Pangea

I have a shirt at home, Stateside , that says "Pangea: breaking up is hard to do"
It's one of my favourites.
Speaking of Pangea, Julien and I broke up Sunday and I couldn't be more relieved.
I won't recount all the nuisances and stress he put me through in the last weeks, but suffice it to say, I'm not sad.
I have ,however,decided that I'm through with Frenchmen.
Poor decision possibly since I'm here until at least April( maybe May, September at the latest...)

Wait, say What? Monday

Oh what a day!
Basically everyone was crazy acting at the lycee.
To begin.
There's one teacher, who is usually really cool to me. Always speaks to me whether in English or French. He's always eager to speak English which makes me happy,and helps me with my French. He has great curly black hair, is always smiling and makes for a fun lunch room when the other French teachers ignore me or speak too fast.
So today,after lunch, he gets the brilliant idea to play ping pong on a table.Without a net. So we commence to play and have the most fun and some of the teachers were jealous.
Fast forward 2 hours to another break in the day when he decides to teach me Pétanque.
With tennis and ping pong balls.
It was a lot of fun. I wasn't too shabby. Then in the mdist of our fun walks a youngish teacher who looks full of mischief. Fun Friend says "she is the cause of many problems for me" in English. I took it as a joke, and it was.Every time he began his roll, she kicked or threw his tennis balls. A chase ensued ending with another teacher picking up this waif of a woman and my friend tickling her.
After that I walked over to the announcement board and noticed a sign for a holiday gathering. One of the teachers explained that I was more than invited and I said I'd see. (gotta keep 'em guessing). Before hand, one of the professors will open her flat up for drinks before the meal (aperetifs).
"My flat is small though,but everyone is more than welcome"
The English teacher I work with warns me "These teachers are crazy,especially when they're drunk"
My Fun Friend (MFF)says "Her flat might be small,but she has a big bed."
Me: *Blank expression* then I burst out laughing.
MFF continues:"Yes,there's room enough for all the professors, you should have seen it..."
Me: Oh yea?
Then I laugh myself away from the situation.

Fastforward to class:
Background: In the words of Chalie Boy probably not the finest, probably not the finest, but then again I might be depending on your bias" The pupils at my lycee have decided that I am the object of their adolescent desire. Not because I'm hot,awesome, intelligent, etc.but simply I think because I'm a young, new female.

Back to class.
I had one of my favourite classes and they didn't disappoint me. We started off talking about Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day and I shared about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa in addition to Christmas. Great, awesome.
All the while, they're chatting, making silly comments in English and French. I probably let a few "Oh my goshes" or "Oh my G**s" slip.They were being outrageous, but in English.
One of my students, Pierre Henri(who is a true player for real) asked me about liking bananas (a not so subtle inneundo for male anatomy) but I didn't understand why...He then rambles in Franglais about "god" and I tell him the translation (Dieu=God) and then all of the precious lambs laugh at my expense and begin to explain that in French slang "gode" is the same as "un banane" which is the same as a ...yea
so everytime I would say "Oh G**" they got a kick out of it.
Pierre Henri then says in English (so I couldn't be mad) "Oh madame, it's getting hot in here...shall we open a window?
I tried not to laugh.And failed.I might have blushed.
Then we played "Never have I ever"-good for getting them to talk. Pierre Henri and his besties decided the slips of paper I gave them must have been for their numbers.So they gave me their numbers for my use, I suppose.
It was quite the day. But I'm glad of it. In the words of Ice Cube "Today was a good day..."

This is the way I live...

So, I thought I should update.
The weather was damn near perfect today for December. It was sunny and 13 degrees and I seized the opportunity to go walking. Each time I walk to the beach regardless of clouds, or what, I feel overwhelmed with thanks that I get to live by the ocean.
There's something cleansing, healthy and even cathartic about smelling ,seeing and being at the ocean. I think it's because it makes the distance seem shorter between me and my loved ones Stateside.
I was overcome with thanks and happiness seeing everyone and their mum walking along the Remblai enjoying the sun that graced us for far longer than it has in the past month or so.

I love being a Sablaise!

Dimanche Update

So, it's another grey day in Les Sables d'Olonne.
I'm not sad though. I've decided to accept it,even if I can't embrace it yet. (What good does it do me to be pissed off because of the rain when it rains tout les freakin' temps here?) I've also decided to stop letting myself associate the rain with sadness.
Stateside I love rainstorms. Especially the loud, powerful ones that grace Oklahoma, Nebraska and Texas. The rain here is timid,but consistent. I can learn to love it.
I'm currently in bed,nice and warm listening to country music.
There's something about listening to George Strait, Tim McGraw, Martina Mcbride, Reba and of course Johnny Cash that makes me feel reassured about my place in the world,even if I don't know it yet. I'm thankful that I grew up with a diverse music background when I was little. Some of my friends thought it odd that I know the lyrics to most Strait songs, or turn to Tim McGraw when I need to be reminded of home,but it is what it is.

I've been listening to French music too though, and especially dig M.

Last night my responsable, Nathalie,and I went out for dinner. It was really nice. We spoke in French the entire time and I had an ephiphany-I don't speak French all that terribly. I tell people don't speak it so that they aren't disappointed,but en fait I can carry on a 3 hour conversation about my anxiety about my future, my odd relationship, my homesickness, my political views etc... I should give myself more credit in the French speaking area...although there's still tons of room for improvement.

This week will consist of holiday lessons at the lycee. I've decided to drop some knowledge on these kids by talking about Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. (Holidays that I celebrate in some manner each year) I'm excited.

Oh and last. On my Samedi agenda was planning my future, ambitious, but did I do...Yea Buddy! Cuz I'm rolling like a big shot :)

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

So I've hit the doldrums part of my stay here...A lot of assistants seem to be hitting it too...which is not great, I'd prefer for them to be happy,but misery does love company, or at least enjoys knowing she's not alone.
Haha
That's the main problem.Being away from my family and friends during the holiday season is hard. I knew it would be hard (and could be harder),but I don't enjoy feeling this melancholy.
On the flipside, regardless of my relationship status, I don't have to be alone for Christmas. I'm really fortunate to have great friends all over Europe who want me to spend it with their families...So I don't have to be physically alone, but emotionally alone is still a possibility...
Oh well, as the old ones say, "This too will pass"...and when it does, I know I'll wish for it again.

Thanksgiving:Global Remix Edition

So this weekend...was mixed.
Thanksgiving:Global Remix went well.My friend Kevin decided to do it up right and invite other lost assistants to L'Auberge Nantaise (his flat) and have a traditional(ish) Thanksgiving. I offered to co-host (partly because I'm me mum's daughter and love organising shindigs, also because I'm still the bossy 5 year old Kayle who wants things to go her way)
The weeks and days leading up to this feast were intense as it was unsure whether a turkey could be found, but Kevin's girlfriend found one...Best Girlfriend of the Year.
Anyway, it went really well.
Beforehand, I tried to get people to say what they were going to be, at least a category, but to little avail...Kev was a little stressed out,but it all turned out wonderfully.
Besides Americans, we had Brits, French, Spanish, Italians, Longhorns, Sooners, & Germans. It was like the UN,except probably more productive.
Kevin,killed his first tukey!(killed as in did a really good job on it, not the hunter type way) My friend Steven made a pumpkin pie from scratch and it brought tears to my eyes...yes I've been emotional lately,but this pie really was SOOOOOO delicious. I believe my exact quote was it tasted "like home in my mouth"-it did!
Bethany made a stuffing, and I don't even like stuffing,but it was lovely. Everyone brought something so delicious and food overflowed.
I made a tartiflette (a traditional Northern French potato, (smelly) cheese and bacon casserole) and it turned out a lot better than it should have...Everyone seemed to love it. Even the girl from the region where it's from said "it wasn't bad for a first attempt, it was pretty good". Coming from a French girl I took that as a whole compliment. There were probably about 40 people in the spacious,but, still French sized flat. No one cared. Alcohol, food and fun flowed and so did the love Sounds cheesey,but it's true. I was in my element and full of thanks...pumpkin pie, and sangria.
I think Kevin enjoyed his Thanksgiving/Birthday...I know I did.
I'm glad I had a family of sorts to celebrate Thanksgiving with. It's true as Proverbs says, better a friend near by, than a brother far away.
I have to remember each day how blessed I am to have friends literally everywhere on this great marble...and many more to meet.

I put on for my country

So, we Sablaise assistants have been trying to go out more often.
Often times we'll go to the flat of two of them and eat,drink and be merry.
Last night we gathered to have a real Spanish tortilla, chorizo,sangria et al.
It was delicious.
Two of Noli's students came, a nice,if odd couple. Like one of those instances of "How did she pull him" or "I guess she has a nice personality"
Admittedly shallow.
Anyway the kids were nice (if you're 20 and under in my book,you're a child. Like it or not,je m'en fiche. This means I'm not going to look at you in any type of romantic interest,and probably not at all) Anyway, the guy,Ben,was really cool (wearing the necessary horizontal striped shirt) the girl, was wearing black(per usual),but her uniform varied in the form of a smile. However,once we did the introduction thing she assumed I was English. Not a horrid thing,but simply not true.
I corrected her we moved on.
Sangria flowed.
Ben and I started talking about his desire to go to the States. And I instantly turned PR and talked about how great all 50 are. I acknowledged there were exceptions,but generally most international students who visit the States have pretty poisitive associations with Americans after that. Ben shared that Estelle didn't want to go she had a thing against Americans.
I asked her what she meant and she proceded to say all the usual stereotypes,but seemed to fixate on guns. I then explained (briefly) a history of the States and why the right to bare arms is seen as important and a gauranty of liberty then paralled it with the French revolution: each nation has things that are unappealing (some more than others).
Then I asked her if I was the first American she had met.
"Oui, mais non, Victoria!" "Yes, but no, Victoria"
Ben, replied, "No she was Canadian."
We all had a laugh at Canada's expense.
"And besides,you've met me,I'm American.I'm not stupid. I'm not fat and in fact I'm pretty awesome."
I don't know if she got that,but moral of the story: I put on for my country.

Today was a good day...

said in an Ice-Cube voice.
Minus the faux-hardness.
Gosh,today was lovely.
It started with my morning ritual which includes, for inquiring minds, reading from the book of Proverbs, a prayer and a stretch(dance) to Morning in Rio by Sergio Mendes. Then a cup of tea and breakfast.
All of the above helps me get my life right before greeting people. Not to say that it always insures a good day,but it usually does. (also gchatted it up with a best friend)
So, returned to the college(Middle School) after the break and I had a new class. I was a few seconds late because in my cubby (pigeon hole) were the class pictures we took the very first day. Haha, it was great.
Chantal, one of the sweet English teachers, was just in the middle of talking about her surprise when in walks ME. All the kids were so excited. It's a lovely feeling to think that you're a pleasant surprise for someone. Anyway, they asked me rudimentary questions and I gave them a brief overview of the land that I love. (No, not Israel this time, America)
After that class I was done.
Earlier that morning, I received an e-mail from Nathalie, my responsable or contact person asking me to present a lesson on Guy Fawkes and Thanksgiving...so I did that for an hour and then prepared to catch the bus...at 10h40.
The only problem is, it came at 10h38. I was a little annoyed,but not really,because it was my fault, so I was just going to go back in the school, at that moment....HERE COMES THE BUS. Haha, I was so thankful. Had I been waiting out there for the late bus, I would have been mad,but today his tardiness was my blessing. I flagged him down and he stopped.
Score and a half!
Then I went home, walked in the beautiful weather (maybe 60 degrees, slightly chilly,but beautiful) came home and chilled to the next episode...lycee at 13h30.
I wanted to show a PowerPoint of my life in the States,but the file was too big,so I had to adlib for 50 minutes and ended up trying to coax the dear ones to speak to me...to little avail.
Then I had two hours and determined that the next class WOULD speak to me. I saved my powerpoint to a jump drive and was so krunk to show them a little bit more about me.
First we began with discussing their vacations. I was thankful they spoke,so I tried to overlook when they discussed having sex with their girlfriends...a fact I couldn't care less about.But my PowerPoint...
If I said they were interested,that would be an understatement. They loved the pictures of my family.(Just a normal African-American family replete with goofy brother, adorable beyond sense baby sister, and two other great sisters and two AMAZING parents) then I showed them pictures of my extended family:my friends. And they flipped their lids. The responses "Ah Putain! "(Which is actually like dropping the eph bomb,but since the French do it so often it's more like damn!) This got them discussing the beautiful girls in the U.S.A. and led to suggestions that my friends visit...Success!
I was also pretty proud because they got interested in my pictures of the States,especially of D.C.and I got to talk about the city I love and the constitution.(I love reading the constitution. I carry a copy on my person at all times and believe in it.In fact, while visiting Bordeaux I was reading the Declaration of Independence and just burst out smiling...I couldn't help it. )
A great class session despite the fact that I know that these students were buzzed at least a little.
How do I know?Because when I left for my two-hour break I asked them where they were going and they answered to drink.When I returned, like an hour and 45 minutes later they were in the park by the school sippin' on some stuff...
One reason I believe that French students get too many breaks during the day...
So,as I sip my soup,listen to John Mayer and reflect on my day...today was a good day.

Eye know you want me...

So...
there is a situation at work.
Background:
1)I like guys with lovely, longish hair.(My friends call it Jesus hair, I just call it lovely.)
When I got to the lycee (high school) where I teach, the first day I noticed a guy who works there with lovely, wavy brown hair and tanned skin. Natural tan, none of this I'm a guy who tans mess.
Anyway, problem is, that most of his countrymen, he looks me in the eyes.
What's the problem? One might ask.
The problem is that I make eye contact when I speak to people or see them and the result is the awkward, tension filled eye lovemaking session that usually annoys me,but in this case makes me feel some kind of way.(Usually when French people look at me all in the face, I get annoyed, or when it's men, I feel violated.)
The problem is that a) I have a boyfriend (not much of a boyfriend,but he's the only one I got dah dah dah dah)b)-x) See a) z)he's old. Not 40, but maybe 27-35 range, which is too old...
It's still kind of fun to catch someone's eye and hold it for a few minutes, I just hope the situation stays where it is and doesn't heat up.

Overview

So, I'm going to try to be faithful to this blogging thing since I now have steady(expensive) access to the internet chez moi(at my place).
Recap: I've been here, in France, since Sept.16th, I've been in Les Sables since October 28th. In a lot of ways it seems like I've been here forever and I only have a few months let,other times it's like I've been here only a few days...So it goes.
We had a vacation for La Toussant and as French as it sounds, I feel like it wasn't long enough. Returning to work was hard,but more on that later...
For the break I went down to Bordeaux, my second home, and visited my boyfriend (NOTE: I didn't know said individual was for sure my boyfriend until he asked me if I had kissed the French I was dating, meaning him) I spent a glorious week doing nothing:reading, meeting friends, drinking coffee or wine or beer as the occasion called for it, it was lovely. Ended way too soon,but I'll be back down there for Christmas break.Then I went to Nantes (my third home? or maybe second since I go there more often) to visit Celine, ma OU Cousine. We have too much fun whenever we're together...which is about every 2 weeks(literally)without fail.
The thing is Les Sables is lovely, it's a good town for walking and such,but it's petite.There aren't many young adults from what the other 4 assistants and I have seen and yea...but it's all good. When(and if) I start studying for the GRE (or LSAT) it will be beneficial...
Anyway, so last weekend was crazy. I dressed up as an OU football player (complete with black stuff under the eye) and my #28 jersey.I did a)drink an obnoxious amount and mixture of things b)take a (really pretty Blue Sapphire)glass from a rock bar that we went to c)take some English guys chips (fries) that he offered d) a lot of other crazy,mostly legal things.
The problem is, I feel like I'm on the edge of being too old for these things...



Nah :)

Finally here...

So...I am finally here in Les Sables d'Olonne/Olonne-sur-Mer/Chateau d'Olonne...
En fait, I'm working in 2 towns and living in the 3rd. I think they all need to incorporate and have one name, but who I am to tell the French to be logical? Haha.
It was really hard the first day.
For a lot of reasons. One: I went from non stop contact with my lover for like a week and a half so I knew that saying good-bye would be hard.
But it wasn't as bad as I thought.
What was bad, was when I walked him out to his car ,said good bye without tears and then returned to my empty apartment and bawled like a baby. It was a healthy cry though. I needed it to cleanse all the crazy overwhelmed feelings that I had.
That night I cried a little more,but took solace in the fact that weeping may endure for a night,but joy comes in the morning.Everything looks better in the morning.Including the beautful little towns I happen to reside in now.
I went down to the beach and instantly began feeling the difference between the good Bordelais (people of Bordeaux) and the Sablaise. People who live by the beach or maybe any body of water generally seem to be happy. And I don't see why they shouldn't.
I live like 15 minutes from the beach and get to be kissed by the sun and sweet talked to by the waves. It's a pretty nice place to post up in post-undergrad. Another difference?
People here take their lunch hour SO seriously.
I went to an internet cafe and failed to notice they closed at 12h...and didn't open again until 15h00...that's a good 3 hours. Most shops however seem to be industrious and reopen at 14h or 14h30...
The ladies at my school, well the college, seem to be really sweet.
The lycee is kind of too perfect looking. It's new and wooden and smells like they just stopped painting...It's like a French Steppford Wives-esue type of school...I'm keeping a positive mindset about all of this though.
My apartment is spacious and really rather nice. (Not as homey as the flat in Bordeaux, but as Nick says "You can't repeat the past)
I'm excited to see what this time here will bring and hopefully the clarity because I should probably decide what's next.
But I don't have to right now.
Right now all I have to do is finish this cafe and go exploring Les Sables...
until next time...

Laissez-Faire

Bleh,
I can feel it starting already, the whole laissez-faire attitude upon me. More like me putting on a sweater I wasn't too fond of the first time and realising it's a great look.
My mom keeps trying to make me excited or concerned about packing and leaving to no avail.
She's worried about my housing situation. I probably should be, mais, c'est pas grave, it's not serious.
I called my contact person who acknowledged receiving my e-mails (2) but not responding back to them because she has to call someone else to see if they do in fact have room for me at the place they say they do... I couldn't help but laugh as she explained the situation. A pre-Spring 2008 Kayle would have been annoyed, and frustrated. This Kayle is cool with it.
I think I'm better, if only a little, prepared to deal with the uncertainty because I know the bag of tricks the French are dealing with and I'm cool with it.
P.S. One thing I am actually concerned about: the exchange rate! It's still a lot better than 1.60+ spring before last, but I'd still not to be an impoverished person for the first 6 weeks.

physically 6 days away from France, but like 9 days away from prepared :/

I'm starting to freak out un peu (a little).
I have 6 days until departure, but need like 9 days to get ready.
I just got back from Norman and some of the best 6 days of my life with best friends/sisters. It was beautiful, crazy, but now it gets real.
I leave for France in 6 days and it hit me hard this morning.
Anyway, there's a lot I need to do such as:
*buy a ticket from Paris to Bordeaux to see Cerulean
*figure out if my housing at the lycee (high school) is free like it's been rumored to be. (I've tried e-mailing like two times, I'm hoping waking up at 6am to call over there will prove more productive...I'm not going to hold my breath though.)
*figure out a decently cheap way to get to Florence, Italy to see a very good friend ( I hope this works out)
All that on top of cleaning up, packing and dealing emotionally with leaving...
I am so very excited to see Cerulean again, although I don't know what's to become of that, but I'm hopeful and not terribly concerned right now.

Some time in the near future I'll explain the long and winding road that brought me back to France, but for now, time for more planning and plotting.

So today is my last day at work, and that is a good thing indeed, because people were trying to make me tell them a/b themselves...
I have 25 days until I leave...and just a few days until i get 4 teeth knocked out my head.
One friend said it will diminish my ability to French kiss when I arrive in France "and that's a good thing ", he says. Then he makes a comment a/b me prancing around in bikinis when I arrive in Les Sables and I tried to feign modesty and said "no" He then asked if I had gotten fat. I gave him an emphatic "no" and then had to reflect, is getting fat the worst that could happen?
Nope!
But it's not for me!

Love and Happiness?

This summer is flying by.
I don't know where it's gone. I'm not complaining I'm just saying.

It's really weird but I've been thinking about marriage and such a lot. I say that I don't want to or am not terribly keen on it often,but in reality, it's a beautiful thing. I can only pray that one day I'll find someone who loves me at the same time that I love them and then we choose to live together forever.
However there are so many scary things about it.
This lady came in today, an older woman, and I said hi to her per usual. She was sending off a vintage golf bag to her grandson. It was her husband's. Her husband who has been deceased for a decade. She said sending the golf bag was still one of the hardest things she's ever had to do,even after 10 years of not having him around.
Her round, kind eyes teared up and I wanted to give her a hug,but didn't.
I didn't know what to say as the only heartbreak I've encountered was trite compared to losing the love of one's life, confirmed through their commitment and her continued love.
She took comfort in her 5 children and 15 grandchildren,but still missed the man that made them all possible.
It struck me how beautiful that type of commitment is, but also how colossally it would suck to live your whole life wondering if you would be loved, finally finding it/accepting it and then losing it.
Even watching How I Met Your Mother has me all pensive. Lily and Marshall?Too precious and wonderful.
I can only hope...

So much to think about.

Arrete Arrived

J-64
T-64
After months of waiting, I finally received my "Arrete de nomination" this is the document that tells the Consulate in Chi-town that I'm legit and brings me that much closer to going back.
I was so thankful to receive it today.
Last Friday, I had a really big hopeful feeling that I would receive it in the mail. Instead I received the bras that I ordered in the mail.
Something from France, however, did not come.
But today at work I come from the back room to see my mum in a cute yellow top and she looks regular.
She steps up to the counter and is like "I believe I have to mail to this to Nantes", she handed me my arrete and i nearly jumped over and hugged her. Instead I ran from behind the counter.
In retrospect, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with French government at times. Even though many and most administrators are slow I keep hoping they change. They don't.
But then they perform a small gesture, like they're trying to get better, and I rethink leaving them...
It's kind of a shame.

This little document makes it seem real.
I have schools that I'm assigned to and a city where I'm supposed to live. (a Beach city, that being said, not sure if I'll live there or not...on verra)
Now I get to plan on going to Chicago which I'm kind of stoked for and maybe NY, NY to visit that crazy Aussi.

This ish just got real.

A lesson before dying...

So this older gentleman and his wife came in yesterday.He looked like a picture of health:naturally tan skin, beautiful grey hair, and straight, bright teeth. He looked like several pilots I've seen in my life. His wife was slim and silent,but content looking.
He shipped his package and somewhere in the course of a few minutes slipped in that he was a cancer patient and a former pilot.
I was taken aback and instantly thought of Prof. Randy Paush of Last Lecture fame.
The gentleman then shared a little red book that he had written full of his thoughts on life and what's important.
I had to fight back tears when he shared that he and his wife had been married for 42 years.
Anyway, a constant theme I read in books by people close to death is perspective.
Mr. Tobias, Randy Pausch and others reiterate the importance of figuring out what's significant and living life accordingly. It's such a great reminder, even if sobering, that life is not only so short, but not gauranteed for very long. Why waste time being unhappy when you can be? Why waste time doing stuff you don't want to (within reason) when you can live the live you imagine, instead of imagining it?
Futhermore knowing how precious life is what do I look like caring about stupid stuff?
Raggedy.
I try to do that,but I know I could do a better job. The most important things to me right now are *enjoying my time with my awesome family before I leave for France *keeping in touch with the people I love (not trying to, but doing it)*enjoying my summer as much as I can.*trying to get through my epic book and movie list*continuing my writing
Making beaucoup money is not on there.My parents are kind of annoying me suggesting, with the best of intentions, that I work like a slave in Texas prior to Juneteenth so that I have money when i get to France. But I know that I lived on a lot lot less when I was in Bordeaux and so know that I can live within and even beneath my means.
I really just want to be happy and am naive enough to think that I can do so without a lot of extra things in my life.
Except for my books :)

Kinky Gazpacho...get into this

So I've been reading like a fiend this summer. It's a relatively cheap pleasure that yields such rich returns. I'm currently on a Kundera kick and pondering the great mysteries of life such as the nature of love and individuality and whether either can be understood. In fact if any human can be understood because we all speak different languages, symbolic languages that is.
I'm pretty excited about re-reading Kinky Gazpacho. This memoir is a beautiful story of a woman who reminds me of myself in someways. (That's not why it's beautiful though) It's about her learning the steps to dancing between two cultures: American and Spanish and somewhere finding her nirvana. There aren't many novels about African-American women travelling the world, yet there are so many who do, and whose stories could fill volumes of tomes. It's interesting to read about the Lori's experiences in Spain and compare them to my own in France. Hopefully, one day I'll add to this literary dialogue, but until then I can re-read and encourage y'all(who ever is reading this) to read it. To sum it up in a sentence? It's like Eat, Pray, Love (also one of my favourites) without as much whining and more flavor.
I lent it to a very dear friend who is actually studying in Spain this summer and I can't wait for her to come home, not only because I miss her, but because I'm going to re-read this book...actually I'll just buy it in paperback :)

Jesus be the end of the day!

I started this morning at 2h00 because of a really horrid bad dream.I laid in bed fitfully until 7h30ish when I had to go for (30 min.of)training at job #2.
It's not 17h51 and I want nothing more than to go through a time warp and have it be Sept.3 when I'll see my four closest best friends my Oklahomies per se.
...I don't know if I can do this summer with two jobs. I'm already rather exhausted and looking raggedy.
I don't like worrying about money and agree with my friend D Mack that the world would be better if we didn't use it. I know it's my responsibility to take care of myself because I'm an "adult" but it's not so much fun.
Haha.
Ben Folds nailed it when he said"everybody knows it sucks to grow up"...

How the hell?

How the hell is one out and about after attempting to kidnap members of the Federal Reserve Board?
How the hell does that happen?
It shouldn't have. It's the mixed blessing bag of tricks we have in the First Amendment that allows people to say(write, publish) almost anything. Within reason. I'm not for the limiting of speech. But hate speech followed or preceded by violence ceases to be speech.
What disgusts me even more than this glaring lack of sense on the part of our judicial system is the fact that this man's dedication to hate did not disspate as he got older.
You are old go sit the f*ck down and wait to die and meet your maker.
I've never understood hating another group for something as arbitrary as race, gender, sexual orientation, or even religion (granted you can change that, but a lot goes into it).
It's disgusting.
But even in this tragedy, there is beauty. The security guard murdered was African-American. Perhaps it's too soon to memorialise him as a symbol of diversity, honor and goodness, but I'm going to. I think there's something in the message of his death and it's up to sane, decent people to reiterate throughout their lives by doing the right thing:judging and dealing with humans as individuals instead of as ideas.

So family vacation was (surprisingly) great. I say "surprisingly" because to be honest, I wasn't sure how an 8+ hour drive with the six other members of my family would be. However, it was beautiful.
I think I appreciated even more because this is one of the last times for the foreseeable future that my family is going to be together, all together. Ken is going to Virginia for school, I'm going to France for who knows how long, and our family is changing...It's crazy.

T-110

110 days until I leave.I'm really excited/am trying not to be because that's still a long way away.
110 days...I still must get my visa made in Chi-town, save way more money and basically get my life right in general.
I've tried to explain to people that going to France is a way of running away. I didn't want to go to grad.school right away or be employed full-time(not that this economy would have given me much of a choice) and I did want to go back to La France. I haven't given much thought to what comes next, because what comes isn't even here,but I am thinking law school either in the States or Europe. Or a Master's in Europe, then international law here, je sais pas. I have been feeling law school more after earning my A in Int'l Law.Although frustrating, I really enjoyed it and it would be a great way to justify living abroad when I become a real adult.
Fortunately, I have at least a year(maybe more? sais pas) to decided and see what I want.

Random topic change:
I love the internets and technology! I called one of my best friends in Espana (though the connection was kind of smeh) yesterday, got to chat briefly today and also called the Frenchie yesterday too. I got the answering machine because he was probably at work...
I don't know about him.
I'm trying to balance my hope for a continuation of what we had with the realisation it might not be...it might be childish,but I don't particularly care.
I am a fierce optimist though, so it's hard. Like when people say "Travel now because this is the only time in your life you'll be able to..." I struggle with indignation and disgust. Who is to say I can't do what I want? I know it will come at a price,but that will be up to me to decide...
That's all for now...
I had an interview for a second job this morning. If I get that, I will be ballin' as the kids like to say. Except not.
I don't know how I will do it,but I know it will be worth it.

Purgatory, NE

Whoa, so now I'm an alumna of the University of Okla.
So much happened between last post and this one. Primarily great experiences with my friends.
As of Monday all 5 of us are in different locales. It's exciting on one hand and a little bit like rushing into the future. Madame P. is in Israel, Ms. Mack is in Espana and I'm not jealous,I'm so happy for them, I just wish I was somewhere else as well...and I know in a few months I will be, I just hate waiting.

So what does a college graduate do?
Come back to work for the summer.
Here's the thing about me, I don't enjoy working retail. I used to think I didn't like working at all, but in reality, I enjoy work that either a) I want to do b) I find to be important or beneficial. This work this summer are the means for my end(well, beginning).
I'm content with working like this because I know it's a step along the way to my next destination: France.
I hate just existing and waiting to live my life, but that's what I'm kind of doing right now.
Just stacking my paper so I can have stacks on deck and also reading a lot.

Moments of relative boredom are good methinks. I have no idea what I'll be facing in France and it's probably best that I have a down summer before facing it.

Overjoyed...

Disclaimer:
I know it's silly. I acknowledge that is, to a certain extent embrace it and carry it with me.

I've been out of sorts lately, just doing a lot of thinking( in our reading discussion group we've talked so often about whether being aware of the complexities or futilities of life makes it impossible to be happy...I think so, but that's a post for another day.)
Anyway, I was in a bit of a bad mood and just hoping against hope that I would receive a letter from him.
I don't know why I said it was against hope,but it didn't seem likely to happen. I mean seriously how often does one will the Universe or implore God to do something and then it happens.
Not often, at least for me. Granted, I try not to make too many reuests...
Anyway, just as I was leaving the Union I changed my status to something slightly emo claiming that "one thing would make this week better, something very simple, just a little letter"
I went to the mailbox and there was nothing.
I resigned myself to the fact that today wouldn't be the day,but then I walked into the house to discover a package-the poetry anthology he had created.
I was overjoyed and almost started crying. I teared up.
It wasn't only a gift from him, but from God and life itself.
It was without a doubt the most beautiful thing to have happened today.
Thank you!

Never a right time to say good-bye?

When I was a day camp counselor, we were told, rather counter-intuitively I thought, to end a game at the moment that the children were having the most fun.
Despite my initial qualms with this approach, it makes sense-leave them with good memories and wanting more... At times I feel like I'm in the middle of my favourite game, or at least the most familiar and it's about to end. I know it's about to end. I don't want it to, to a certain extent, because besides my brave persona I'm a little afraid, because while I know the schedule, I don't really know the rules of this next game...
Last night I sat on my deck with a friend in every meaning of the word drinking a bottle of wine, looking up at the stars, listening to Amos Lee and enjoying each other's company through conversation and argument. We discussed the desire to leave a situation when one feels good about the outcome, the impact and accomplishments instead of staying or coming back for more and then being faced with the possibility of leaving and wishing one had done more the second time around or so.
I share those thoughts from time to time,had I had more time I would have...done any number of things, but who knows what I would have missed out on? All in all I'm thankful for my past four years. The hard part for me are the melancholy and pensiveness that come to visit me in company with the inevitable good byes.
I'm horrid at good-byes, yet my life thus so far has been full of them. Living in seven different states, one other country makes good-bye a necessity. The fact that I have been happiest in new environments means that many more are to come...I wish that I had learned the steps of this dance better by now.
I cried when the family drove West on I-10 not wanting to face the unknown known as Texas.
I cried when the plane took off from JFK.
When I left Bordeaux I bawled as if my heart was being slowly unseamed from within my chest.
It wasn't in all reality. Only a small part of it was left there, as is normal for me.
When I went through a break up last year,I cried all the tears from through out the ages, I thought. But almost a year removed, looking back, I see that specific good bye as being necessary. What's scary is how a little more removed from the pain, I can understand him more than I ever could when we were together and even feel the faintest of all desires to want to thank him for the experience.
And now, I am once again at a rupture, a fault line, an end of a paragraph.
Like any journey, not everyone or everything will make it to the next leg of the journey.
It will hurt. Each time I accept a good bye for what it is, it will hurt, because that is who I am. The only thing that I know will definitely travel with me is this rosary of sorts.
I will always connect that sadness with sadness to come. I will string the new good byes to come with his and use them as a medium for my prayer, a rosary of tears ,but also of smiles and hope for more hellos.

Sometimes you can't hold on and sometimes there is not only a right time to say good bye,but a rightness in understanding, accepting, against one's, my, lesser inclinations that you can't control the world,the music, but only your steps in it.

Knocks you Down

I really like this Keri Hilson song:Knock You Down
It's so like real life...

Ces Soirees La...

Gosh,
less than a month until graduation and I'm having the most fun!
My friend came up Friday night before he deploys to Irak.
I was really frustrated with him for not giving me more notice,but I should have been mindful of how quickly things change in their profession.
Anyway, after watching Revolutionary Road (ridiculous movie) my friends and I went to say hi to him and his crew, 4 really cool guys. I got to talk to one of them, Lee we'll call him, and he's 29 and this will be his 4th tour. Just a really sweet, interesting guy. He looked a lot younger than his age. And so did the other guys. It takes a special type of person to want to serve like these guys are about to. Multiple tours and just so kind. They really made an impact on me. Moreso than that, it makes me remember we're still in a war(two) with Nick going over I was cognizant of it,but now with the addition of these new friends, it's even more real...
I'm really glad that I got to meet them. The only downside is having more people to worry about and pray about while they're over there.
It never ceases to amaze me how people enter into life and either stay or go-the thing is one, well, I can't at least tell which people are going to be which...
Anyway, after several shots of Patron and my specialty drink I went to bed at 2 and woke up like a boss to volunteer for Big Event. I struggled under my blanket against the selfish side and the better nature and the latter won out. The group I went with went to a homeless shelter, more like a halfway house and cleaned out some rooms. We worked hard and efficiently and finished early so we didn't feel like we helped that much,but the director said we did. So I was happy. I was also extremely thankful, because as the song says "It could've been me..."
I felt fulfilled and pleased with myself for going.
Then I came home *tried(not very hard) to work on my Capstone paper and instead was convinced to go to the poolside and kick it with Ryan ,Nick and our new friends.
Yes, please.
Later, dipped by Paz's birthday party and had too much fun at 7.
Woke up this morning, went to church had a DELICIOUS meal, and then went to see the Harlem Renaissance exhibit before it leaves...

As the song says, "today was a good day"

Ready to be gone

*I've been having dreams about being kidnapped and there disconcerting. The first one I woke up terrified, l'autre was simply odd. I researched to see what they could mean and either:

To dream that you are being kidnapped, denotes feelings of being trapped and restricted. Someone or some situation may be diverting your� concentration and your attention away from your goals.

or
I am experiencing change in your environment. Loss of independence and freedom. Fear to assume responsibilities.

or
Any other possible outstanding issues that my mind feels better equipped to deal with while asleep rather than while awake and fully functioning.

I don't know.
I do feel a suffocating, trapped feeling as I'm not able to do what I want to right now, which is be in France already.
I am about to go through a big change, and will lose some independence and freedom once I move home...and in a way going to France is a way to not assume responsibilities as interpreted by mainstream Middle America...

I just can't wait to go.
And I don't leave until September :/ I've already begun looking up flights...It looks like Aer Lingus or Icelandair with a stopover in Rekyavek!...

The Long and Winding Road...

So I wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon.
I said to myself, methinks it's time for an epic nap. So nap I did.
I went to sleep at 3h3oish intending to wake up and being productive(,but knowing the possibility of it not happening.)
At 7 I finally wake up, feeling slightly better and go to check my e-mail.
I see a subject line reading:
Acceptance into the French Teaching Assistantship Program 2009-2010
The letter continued:
Congratulations! We are very pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the French Teaching Assistantship Program for the 2009-2010 academic year, sponsored by the French Ministry of Education...
I read it overwhelmed.
Not only was I not expecting that after waking up from a nap,but I wasn't expecting to hear back so soon. They said they would notify us in May. Which is next month.
Furthermore, this almost didn't happen.
I missed the first deadline to apply. I was supposed to get a physical but was unable to at home over the break before I came back for the semester because of insurance issues. I was really sad,but didn't really think of it. I thought I'd be able to go Goddard and get a physical and still meet the deadline,but alas when I returned there was a flood and so they were backed up on appointments and so weren't able to schedule me in before the deadline.
At that time, I admit, I assumed it wasn't going to happen and I set my heart to finding another way to get back to France.
Then a miracle happened/French culture stepped in/divine providence:
I chatted with an acuaintance I rarely talked to and learned that she applied, after the fact to the assistantship program after having sent an e-mail to see if the deadline was a real deadline or a suggestion.
I did the same and found out it was the latter.
I know that God works all things out. And although I have no idea, very little idea to expect, I am thankful for the opportunity to live out my dream. It's beautiful because our Pastor has been talking about dreams and how they are gifts...We shall see.
I am so thankful and happy and blessed and all that.

What makes me even happier is that so many people are happy for me. I love celebrating other people's successes and happiness and it warms my heart that people care about me enough to share in mine.

The only thing is that i told mon cher and I didn't get the response I was hoping for. It really doesn't mean anything except I was a little sad. Granted what I would have loved is not his personality, so i should calm down...

Poisson d'Avril!

SO I woke up this morning earlier than I thought I would. I went to bed later than I have been(00h45) and just knew I was going to be exhausted,but once again I surprised myself.
I woke up at 7h00 and read my Bible portions and then checked my e-mail only to discover that gMail is once again killing the e-mail game.
First the unsend button(not perfect,but still cool)
Now, a program ,AutoPilot, that responds back to e-mails as I would based on the context of the e-mail? YES PLEASE!
Yes, I'm entirely too excited about it,but I love it.
Next I made poissons (fish) for Poisson d'Avril.
In France for April Fools they(primarily children haha) make paper fish and try to put them on people's backs. I love the idea. I wish it was tradition to eat copious amounts of Swedish fish :)
Anyway, last year at the Chateau d'Oklahoma we made so many fish and put them a lot of places. Including a giant shark type fish that resided in the bathroom along with a creepy(great) Christmas picture of Sufjan Stevens, I think.
It was great.
And it's only 8h46 :)

Across the Universe...

So yesterday I sent in my application for THE PR internship in Paris.
To say it would be a dream internship wouldn't be hyperbolic. It would be absolutely amazing.
I can't even wrap my head around how great it could be... and I honestly don't know my chances. I'm trying to dance the cautious optimism with the reality of the world. Everyone and their mum is looking for a job. I'm sure there are plenty of other students who would love this opportunity and thus the market for this internship is probably tight. My father reminded me that he's confident that I'm qualified and a great fit,but that there are two options, either I'm selected or not.
I know there's the "not" possibility,but it profits me nothing to dwell on that side. I've always considered myself an optimist and sometimes I'm disappointed,but more times than not, I'm pleasantly surprised. (so maybe that makes me a sometimes pessimist?)
I think in general I'd rather be disappointed every once in awhile than cynical for the majority of life.
My friend Vito just finished his Master's in Italy and decided and is moving to Brussels to find work there.
That's so brave to me. I wish him the best of luck and such...
Random:
This guy I've seen for the past 4 years introduced himself to me yesterday and asked me out for coffee.

Fitness Assessment

I have a fitness assessment today.
I did(really) well on the first one, but I still occasionally flashback to President's Fitness Challenges that irked me in elementary school.
One year we had an obese, masculine woman screaming at us to run faster, jump higher, etc. She implored us in the grand Olympian style and yet, walked slower than my grandmother who was suffering from lupus.
The next year, I had two great PE teachers, Ms. Kirkland and Ms. Cloutier. They were fit
Anyway, after spring break and eating fried everything over the break I realised that I wanted(felt the need) to get my body right.
While I was in Bordeaux even though I was eating my dear chocolatines and gelato and other bread everyday, I was also running several miles a day.
I need to get back to that. I was on fiyah or "fit" as the Brits liked to say.

Update:
I again did an 8:07 mile and 30 pushups in a minute which is better than 25 the first time.
New goal, style on myself and get it below 8:00. This is going to require discipline...

Or a huge gym coach yelling at me...

I am currently freaking the f out.
And I don't like it.
I was slapped in the face by reality when I re-realised that in 8 weeks I will be a graduate of OU and no longer have a set schedule/plan etc. Which is what I want. what I've worked for and now it's here and It's pretty bloody scary.
To cope with this I finished a box of thin mints as well as had a scoop of nutella.
I'm still freaking out.
I'm trying to remember my favourite verse, well one of, Jeremiah 29:11 about Him knowing the plans he has for me, plans to propser me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future,but I am legitimately shaken.
The calendar is now my enemy. I have TOO much stuff I need to and want to do before THE END.
I'm also reminded of Duffy's advice to chill the eph out, and I'm about to in the form of sleeping...hopefully I can sleep this off.

Stylin' and other thoughts...

*I'm sore. and glad of it.
I've recently begun rock climbing. Like yesterday, and I'm already addicted. I've wanted to for the past three years and finally decided to just do it yesterday. I'm alright so far, I didn't fall yesterday which is great and each time I took to the wall, I became a little less afraid of falling.
How applicable to life.
*I hope that I will retain that resiliency in all aspects of my life...speaking of resiliency.
It's been almost a year since the breaking and it's amazing to think about where I was emotionally and where I am now.
It's funny, because I'm starting to read over my notes , e-mails and journal entries from the beginning to the end of my time over there and the part where he was in it,at least in France, was crazy. So much self-doubt and confusion. Which some of that might have been healthy because I've never had a reason to doubt myself in that way, ever and a certain amount of self-analysis is beneficial and healthy,but I don't think towards the end it was at all and I wanted to hang on so long.Just the other day I was reading over an e-mail and thought "if only I had...perhaps I would have kept him".That's silly of course. You can't keep someone (anyone actually) but especially not one who doesn't want to be with you.
Oh but how I pray for him so often. I used to breathe prayers for him and now it's triggered. Baby steps.
*I've internalised that I am at my happiest when a)I'm around international friends or at an international event b)with my friends and family (don't get it twisted I LOVE my four closest friends and family but I LOVE being in new places and new experiences. That means I probably need to chunk up the deuce to these shores soon.
*It annoys me a lot when people make fun of my major. Each major program has its strengths and weaknesses and each college has it's attractions and drawbacks.It's easy for me because I'm good at it. I don't think that everyone can write well especially people that aren't creative.
*I'm a complex person. I'm easy-going, personable etc.,but I'm human. I wish people wouldn't try me...
That's all. Very random, but that's it.

I love you USPS!

I'm beaming right now.
I sent mon cher his birthday/Christmas gift last Monday(His birthday is tomorrow) and he's received it already! Usually I'm no big fan of the USPS because they take forever and there's no guarantee on when your package will get anywhere,but the one time I really wanted something to arrive ina timely manner, with no expectations of it actually doing so(see last post) IT DID!
I'm just so contente.
I'm sooo happy/thankful for some reason. Like I'm sitting in the library beaming because he received it and was happy and loved it.
I miss him a lot and it's always so good to talk to him.
The greatest thing is that he said just out of the blue while chatting on Facebook Chat "I miss our great conversations". That brought a smile to my whole body. That's a beautiful thing to miss...
We got on so well together it makes me wonder what would have happened had we had more time...je sais pas. I'm just incredibly thankful for him and all that he was and is.
I've always thought it was beautiful creating a smile in someone and feel very grateful that someone does that for me, even from across the Atlantic.

Today is a beautiful day and I'm in an incredibly thankful mood. I didn't go to church today,but I've been sending up praises to God all day because of how incredibly gorgeous it is.

In other news, Mexico is doing too much. No es bueno...

close your eyes and i'll kiss you,tomorrow i'll miss you...

All My Loving by the Beatles

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true

And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you

I'll pretend that I'm kissing
The lips that I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true

And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving, I will send to you
All my loving, darling I'll be true

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true

And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving, I will send to you
All my loving, darling I'll be true
All my loving, all my loving
Ooh, all my loving, I will send to you.

Mon cher's birthday is a week from tomorrow. I'm sending him his Noel/Anniversaire(Christmas/Birthday) gift tomorrow. It won't reach him time,but it's not time sensitive either.
We aren't together,but we keep in touch regularly. I'm actually surprised at how regularly we write letters. It's a lost art and he believes in it as much as I do.I think it's the French love of nostalgia...anyway he makes me smile and tries to make my French better. And I hope that I add some sort of happiness to his life too.
And I'm perfectly content with that.
I was thinking about the Beatles' "All My Lovin'" and heard a great rendition by Amy Winehouse. One of my favourite songs and one of my favourite singers. It, like Julien, brought a smile to me.

black like me

On Mardi Gras, I went out with my 4 closest friends.
Ladies drank free, which was more than alright with us. We talked, per usual, about the events and experiences that made up our day.
DM told about her lunch how she and a friend went to a like soul food restaurant , Somebody's Chicken and Waffles and her friend said she take one of her white friends there. She replied that she didn't have any white friends, but she would take me.
I laughed when she told me it.
I've never been considered black enough.
I went to predominately white schools and always blended in with the white kids.
I remember in 4th grade in New Jersey being called an Oreo and being really distraught before being really annoyed at the stupidity of
Only in college did I start heavily associating with black people. I got involved with BSA through meetings, participated in the MBOU pageant and was on exec.
It was a sort of culture shock being around so many people who looked like me, but in many cases had very different backgrounds and narratives than I had. That's one of the things I might miss a lot about leaving OU
It's whatever.
It's constantly on my mind how some people seem so fluid and can flow between cultures .I've always been thankful that I could be with other people and yet, keep myself. The only area that might be shaky in is my affinity for Jewish culture...
I can't help but think that the affinity that I have for other cultures is a gift from God. It's so random to be born in the United States of any given ethnicity,but to develop or foster a love for the unknown, in a sense to domesticate the unknown, so its not foreign, that's cool. I've recently picked up the memo that I've missed out on that Latin American cultures are beautiful and intriguing. I wish that I had been more actively involved with PanAm the last 4 years. I have until May 12 to make the most of it :)

And Yes, I'm mad

P.S. While I'm krunk thoughts:
WHY do people get mad when they are told to be quiet when they are being LOUD?
WHY do unexcellent people always talk about being excellent?
What gives someone with a negative IQ the negative idea that they can talk to positive me?
What gives a known whore room to talk to a wife? (metaphor for yourself.)
What is the drug that the masses are on? It's not religion?
Why are fools so audacious?

Pearls before Swine...

I've always heard the adage that "people get the government that they deserve". I've always believed it.
Tonight confirmed it...
Let's flashback.
While Sen. John S.McCain would have been okay as president, the American people needed someone who spoke hope into a hope deprived situation. Someone who was intelligent, vibrant, youthful, and hot i.e. President Barack H.Obama.
Things we, Americans, fancy ourselves to be or hope that we are, our better natures.
Had McCain won, I would have viewed our baser selves winning.

There are always winners and losers in any election and tonight was no different.
In the words of the snotty maitre d'(hotel) in Ferris Bueller: "I weep for the future".
That's all I will say about that for now.

Fortune favours the bold...

so the guy that i e-mailed, e-mailed me back.
that made me rather happy.
I assumed that he would,not in the presumptuous,"why wouldn't he way",but in a "there's no reason for him not to way".
I thought about today, twice, in an elevator and then in the library, I assume good things will happen. Most times they do. So I'm content and that's probably why I'm happy most of the time.
The problem comes in when things fall apart as Chinuwe said, then I'm disappointed. I still think I would rather be content most of the time than disappointed sometimes.
Score: 5011 for me 2 or so for Fear.
Some of the best experiences of my life have come from not being afraid or not being as afraid as maybe I should have been:
Duffy
David, quite the experience (take me higher, hold me closer)
Julien (BEST story to date)
Hippie lady who blessed me
Suedois...
and now this...
I've been told by some, even people who are close friends that I'm too forward. In discussions I've had with people about cultural differences (North v. South) this has come up too.
I don't think my assertiveness, forwardness or decisiveness has hindered me at all thus far.
If anything, it's insured my happiness by insuring that I'm creating my life and not letting it happen to me.
I also do a fairly good job or being pursued when it gets serious,but I see nothing wrong with being honest about my feelings.
And it's worked thus far ;)

Cupid Shuffle...

Valentine's Day came and went, and my life is no better nor any worse because of it.
It's really not all that serious.
If I was in a relationship I might have been more excited about the holiday,but I doubt it. Last year I was in Bordeaux and had just been told that someone needed space. I watched Chocolat and then La Mome with my roommates and I'm pretty sure nutella was involved.
We spent Valentine's Day ensemble in one of the most romantic cities in the world alone,but together. It matters who you're spending time with...
While I was walking today I thought about all the love that I could have celebrated yesterday...there's so much love in my world, I'm fortunate really to experience so much of it.
In particular my thoughts turned to Julien and the realisation that any part of my heart that is still open for occupancy or visitors is due entirely to him and to me allowing him in after damage had been done. It's like my heart and soul had gone through Katrina,but my friends and family were in Canada safe.
He was like FEMA, but less feckless, he actually came and rescued me.
I will forever be grateful to this kind, beautiful man.
Anyone who I end up marrying or dating seriously will have to send him a thank you card or gift or something...assuming that ever happens.

What the Eph Am I doing?

I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona yesterday and it hit me. Hard.
Like Chuck Norrised me in the chest, then Jack Bauered me for good measure.
The synopsis is two Americain women go over to Barca and fall in love in different ways and for different reasons with this beautiful man. Juan Antonio(Javier Bardem) who is from the beginning very honest with the two women. He tells them he's very attracted to both of them and invites them for a weekend. One chica is down (I kind of identified with her in some ways, yet I'm not as brave as her) and the other is like "Hold up", we don't know him etc.etc. All very valid points, but kind of irrelevant.
Anyway lots of points come up in the movie about desire, honesty, and love:
How often have you seen someone and been like Hot Damn! this happens to me freuently and usually I don't act on it. This is the "normal" way to live. But the great/interesting experiences have come when I've decided to not be "normal" and act on that initial feeling. Why don't I do it all the time? Because like Vicky, I'm afraid to act.
Afraid to act in relationships.
Afraid to act on sending my ficiton out into the world.
Afraid to do the things I really want to do every moment of the day.
Some amount of restraint is good and keeps me from being locked up, but the ability to live free and honest is so enticing to me.
So today I took a small step.
I sent an e-mail to a guy I met last semester.
I liked his hair. and his smile.
The worst case scenario? He doesn't respond. or he responds, I hate you. Go die.
Chances are this won't happen.
Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Or not.
But at least now I get the chance to figure out how this story ends?Or even if it does?
I don't know.
I think it's always better to know.
Even with the hurt. It's better to know.
SO from now, I'm going to do what I want to do. As long as it doesn't hurt anybody else.

Pleasant day

So, j'ai sechée tous mes cours aujourd'hui.
I skipped all of my (2) classes today and couldn't be happier.
I just had individual fitness and beginning guitar, so I think I'll be okay.
I had my physical so I can apply to go to France to be assistante and I felt bad because my medical history is pretty boring. Thankful, but bad. No broken bones, no surgeries, no allergies, not sexually active, not nothing.
Basically I could have done the physical by myself.
I spent a long time like 2.5 hours having lunch and café with this guy that I like un peu. Well more than un peu,but whatever and that was pleasant.

Random Thoughts

*So I'm not sure how I feel about this whole bailout business and it's wholly for selfish reasons. I don't understand or feel that it will help my father or my family. And yes, that is one of the most important things to me right now. I need to read the bill before I judge it,but I've gathered that it will be heavy on creating jobs in infrastructure and NOT HELPING KEEP COMPANIES FROM FIRING PEOPLE which is a big problem. Yes, I'm even more sensitive since my dad has been out of a job,but it's really a growing concern for many families across socio-economic backgrounds.
*I ran into a recurring problem again today. I saw a good-looking man in a wheelchair today. I've seen him before and want to tell him I think he's cute (I do things like that) or even just talk to him. But, I don't want him to think I'm doing it just because he's in a wheelchair...This has happened before. I saw a really good looking, kind looking guy at Reagan a year and a half ago I think and wanted to talk to him. But I didn't. He was in fatigues, just having returned from somewhere serving our country, and one of his legs was gone. I didn't want him to think I was just making conversation because he was without a leg, or in the military. I wish I had talked to him...

Je veux aller chex moi. I want to go home.

I want to go home.
When I became ill with the plague on Monday I knew I wanted to be in my Houston home with my family. But that is uite impossible,as we no longer live there. That's not even my family anymore.
Last night, when I woke up after a 5 hour "nap" at 00h30 and got pinched by discontent, I again wanted to go home.
Problem is, I don't know which home.
My family is in Nebraska. But they're also now in Oklahoma.
My homes, aren't just limited to seven different states I've lived in, they now include a little flat in Bordeaux. An even smaller place in Pessac. And even a a little country.
I haven't a clue where I really want to be. These moods come and go with me,but I fear that they will become even more freuent as my obligation to Oklahoma and in that sense, the States draws to an end.
What's to stop me from just leaving?
I don't know.
Family?
Not particularly, my family know how much I love them and how much that love has nothing to do with proximity.
Friends?
I love my friends.The ones I seriously consider to be friends. There are under 10 people that I would miss being able to communicate with as I do now.
Lover?
Nyet.
Animaux?
Non.
The only reason I want to get a job is so that I can give back to my parents because for far too long, I feel, I've been a burden on them.
I want to go home,but I know that I can't return to my high school home, the time for that has passed.
I said I don't know which home I want to go to,but that's not all the way true.
I do know...now I just need to find a way to make it happen. And marry that plan.

Forgive Me Father...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
I was a hater.
And content to be so.
I have a friend that I met my freshman year from France. A great kid, sweet, smart, wonderful, etc.
Except I wasted that year pining over an absolute arse. Absolute.
Friend liked me, showed interest, I shied away from that, crap about how I value our friendship or some other platitude.
Fast forward to visiting him and realising how swell he is.
Fast forward to him moving to an island and meeting a girl and being happy.
My probleme was that the girl is not cute. But more so than that, that that girl could have been me.
But nope.
So I hated on her and whatnot in my heart.
But then today I saw two new pictures posted of them and thought, "Aww they look so happy, maybe I shouldn't be so horrid."
Then I saw the caption for her whole album and it said, simply, "Tu(well, "il") me rends heureuse" He makes her happy.
And why should anyone hate on that.
I literally felt bad.
And this have recommitted to not talking about people or wishing for a past that didn't exist. I'm all for love and the thought that I would have disparaging remarks about someone my friend has chosen to invest energy and love in, is pretty horrid.
Sigh.
I'm only human,despite my best efforts.

Double Deuce

A year ago I was in Bordeaux celebrating my birthday with people I didn't know too well,but who would become very important and dear to my heart.
This year, I'm in Okla.on my friend's couch watching Anchorman.
I can honestly say that I'm happy and thankful for both situations.
Yesterday classes were cancelled today after 13h30 because of a crazy ice storm and we had no class today!
Score and a half as I used to say back in the day.
I spent the night at one of my closest friends house sippin' daiquiris fixin' to eat Shrimp Fettuchini. And she's just made me a cake that will have Nutella put on it...Last night I got to watch Jack wreck shop on people and yea...life is pretty good.
There are things that would make it better though:
*having my crush reciprocate...insert teenage "SIGH"
*figuring out what my future holds...(i.e. whether I find a job in D.C.(dream) or go back to France (dream) or great unknown...
*a HUGE jar of Nutella
*A better weather day
Other than that Viva la Vida!

What!!?!?!?!!?

*I don't understand why guys lie. This one guy who has liked me off and on for about 2.5 years has a Facebook status celebrating 2 years of growth and love with this girl who evidently he's been in a relationship with 2 years. But, yet and still he has professed his love for me over this time period.
That makes sense.
The great thing is that I never liked him.
The bad thing is,is that I listened to him sometimes.
Oh well, 2009 is a new year and he's so 2008.

Caught up

I've decided that as of 22, Janvier, 2009, I do not want to be caught.
That is to say that I do not want to be in a relationship. and maybe not even that, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is great and has cared for me for a long time(perhaps to long).
I feel like I dodged a bullet.
I was supposed to go visit said man and figure things out,but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I wasn't able to. (Chicks before...)
But it turned into a blessing. Because we went out and met the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person. Beautiful caramel skin. Gorgeous smile. And just all around lovely.
Later that night we went to an afterparty that was so much fun and I met another great guy. Charming.Soulful.Great.
And several things struck me. Had I gone to visit the guy I might have fooled myself into believing I liked him more than I do.
Had I gone to visit him, I wouldn't have been there for my friend or met those two guys.
Even if nothing beyond friendship happens, it's still worth it that I didn't go.
I wish I liked him. Because he's such a great guy,but the heart wants what it wants...who am I to tell my heart what to do. Even though it decided to break, give itself to undeserving people, etc...

Sofa King Happy

I am so happy.
As happy as at the beginning of a relationship when you consider every good thing that happens to be a direct consequence of the love in your life.
I felt that good today.
I'm in love with no one, but I was full of love and happiness today.
Why?
I don't know.
Maybe because: *January is my absolutely favourite month, bar none. * My birthday is fast approaching and I love birthdays *Barack is officially number 44 now * I got a ring pop today
*it was about 63 and absolutely beautiful. *I saw the most beautiful man I've ever seen again today* I didn't die last night* I had a Red Velvet Cupcake (so good!) *the lighting of the world was just right* I filed for graduation* I have beginning guitar* I love my body...there are SO many great things.
Things aren't perfect,but I feel so blessed to be alive in 2009 experiencing the newness of it all.
I want to danse constantly, and while I know many people would probably judge me, maybe even the closest ones, I know that there would be people dansing along.
And that's beautiful.