?
What gives someone with a negative IQ the negative idea that they can talk to positive me?
What gives a known whore room to talk to a wife? (metaphor for yourself.)
What is the drug that the masses are on? It's not religion?
Why are fools so audacious?

Pearls before Swine...

2009-02-24T21:40:00.002-05:00

I've always heard the adage that "people get the government that they deserve". I've always believed it.
Tonight confirmed it...
Let's flashback.
While Sen. John S.McCain would have been okay as president, the American people needed someone who spoke hope into a hope deprived situation. Someone who was intelligent, vibrant, youthful, and hot i.e. President Barack H.Obama.
Things we, Americans, fancy ourselves to be or hope that we are, our better natures.
Had McCain won, I would have viewed our baser selves winning.

There are always winners and losers in any election and tonight was no different.
In the words of the snotty maitre d'(hotel) in Ferris Bueller: "I weep for the future".
That's all I will say about that for now.

Fortune favours the bold...

2009-02-16T22:33:00.003-05:00

so the guy that i e-mailed, e-mailed me back.
that made me rather happy.
I assumed that he would,not in the presumptuous,"why wouldn't he way",but in a "there's no reason for him not to way".
I thought about today, twice, in an elevator and then in the library, I assume good things will happen. Most times they do. So I'm content and that's probably why I'm happy most of the time.
The problem comes in when things fall apart as Chinuwe said, then I'm disappointed. I still think I would rather be content most of the time than disappointed sometimes.
Score: 5011 for me 2 or so for Fear.
Some of the best experiences of my life have come from not being afraid or not being as afraid as maybe I should have been:
Duffy
David, quite the experience (take me higher, hold me closer)
Julien (BEST story to date)
Hippie lady who blessed me
Suedois...
and now this...
I've been told by some, even people who are close friends that I'm too forward. In discussions I've had with people about cultural differences (North v. South) this has come up too.
I don't think my assertiveness, forwardness or decisiveness has hindered me at all thus far.
If anything, it's insured my happiness by insuring that I'm creating my life and not letting it happen to me.
I also do a fairly good job or being pursued when it gets serious,but I see nothing wrong with being honest about my feelings.
And it's worked thus far ;)

Cupid Shuffle...

2009-02-15T18:28:00.002-05:00

Valentine's Day came and went, and my life is no better nor any worse because of it.
It's really not all that serious.
If I was in a relationship I might have been more excited about the holiday,but I doubt it. Last year I was in Bordeaux and had just been told that someone needed space. I watched Chocolat and then La Mome with my roommates and I'm pretty sure nutella was involved.
We spent Valentine's Day ensemble in one of the most romantic cities in the world alone,but together. It matters who you're spending time with...
While I was walking today I thought about all the love that I could have celebrated yesterday...there's so much love in my world, I'm fortunate really to experience so much of it.
In particular my thoughts turned to Julien and the realisation that any part of my heart that is still open for occupancy or visitors is due entirely to him and to me allowing him in after damage had been done. It's like my heart and soul had gone through Katrina,but my friends and family were in Canada safe.
He was like FEMA, but less feckless, he actually came and rescued me.
I will forever be grateful to this kind, beautiful man.
Anyone who I end up marrying or dating seriously will have to send him a thank you card or gift or something...assuming that ever happens.

What the Eph Am I doing?

2009-02-12T18:25:00.002-05:00

I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona yesterday and it hit me. Hard.
Like Chuck Norrised me in the chest, then Jack Bauered me for good measure.
The synopsis is two Americain women go over to Barca and fall in love in different ways and for different reasons with this beautiful man. Juan Antonio(Javier Bardem) who is from the beginning very honest with the two women. He tells them he's very attracted to both of them and invites them for a weekend. One chica is down (I kind of identified with her in some ways, yet I'm not as brave as her) and the other is like "Hold up", we don't know him etc.etc. All very valid points, but kind of irrelevant.
Anyway lots of points come up in the movie about desire, honesty, and love:
How often have you seen someone and been like Hot Damn! this happens to me freuently and usually I don't act on it. This is the "normal" way to live. But the great/interesting experiences have come when I've decided to not be "normal" and act on that initial feeling. Why don't I do it all the time? Because like Vicky, I'm afraid to act.
Afraid to act in relationships.
Afraid to act on sending my ficiton out into the world.
Afraid to do the things I really want to do every moment of the day.
Some amount of restraint is good and keeps me from being locked up, but the ability to live free and honest is so enticing to me.
So today I took a small step.
I sent an e-mail to a guy I met last semester.
I liked his hair. and his smile.
The worst case scenario? He doesn't respond. or he responds, I hate you. Go die.
Chances are this won't happen.
Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Or not.
But at least now I get the chance to figure out how this story ends?Or even if it does?
I don't know.
I think it's always better to know.
Even with the hurt. It's better to know.
SO from now, I'm going to do what I want to do. As long as it doesn't hurt anybody else.

Pleasant day

2009-02-11T19:37:00.002-05:00

So, j'ai sechée tous mes cours aujourd'hui.
I skipped all of my (2) classes today and couldn't be happier.
I just had individual fitness and beginning guitar, so I think I'll be okay.
I had my physical so I can apply to go to France to be assistante and I felt bad because my medical history is pretty boring. Thankful, but bad. No broken bones, no surgeries, no allergies, not sexually active, not nothing.
Basically I could have done the physical by myself.
I spent a long time like 2.5 hours having lunch and café with this guy that I like un peu. Well more than un peu,but whatever and that was pleasant.

Random Thoughts

2009-02-09T20:42:00.004-05:00

*So I'm not sure how I feel about this whole bailout business and it's wholly for selfish reasons. I don't understand or feel that it will help my father or my family. And yes, that is one of the most important things to me right now. I need to read the bill before I judge it,but I've gathered that it will be heavy on creating jobs in infrastructure and NOT HELPING KEEP COMPANIES FROM FIRING PEOPLE which is a big problem. Yes, I'm even more sensitive since my dad has been out of a job,but it's really a growing concern for many families across socio-economic backgrounds.
*I ran into a recurring problem again today. I saw a good-looking man in a wheelchair today. I've seen him before and want to tell him I think he's cute (I do things like that) or even just talk to him. But, I don't want him to think I'm doing it just because he's in a wheelchair...This has happened before. I saw a really good looking, kind looking guy at Reagan a year and a half ago I think and wanted to talk to him. But I didn't. He was in fatigues, just having returned from somewhere serving our country, and one of his legs was gone. I didn't want him to think I was just making conversation because he was without a leg, or in the military. I wish I had talked to him...

Je veux aller chex moi. I want to go home.

2009-02-08T12:05:00.002-05:00

I want to go home.
When I became ill with the plague on Monday I knew I wanted to be in my Houston home with my family. But that is uite impossible,as we no longer live there. That's not even my family anymore.
Last night, when I woke up after a 5 hour "nap" at 00h30 and got pinched by discontent, I again wanted to go home.
Problem is, I don't know which home.
My family is in Nebraska. But they're also now in Oklahoma.
My homes, aren't just limited to seven different states I've lived in, they now include a little flat in Bordeaux. An even smaller place in Pessac. And even a a little country.
I haven't a clue where I really want to be. These moods come and go with me,but I fear that they will become even more freuent as my obligation to Oklahoma and in that sense, the States draws to an end.
What's to stop me from just leaving?
I don't know.
Family?
Not particularly, my family know how much I love them and how much that love has nothing to do with proximity.
Friends?
I love my friends.The ones I seriously consider to be friends. There are under 10 people that I would miss being able to communicate with as I do now.
Lover?
Nyet.
Animaux?
Non.
The only reason I want to get a job is so that I can give back to my parents because for far too long, I feel, I've been a burden on them.
I want to go home,but I know that I can't return to my high school home, the time for that has passed.
I said I don't know which home I want to go to,but that's not all the way true.
I do know...now I just need to find a way to make it happen. And marry that plan.

Forgive Me Father...

2009-01-31T12:04:00.002-05:00

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
I was a hater.
And content to be so.
I have a friend that I met my freshman year from France. A great kid, sweet, smart, wonderful, etc.
Except I wasted that year pining over an absolute arse. Absolute.
Friend liked me, showed interest, I shied away from that, crap about how I value our friendship or some other platitude.
Fast forward to visiting him and realising how swell he is.
Fast forward to him moving to an island and meeting a girl and being happy.
My probleme was that the girl is not cute. But more so than that, that that girl could have been me.
But nope.
So I hated on her and whatnot in my heart.
But then today I saw two new pictures posted of them and thought, "Aww they look so happy, maybe I shouldn't be so horrid."
Then I saw the caption for her whole album and it said, simply, "Tu(well, "il") me rends heureuse" He makes her happy.
And why should anyone hate on that.
I literally felt bad.
And this have recommitted to not talking about people or wishing for a past that didn't exist. I'm all for love and the thought that I would have disparaging remarks about someone my friend has chosen to invest energy and love in, is pretty horrid.
Sigh.
I'm only human,despite my best efforts.

Double Deuce

2009-01-27T13:11:00.001-05:00

A year ago I was in Bordeaux celebrating my birthday with people I didn't know too well,but who would become very important and dear to my heart.
This year, I'm in Okla.on my friend's couch watching Anchorman.
I can honestly say that I'm happy and thankful for both situations.
Yesterday classes were cancelled today after 13h30 because of a crazy ice storm and we had no class today!
Score and a half as I used to say back in the day.
I spent the night at one of my closest friends house sippin' daiquiris fixin' to eat Shrimp Fettuchini. And she's just made me a cake that will have Nutella put on it...Last night I got to watch Jack wreck shop on people and yea...life is pretty good.
There are things that would make it better though:
*having my crush reciprocate...insert teenage "SIGH"
*figuring out what my future holds...(i.e. whether I find a job in D.C.(dream) or go back to France (dream) or great unknown...
*a HUGE jar of Nutella
*A better weather day
Other than that Viva la Vida!

What!!?!?!?!!?

2009-01-26T17:34:00.004-05:00

*I don't understand why guys lie. This one guy who has liked me off and on for about 2.5 years has a Facebook status celebrating 2 years of growth and love with this girl who evidently he's been in a relationship with 2 years. But, yet and still he has professed his love for me over this time period.
That makes sense.
The great thing is that I never liked him.
The bad thing is,is that I listened to him sometimes.
Oh well, 2009 is a new year and he's so 2008.

Caught up

2009-01-22T10:40:00.003-05:00

I've decided that as of 22, Janvier, 2009, I do not want to be caught.
That is to say that I do not want to be in a relationship. and maybe not even that, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is great and has cared for me for a long time(perhaps to long).
I feel like I dodged a bullet.
I was supposed to go visit said man and figure things out,but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I wasn't able to. (Chicks before...)
But it turned into a blessing. Because we went out and met the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person. Beautiful caramel skin. Gorgeous smile. And just all around lovely.
Later that night we went to an afterparty that was so much fun and I met another great guy. Charming.Soulful.Great.
And several things struck me. Had I gone to visit the guy I might have fooled myself into believing I liked him more than I do.
Had I gone to visit him, I wouldn't have been there for my friend or met those two guys.
Even if nothing beyond friendship happens, it's still worth it that I didn't go.
I wish I liked him. Because he's such a great guy,but the heart wants what it wants...who am I to tell my heart what to do. Even though it decided to break, give itself to undeserving people, etc...

Sofa King Happy

2009-01-21T17:47:00.002-05:00

I am so happy.
As happy as at the beginning of a relationship when you consider every good thing that happens to be a direct consequence of the love in your life.
I felt that good today.
I'm in love with no one, but I was full of love and happiness today.
Why?
I don't know.
Maybe because: *January is my absolutely favourite month, bar none. * My birthday is fast approaching and I love birthdays *Barack is officially number 44 now * I got a ring pop today
*it was about 63 and absolutely beautiful. *I saw the most beautiful man I've ever seen again today* I didn't die last night* I had a Red Velvet Cupcake (so good!) *the lighting of the world was just right* I filed for graduation* I have beginning guitar* I love my body...there are SO many great things.
Things aren't perfect,but I feel so blessed to be alive in 2009 experiencing the newness of it all.
I want to danse constantly, and while I know many people would probably judge me, maybe even the closest ones, I know that there would be people dansing along.
And that's beautiful.

A funny thing happened...

2008-12-25T15:03:00.003-05:00

So I left Saturday for Christmas break. One of my closest friends drove me to the airport like friends have done many times before. We pulled up to the United counter and I got out, hugged my friend and gathered myself and my belongings.
On time departure, I read. Outstanding!
In line I saw an attractive guy who was also becoming increasingly annoyed at the queuing up process. Eventually, I stepped up to the self check-in kiosk and he was beside me.
"Kayley had a little lamb?" he said with a smile.
"Yea, my friends and I exchanged gifts and I love it so I brought it and, yea...she's really soft."
I said good bye,not expecting to see him again. I went through security hoping no one would question why a grown woman was carrying a lamb. Instead all of them asked where I got it and her story. After re-dressing and gathering my belongings again I headed to find food. The only thing I had had that day was Nutella. Not bad,but not terribly filling.
I made my way down the concourse to Gate 5 reflecting on previous times I flew out of Will Rogers.
The last time someone drove me I was leaving for 5 months. Not 3 weeks.
I cried like a woman possessed,despite trying to control my tears.
This time, I was even more well-traveled and anticipating this trip.
I walked down to the gate and heard murmurings that our flight had been delayed until 9 because of weather. A year or so ago I would have been ticked off. But I already factored in the possibility of a delay so was a lot calmer.
I made my way to the bar,but before I did, I saw two exchange students.
There flight to Minneapolis had been cancelled. I offered them my cell, and continued to the bar.
I ordered my drink and watched whatever unimportant bowl game that was on.
The baby faced, blond bartender seemed eager to talk and I obliged by listening.
At the other end of the bar was a frazzled looking woman who I found out had been there since 4:00p.m.
It was 8:3oish by this time.
We exchanged small talk and I gathered that she was on her way to see her mom eventually. The bartender asked me what I was majoring in, if I was Greek and thanked me when I told him I wasn't. I listened to the day he had and tried to encourage him. Soon a girl my age sat down looking annoyed and sad. I gave her a smile and she took it, rightly,as an invitation.
I learned that she was on her way to Cali to surprise her father for his birthday. She was worried that any delay would cut into their time together and was trying not to freak out.
We became travel buddies of sorts.
After talking to the agents to make sure a flight was actually still leaving we headed for our gate.
Again.
There's been another delay. Flight ....will now depart at 10:30.
10:30 turned to 10:45 and then finally to 11:00, by this time I made the acquaintance of Amin the guy who made the little lamb quip earlier.
He was reading a book on Jerusalem. One of my favourite topics.
I'm not paying for a hotel, Amin said.
I agree, I chimed in.
We boarded, had a safe flight, and landed in Denver safely.
I didn't see Flight 1404 when we landed,but I saw the culprit. The ice on the tarmac was thick and glistened belying the slickness. I genuflected and thanked God that the worst that had happened was a missed connection. We disembarked and headed to customer service.
Made the acquaintance of a family from OKC who were going skiing. I had noticed the youngest son, he was probably 20, at the airport. His purple skinny jeans,black pea coat and vintage glasses made me smile.
After following his family to another customer service desk we got our vouchers for food and hotel accommodations. I stuck by my new friend and was reminded of Kurt Vonnegut's sons belief that we were meant to help each other through this whatever this might be.
I saw Amin again as we were leaving for the Renaissance.
Sam and I talked about her trip and I continually reassured of her how it would get better.
I hoped it would.
We boarded the shuttle to the Renaissance and met more interesting pilgrims.
Two teenagers on their way to Sioux City traveling for the first time by themselves. A Montanan working in the Netherlands who wanted to return back to Montana. And a woman who was his former classmate.
We were spirited 25 minutes away and deposited at the Renaissance where after wishes of good will towards men, we went to bed. Some to get up mere hours later to try the journey again.
As I went to sleep I couldn't help but be happy.
It wasn't the trip I wanted,but it's the trip I needed and that other people needed.
After heavenly sleep ,I awoke to the History Channel episode about angels and smiled.
I went down to breakfast and saw Amin and we chatted more. He told me about the crazy horse similar to the one in Norman and my heart smiled too.
After a firm handshake and smile, I left and he left to his final destination.
I wish we had exchanged information,because he was a really nice, insightful guy. But it's okay and perhaps better that we were able to converse in that isolated experience and that's it. Who knows.
All it took was a smile.

What a difference a year makes...

2008-11-27T22:34:00.003-05:00

It's Thanksgiving.
This is my first one away from my family and at first I was kind of sad,but then you know I got over it. It's been lovely spending it with one of my closest friends. Now I am full and angry watching UT being regular against AM but broadcasters still being on McCoy's...business.
Last year at this time I was in Omaha. With my family.
In two days I would be told by someone I was in a relationship that we were through and would spend Saturday night crying.
Then Sunday morning we were back together.
Fastforward to this year and I'm awed at what a difference a year makes.
I miss that person and almost wanted to send an annoying "Happy Thanksgiving" text,but decided against it.

I think a big par tof growing up is accepting the everchanging contexts of one's life and living in those.

I hate it sometimes.
That and Texas.

Only in America...

2008-11-04T23:40:00.003-05:00

I'm quite pleased with the results of this election. I won't get into all the emotions and thoughts I'm feeling.
No,racism is not dead,but perhaps it's on life support? I'm happy.
I'm thankful that I've seen the day where we have a) an intelligent president again b) and yes an African-American president.
I have NEVER been prouder to be an Americaine. Always proud, but never prouder.
All these dumbasses talking about leaving the country, where are you going?
But seriously.
Where are they going?
They're not going to Europe, maybe to Russia.
They're probably not going to Asia, sure as hell not going to Africa.
Where are they going?
They're staying in these here 50 and getting ready to drink a HUGE glass of Change.
Or shut the hell up...

DNC

2008-08-27T21:36:00.004-04:00

So...
I'm back to blogging.
I was inspired by William Jefferson Clinton's, good ol' Slick Willy, speech. The difference between and Hillary's speech was absolutely mind boggling.
Absolutely.
Hillary's was rubbish.
Bill's was enthusiastic, effective gold.
He has shown once and for all why he is considered one of the best orators of this time.
He explicitly recanted, with style and grace, previous Clinton campaign attacks on Barack's inexperience and inability to lead from day one. Something very simple that Hillary should have and could have said, her husband said with much more enthusiasm and (even if feigned) conviction.
Hot damn that man can talk!
Here's a link to the text of his speech:
http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/text-bill-clintons-speech/story.aspx?guid=%7B386FB784-B10C-4648-BD91-49C4767585DF%7D&dist=hpts
The highlights, in my opinion:
"With Joe Biden's experience and wisdom, supporting Barack Obama's proven understanding, insight, and good instincts, America will have the national security leadership we need.
Sucks that John Kerry had to follow such a dynamic speech. Although his flipping the script on the "flip flop" theme was clever and for a split second showed a speck of personality and dare I say, humor?"
"Barack Obama is ready to lead America and restore American leadership in the world. Ready to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States. Barack Obama is ready to be President of the United States. "
There you go.
He's basically said," forget what might have slipped out over the past 18 or 19 months, forget how we might have seemed, we were just kidding. That Barack, he's alright"
The above is really all Hillary needed to say. And she failed.Her husband, by far the cooler of the two, did not only his reasonable service to the DNC and to Barack, but went above and beyond.
While laying out a clear, logical argument to those who might still be pettily considering voting from a place of frustration and "hurt" Bill reinforced why Barack really is the only logical choice for Democrats.That's assuming voters are logical.
He closed with:
"Barack Obama will lead us away from division and fear of the last eight years back to unity and hope. If, like me, you still believe America must always be a place called Hope, then join Hillary, Chelsea and me in making Senator Barack Obama the next President of the United States."
His closing,while well written , belied the fact that Bill's service was not wholly altruistic.
However, he served with a smile.
A little bit went along way.
The olive branch that Bill extended not solely to Barack supporters, but I think especially to African-American voters , will go along way to securing his legacy.
A legacy he has realised ,and hopefully Hillary, is inextricably linked to Barack's.
Overall Bill hit it out of the park and showed that he was a baby and understood that the battle was over, but the war for the White House is still on.
The energy that Bill injected into a sometimes long, drawn out even buoyed Kerry.
That's some type of speech.

Deciphering the French Nat'l Character

2008-03-19T08:43:00.003-04:00

So, I've been thinking about what composes a nation's character. What are the ingredients to creating a person of any nationality? Certainly ingredients include such grand historical events like myths of independence and national sins such as slavery, genocide and the like. I would like to throw the education system in there as a crucial ingredient.
I'm sitting in a class, en Français, and a pair of students have a presentation to do. They have their handouts ready , crisp and clean, they pass them out, speak articulately,as far as ,y foreign ear is concerned and everything is lovely.
At the end of the presentation, or exposé, I'm ready to give these people a well-deserved clap. My hands draw together as if there's a magnet between them, then I stop and ascertain the situation.
I'm the only one moving at all.
Applause is not about to explode over the room and these students are not the least bit concerned.
My mind flies back to every presentation I've ever done stateside. People will clap, for the most part, whether you just gave a Nobel Prize winning oration or just got to the front of the room and started speaking in tongues.
We , American students and teachers,seem to reward the effort. I've even said to people before, " E" for effort.
Not so here in the land of France.
Not only does no one applaud, but then the professor proceeds to critique the two , in front of everyone and their mama. I'm looking around like WTF and ask a guy sitting next to me, "est-ce que c'est normale?" He looks back as if I asked what denomination the pope is or from which direction the sun rises and replies, "oui". This practice of calling people out begins in elementary school from what I've been told.
That's when it hit me and everything made sense.In my mind. My thesis is that the French indulge in PDA because they don't get enough,and this is a scientific term, "warm fuzzies" through out their education. To compensate for this as they get older they react in one of two ways-making out in public places and/or shooting people really judmental looks. Maybe this system is better to toughen kids up. But I'm going to go with a negative ghostrider.
This is just my first step in understanding the French as a national character.
You can't really blame them though.

l'homme du bon bon

2008-01-31T06:38:00.000-05:00

So this one time...
Sunday mornings are really nice in Bordeaux because everything is so extremely chill.oh and closed. I use the opportunity to go to church and then walk around. On my first sunday I discovered all of these candy vendors. They had the most delicious coma inducing varieties of goods I had seen in awhile. I bought some candied nuts from this one guy who somehow persuaded me to take the headphones out and walk toward him.
He was nice enough, but kept asking me if I had a boyfriend. I gave him an answer to the effect of I have someone pretty special,significant, etc. He was like oh cool, it was wonderful to meet you anyawy. I hope to see you soon. Okay; that's not bad considering he's always posted up selling his candy and nuts at the same place.
The next Sunday, my birthday, I buy some more candied nuts.( In fact I gorged myself on them and now never want to see them again.) I'm walking with 2 of my roommates and he asked how I was doing again and if I had met anybody. I'm good; but it had only been a week, sheesh.
He asks for my number and trying to be open to the possibilities out there, I oblige. He leaves his candy place and goes across the way to get a pen from churro vendors. I give it to him and go along my merry way stuffing my face.
The next day, homie calls and ask me for café, whatev, I'm down.
Oh I haven't described candy man.
I thought he was 40 when i first saw him. A good looking 40,but 40 all the same. Maybe 5'8...
And did I mention grey hair. Like straight up Storm from X-Man grey.
We're conversing in french over café and he slips in, real non-chalant, do you have a boyfriend, here? I say no and mention my....person haha stateside and he's like okay. Completely ignores the me in a something and is like do you think there's a possibility for me to be your boyfriend. I let a laugh out, look at him kind of crazy and ask him to repeat himself. He does and then says french guys are really direct.
I then told him (MISTAKE COMING) maybe we'll see, even while in my head I'm thinking:
*you're a decade older than me
*i'm in love with someone
*you're starting to creep me out/get on my nerves
So we part ways and I'm like okay; that's that.
The next day, homestar calls 4 times, not exaggerating, while I'm trying to nap.
I'm serious about my naps and I didn't appreciate the interruption so I didn't answer.
I hope this is the end of L'homme du bon bon. We are not going to have some sort of Josephine Baker/Lolita fantasy obession.
That's not cute.
I knoa everyone likes (hot) chocolate, but good gravy!

You're doing fine Oklahoma...Except that you're not.

2007-12-11T20:24:00.000-05:00

So before today, I admit, reluctantly, that I was naive about the university. I viewed our President as a benevolent almost paternal figure who genuinely cared about my well-being and my fellow students' well-being. At least that's what I remember thinking when I heard speak of the "OU family" and such.
Before today, I believed that my life was significant or at least a little bit special to that trifecta of goodness. If for nothing else because I'm an out of state student, I thought that my existence mattered a little. Today I was kicked from that cloud by the realization that our University President, Provost, and Board of Regents wished death upon me and my fellow students.
No they didn't verbalize this death wish.
They didn't have to.
They basically said "Eph yo life" when they insisted, foolishly, on having finals today despite the wintry hell(ironic,but true) that ravaged the Midwest (OKLAHOMA INCLUDED)
I received an e-mail saying that finals would resume Tuesday as planned.This was a brilliant idea,save the trees in the road, 25,000+ people(including students,faculty and staff) without power and general idiocy of expecting people to be prepared or in one piece for finals after being without electricity,heat, and wireless.
That being said, I am grateful that in all of their benevolent wisdom our Board of Regents decided to cancel their meeting and reschedule it for tomorrow. I'm happy that they weren't endangered by braving tree laden roads. I'm thankful that some administrators are warm and safe with their Christmas lights. This genuinely makes me happy as I think about the thousands of individuals,not just students, not just in Oklahoma, who are cold and distraught.
I'm done harping on this unfortunate event, this lapse in judgement, this sheer stupidity.
Walking on campus in the monsoon like conditions was one thing. I'm grateful I had electricity,heat,food,electricity and such. Walking on campus was like walking through a fairy tale where a giant just got pissed and started ripping out trees and just chunking them places. It was also like fording the Mississippi, Ohio, Tigris, Euphrates, Nile, Amazon and whatever other massive bodies of water you can think of.
Whatever.
I guess it really doesn't matter that our campus was nearly unnavigable.
It was cute to worry about being stuck down, not by God but by an unruly tree branch. And by branch I mean trunk.
I'm over it.

...Actually I'm not over it at all. I wish I could call Dubya and commend him for getting his life right. He declared it a state of emergency today.
Say what you will about him,but that fool has learned his lesson. After Katrina and Rita he hears the wind blowing to loudly and he's like "Aww hell, eh heh heh, let me call FEMA", other people hear the freaking winds sweeping down the plains and they press on with finals.
I realize I've been overly harsh.
I stand corrected. I should apologize for my harsh words and sarcasm.
Well done.
You're doing fine Oklahoma!
Except that you're not.

A Bobby and Michael Story

2007-12-08T04:31:00.000-05:00

So this one time...
my friends and I were minding our business,per usual :), after a party(Last Jamz if you must know) and decided that we were hungry.
The idea fell upon us almost simultaneously: I.H.O.P. (For those of you who don't know I.H.O.P. is an acronym that means "International House Of Pancakes")
Anyway, so we go to I.H.O.P. which is the spot after most parties and we see all sorts of odd people, per usual.
We order and see Michael sit down, he takes off his coat and it says "Security". I was kind of confused what he was security of, as it appeared that I could take him, but I think Michael would have liked it...
So then his friend, Bobby,comes up and sits down and they commence talking about all sorts of things rather loudly. We heard snippets of their conversation "doggy style" comes out "she's ephin' cute" and such. The whole conversation is hilarious and ridiculous. Michael is just talking about how hard it is to work security and about his co-workers and such.
Suddenly, they realize we're listening to their conversation. I didn't care at all. It was interesting.
Then they keep talking and looking over and we're laughing at them/with them.
Eventually, I get up to go to the restroom and hear laughter,but I ignore it. I look back at my friends who are also laughing and see what went down when I got back from the restroom.
"They said you had a nice body on you," said one friend who thought this was hilarious.
Although I was taken aback, my friends and I start busting out laughing again and Michael and Bobby are still looking at us.
A few minutes later we overhear, "Three hot girls are NOT going to want to have a threesome."
It was positively HILARIOUS!
Bobby and Michael were bold.
I know I'm going to miss times like this...

Boo to Bureaucracy

2007-11-27T21:25:00.000-05:00

3 weeks are all that stand between me and the great unknown (i.e. France,this energy I'm involved with...)
I'm still planning on studying in France. It's gettin' hard for yer girl though because the French are striking(per usual), rioting in les banlieues(the "ghettos"/projects/hoods/wards)(per usual) and being a nuisance to Americans (me in the instance)
I have to get a visa. This is not a work visa. If I work there I will be an illegal immigrant. Which is oddly appealing for me to be in France,because really what are they going to do to me? Retreat?
Anyway, on their consulate websites they say you have to go a specific one based on your region. I find that to be incredibly and undeniably whack with a capital feckless! Just because I happen to be posted up in OK, or NE doesn't mean i shouldn't be able to go D.C.(which will be most convenient for me) to get the visa which is just a blimey stamp!
I talked to several French women I'm sure I could take if I had to, who acted as if my desire to go where I wanted to go to get my visa done was ludicrous.
One lady in particular,after relaying my predicament, remarked,as if I asked for her commentary "Why would you want to do that?"
She almost made me lose my mind...and my manners.
I hope everything works out. I really do.
Right now a lot of factors are making it look kind of dubious...

Tears Dry on their Own

2007-11-18T23:38:00.001-05:00

So there's this trite cliche (redundant i know) that says "the person worth your tears won't make you cry".
I don't know how I feel about that. Because there's this guy I know who hasn't made me cry,but maybe might have had me on the verge...
Life and relationships are complex. As Maroon 5 says "it' snot always rainbows and butterflies it's compromise that moves us along".
I've acknowledged that there are some things I will have to change but "I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine."
That's how I feel right now at least.
That could change if he doesn't get his life right.

So little to do, so much time...strike that reverse it.

2007-11-18T12:21:00.000-05:00

*our loss to ephing tech yesterday made me curse.aloud. multiple times. i'd rather not discuss it ever again.
*i had my education abroad orientation yesterday and i am overwhelmed,but more focused i think. there's so much to do before i can chunk up the deuce to the south and the north. but i'm mentally ready. the emotional readiness won't hit me until...the flight?

Things I must do:
*get ticket
*get visa
*get packed to move out of norman temporarily
*get coverage for repatriation of remains, haha. but seriously.
*decide what i'm doing this summer...
*get my life right.

*we have 3 weeks of school left and i don't want to do anything academic associated. does that make me a bad person? maybe,but i'm okay with that.

Beautiful Surprise...

2007-11-04T16:20:00.000-05:00

Beautiful Surprise
"It's like yesterday I didn't even know your name
Now todayYou're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I'd feel this way
You are a beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise
Whatever it is that you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future hold
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise"
-India.Arie
So there's this guy/man/energy in my life that has made me so happy. He just popped back in my life a couple of weeks after four months. Instead of questioning his poor timing we just went with it and it's been beautiful. I don't know what"it" is,but it's good and brings me so much happiness. I'm trying not to get caught up,but he makes me think poetry and speak songs.
That's it.

This is the first day of my life...

2007-10-25T22:53:00.001-04:00

Today was perfectly blissful.This happy feeling started quite early in the morning,but that's another story for another time ;)

Anyway.

I got my computer back!(Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!) So that started the day off grand like a piano.

The weather kept the chill it's been playing with this entire week,but it was lovely.

I've always held to the mantra "We can live without friends,we can live without books,but civilized man cannot live without books." I can't remember who said that,but it speaks to my heart. I bought a book today, a book I didn't need for any practical purpose,save that it made me happy. My conclusion: BEGIN READING "EAT,LOVE,PRAY". I just started today and I'm devouring it. I started it on the bus,went home to read it, and read it in French class. The story is beautiful and I want it to be my life(living in different countries and learning about who I am and such) minus a nasty divorce...I feel like the beginning of that journey is in January when I chunk up the deuce to les Etats-Unis pour Bordeaux.

Monday is when I told the girls they can start talking about my departure. They haven't really listened to me,but it's easier for me,for now, if I can suppress the preemptive sadness right now.

I had a thought today that I thought was deep,but Luke wasn't terribly impressed.

Thesis: Some people are destined to NOT find their soul mate because their soul counterpart has been shared in a lot of different people throughout that said individual's lifetime.

I even went to my french composition class which I find to be painfully dull,except today it was bareable because I had my new book :)

Anyway, after class I had cafe with my Thomas. Il est un de la plus gentil hommes du monde(Don't judge my french grammar)

Then I went to exercise for the first time in about a few weeks and it felt so good. My body has been looking less than ideal in my eyes,but I'm not obsessing. Life is too serious.

After that, one of the best parts: I went running today! I started at the dorms and ran to the North Oval and swang back around. Few things make me happier than running in the Fall. The strain ,burn and pain are temporary but the high stays for awhile. The cool air counteracted my rising body heat and cleared my mind. I reached some sort of mini-Nirvana while running. Even as my little nose reddened and my ribs started to ache, I felt wonderful.

After that, I got Pumpkin Custard! I love Pumpkin flavored food and drink.

The goodness didn't end there.

To end this beautiful day, I got a massage from this massage therapist and it felt Fabulous.

These seem like little things but it was just a grand day. Now, I'm going to read my delightful book and fall asleep with travel and love on my mind.

Boo!

2007-10-01T20:14:00.000-04:00

Octobre is always a crazy month. I don't know why, it just is. Or maybe I'm just always crazy in Octobre... I have all these random things on my mind:
*I turned in my Study Abroad application last Friday which means I'm actually supposed to be thinking and planning to chunk up the deuce. I don't want to think about it. I'm beginning to re-fall in love with the idea...I don't know. I have to do it. I think.
*There's this guy...there always is.
*We saw a documentary in my History of Journalism class about the KKK and it made me sad and even more than that, incredibly awkward. I know that racism exists it's just always sad when I am reminded of it. In this bubble called OU it's so easy to believe that the world is at peace-it's not.
* My parents are less than thrilled with me because they think my phone usage is out of line :( They claim that my part of the bill this last time was $300 :( Boo to that! And now they're saying if I don't get my life right they will have to take it away. BOO TO THAT, I SAY!
*This whole novel writing thing is an eye-opening experience. It has and is currently making me feel rather incompetent and ridiculous.

But praise God! There is a light at the end of a tunnel, a light called OU/TX!

Happy New Year!

2007-09-17T19:36:00.000-04:00

The Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana ,the New Year, has just passed I'm not really Jewish,but I really appreciate the thought of another New Year around the time that school is gearing back up.During the holiday you wish people a sweet new year, and also ask forgiveness for any wrongs you might have done to them over the past year.
I received a phone call from from a random number. I didn't recognize the number ,but after checking the voicemail I realized it was from someone who hurt my feelings, minorly over the summer.
The incident was minor,but I was a tad sad,but I got over it. (In the grand scheme of life,it wasis so inconsequential)So I was shocked when the individual apologized for hurting me. Genuinely shocked. It was a sincere apology and desire to repair a friendship.
It was beautiful that he or she cared enough to contact me(because I had erased his or her number)There's something beautiful about being able to choose to forgive someone and then doing it. The beauty of Rosh Hashana ,for me, is that it's a fresh start in nature with Autumn and such,but also with humanity if you so choose.
So...shana tovah-best wishes for a sweet new year.
Make it a sweet year or not,the choice is yours.

Life in the time of Orange Alert

2007-09-11T15:30:00.000-04:00

6 years ago today , life in the U.S. came to a halt. I was a freshman in high school and I still remember being in Integrated Physics and Chemistry(wasn't a big fan of that class) in the morning when we heard the news. I was terribly confused. To borrow T.S. Eliot's words, "I had not thought that death had undone so many."
6 years later,today, in Oklahoma it is a beautiful day. I woke up and it was 57 degrees and sunny-my idea of perfect weather. I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte to usher in Autumn in my mind and my day was lovely.
I watched CNN before heading to class and heard the story of a pair of twins who were born 6 years ago today. As horrible and wretched as September 11th, 2001 was, beauty still came from it. 2 little girls were born amongst many other thousands. And I would wager that May 11th, 2001 saw even more birth celebrations.
As horrible and scary as the world is, I'm still hopeful. When people cease to see the point in having children,that's when I'll throw in the towel.
It feels like God hand-selected the day to remind people,me at least, that life still goes on and that happiness, even contentment can still survive under continued heightened alert.

I gotta brand new scone, nobody even knows...

2007-09-06T01:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good food day for me.

So, I had a scone today. Not any ordinary scone. I had the single best scone I've had this side of the pond.It's a raspberry white chocolate scone from CAFE PLAID and it literally changes my life with each bite. Over the summer, in D.C., I got hooked on scones. I met this random Brit(met him randomly and he was random) and he said I was "delightful as a little scone". I took the compliment to heart because his accent was so charming and his eyes shown with mischief and joy,but after trying a scone I was quite pleased with how delightful life was.

Scones can change your whole perspective on ish.

It's funny how good food can change you mood or at least frame your attitude...

Previous to this I had a delightful lunch with someone who I think has potential to become a really close friend at the Turquoise Cafe. I had a salad and I usually hate salads, but this salad was outstanding on all levels. It made me happy.

Even though the weather outside was a tad annoying, I felt better because of my magical scone.

...

2007-09-04T18:09:00.000-04:00

I can already tell that this semester is going to be odd.
I'm a junior which means I'm more than half way done with my undergraduate career-That's insane.
Another component adding to the craziness: soooo many people I know are graduating which kind of adds to my sense of urgency about getting my life right...
I'm on the cusp of a beginning and ending of an era I think.
Another craziness factor is that many of my friends are studying abroad and un petit part wishes that I had decided to go for the year, but it wouldn't have been for the best. However, hearing about friends that are all over God's green earth encourages me that my decision to go to France next semester will be for the best.
There's something about the unknown and possibilities that fires my passions and emotions. I can't wait.
However, before I go I have a wish and I hope it comes true. For now, I'll keep it to myself, but it will be on my mind until that time...

You're going to make it after all...

2007-08-29T00:55:00.001-04:00

So it's only the 2nd day of the 2nd week of school and I am stressed.
Fortunately, I have a mother who won't let me indulge in pity parties for long, close friends who listen and help me put things in perspective, and the uncanny belief that God loves me and wants me to be happy...

Je m'aime et donc...

2007-08-22T08:46:00.000-04:00

There is an incredible amount of freedom that comes from loving oneself-not the narcissistic mess but genuine appreciation for the person one has become or is becoming.
I feel like I've reached a place or at least fairly close to reaching a place that many adults haven't reached in their development where they can say that the love themselves.
A gentleman who is like a mentor to me says all the time that "You have to get a Ph.D in yourself"-This is real talk.
When you begin to wrestle and work through all of the things that make you tick the hope is that you can fine peace in the complexities that make up human existence.
Loving yourself frees others to love you and allows you to love others.
Because I love myself I am able to love my family that God has blessed me with even when they're difficult.
Because I love myself, I can love my best friends and not get jealous of them.
Because I love myself, I don't have to size up or judge every other female in a 10 mile radius of me because I know I'm not perfect the way that I am,but I am what I am therefore tripping about someone else is wholly unnecessary.
Because I love myself I can reach out to others even if it is unreciprocated however,because I love myself, I won't (any longer :( ) deal with individuals who don't love me as much as I love myself or them. I don't think this is a bad thing, it just makes sense.
Probably more on this developing belief later in the year. But the thought came as a result of seeing people, not limited to freshmen,who for some reason or another don't seem to like themselves.
There's an amazing amount of clarity that comes from deciding to get your life right...and choosing not to care about insignificant events.

Muy Caliente

2007-08-08T13:32:00.001-04:00

This song is en fuego although the original is better by Sergio Mendes.

God blessed the broken road...

2007-08-06T21:16:00.000-04:00

I just walked away from/said goodbye to my Kostos.Surprisingly, I didn't cry-I think I'm growing up. Either that or I am ready to get the hell out of dodge. It's a good mix, I'd suppose.
I'm horrid with goodbyes, like wretched.Friday was my last day of work and I said I wasn't going to cry(lying to oneself is NOT a good way to live) yet I proceeded to tear up, my little nose reddening and such and cried like nobody's business. There's just something a tad disconcerting about one phase of your life ending and new possibilities(the unknown) beginning.
I've met so many interesting,sketch,fabulous individuals up here and I know I'm going to miss them. However, tears don't change things and so I must change my outlook. The summer has been miraculously awesome.I'm thankful for having the opportunity to go to Israel for the lessons I've learned this summer and the opportunity to live and work in our nation's capitol.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this is only the beginning of a curious relationship with this crazy city.
I've changed in some ways. And now my time in D.C. is done.
I'm a little bit sad, but more anxious to get back to the heartland. Something keeps pulling me back to Norman-It's like a magnet.
I feel like God has blessed the broken road that keeps leading me back to Norman, semester after semester.
What possibilities!

Gathering my thoughts. And belongings.

2007-07-27T17:42:00.000-04:00

So I am officially one week a way from completing my internship. I'm so sad and I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'm actually fixin' to go back. However,I am anxious to return to a place where"fixin' to" is not an anomaly but a way of life.
It's scary to think how much I have learned and grown in so many ways. I left the country for the first time(no, I don't count Mexico) I've met some amazing guys(Amen! Hallelujah!) and have grown closer to the person I want to be.
I've also decided on some good ways to live. It's become one of my catchphrases ;)
*Setting up boundaries is key to life:
I let this girl stay with me from my internship because she was in need and needed a place to stay. I'm not a saint, so I don't know why I let this ingrate annoy me for so long. I ALWAYS intended for it to be temporary and I guess she didn't. She stayed for about 4 weeks grating on my nerves making my life a little less happy and I regret that I didn't ask her to leave earlier.
Moral of the Story(MOS) had I had the chutzpah to tell her when to go(tell me when to go...) I might have still liked this individual. This is not the case. I found out that she was ungrateful,feckless and just not a good person.
*Being assertive is a good way to live:
Some editor at the school paper thought it would be a good idea to talk(write?) crazy to me after I have helped her this whole summer with columns because she needed assistance. Instead of being hurt, I kindly sent her an e-mail explaining how her actions were unnecessary and uncalled for. I wasn't rude.very,but I did let her know she had no right to act so disdainfully toward me. I'm not conceited,but I think I'm an alright gal.
* Embracing life to the fullest is a good way to live:
I've done so many awesome things this summer, that I never would have thought possible.Traveling overseas, interning 9 to 6, living in D.C. none of this would have been possible or as fulfilling had I not been open to embrace what life had to offer. I actually, as corny as this sounds remember OU's first president's remark "What possibilities!" This is a good way to live.
* I've gained sooooo many books.
I basically have resumed reading like a fiend. An activity that the academic year often hinders but reading for pleasure is absolutely one of my favourite activities.
* Amongst many other good ways to live is being open to friendship. Through my internship and traveling I've met so many upstanding,outstanding people. Genuinely amazing people that I wish to keep with me forever. In my pocket. Well, not so much because that would suffocate them. Point is, allowing people to come into your life,maybe that you wouldn't automatically think to let in is definitely a good way to live.

Therefore, it is with mixed feelings that I will leave D.C. I still have about a week and a half left and I intend to make the best of it...after my nap.