16 January 2010

I want the old me back

*Disclaimer* I hate complaining. I find it to be feckless and a drain on energy, but sometimes it's necessary at least to clear the negativity so I can keep running on sunshine and bubbles which is what most people think I run on instead of oxygen, confusion and hope...if that makes sense.

I'm in a rut and not sure how to get out of it. I know the normal tools I use, but for some reason have failed to implement them...

I'm a wee bit tired of my little town. I wanted to go to Nantes to socialise but vacillated too long deciding. Thus losing my opportunity to see a good friend and also someone I may or not be interested in that I had a dream about.
It's a Saturday night and I've youtubed like I was being paid. I'm not. I also ate McDonald's for the first time since October and (hopefully) the last time for a long time.
I was productive today because of the constant rain that dared me to come outside. It won. So I revised my CV (resume) and letter of motivation for two positions in French and English. So riddle me why I didn't send out the English one? I have a mental block. It's like I've suffered a loss of confidence, whether it be from the most recent failed relationship or what.
Not just in the professional future aspect, but in another way too. The kind of attractive (there's something about him) guy who works at the lycee. He was finally there on Friday and instead of strolling up to him like I envisioned, I walked cautiously and asked him in horrid French if he wanted to join my English Club for professors... I felt like a little kid. A feeling I detest.

I'm also not in love with 2010 so far. A year that began with so much optimism on the part of so many has turn into a living hell for so many. My heart aches for those in Haiti who are suffering Italian migrants,Iranians, Israelis, Palestinians...all of humanity.

This week I need to get it together and reinvigorate the Kayle who talks to strangers at will, decides what she wants and goes after it, who believes in herself and acts on that belief...

I'm ready for February vacation. It will be beneficial to go down South (Spain, Italy maybe the Cote d'Azur again...)I need to get my groove back.


Kinzie said...

Something that I admire about you is that even in your "complaining," you are proactive about it. I recently went through a very strong bout (which I have yet to write about on my blog) of ... depression? I don't know if that's the word you would use, and I'm certainly not one to self-diagnose, but there was certainly a very dark cloud hanging over me and it felt impossible to go out and do things, to clean my apartment, to latch on to any form of productivity. I felt desperate. And what did I do but turn to my mom - who told me that I need to take a deep breath, take a look at my diet (turns out I was very low in vitamin B which is one of the more homeopathic remedies for depression or sadness or what have you), and I needed to exercise.

I don't know if it was the power of suggestion, the placebo effect (do you listen to Radio Lab? I'm currently listening to a great podcast on the placebo effect), or if her remedies actually worked, but I began taking a vitamin, going swimming, etc. And I'm getting there - not perfect all the time, but I can feel myself getting out of the rut I was in.

I'm sending positive energy your way that you find little ways to pick yourself up every day, to get you through the very few weeks until February vacation. Try to find a place in Nantes that you haven't explored, or strike up a conversation with someone random in the Boulingerie. I hope things take a turn for you.

This comment is quite long winded and I don't know how much will actually help you, but maybe it helps to know that you're not alone? Smiles and happiness headed your way.

Ms Sula said...

Glad to have found your blog! This is Sula from VSB.com!

I will be following your adventures in France. How long are you going to be there for?

J'espere que tu finiras par t'y faire... A combien de temps es tu de Nantes?

Ok, just wanted to drop by and say hi!