26 February 2009

black like me

On Mardi Gras, I went out with my 4 closest friends.
Ladies drank free, which was more than alright with us. We talked, per usual, about the events and experiences that made up our day.
DM told about her lunch how she and a friend went to a like soul food restaurant , Somebody's Chicken and Waffles and her friend said she take one of her white friends there. She replied that she didn't have any white friends, but she would take me.
I laughed when she told me it.
I've never been considered black enough.
I went to predominately white schools and always blended in with the white kids.
I remember in 4th grade in New Jersey being called an Oreo and being really distraught before being really annoyed at the stupidity of
Only in college did I start heavily associating with black people. I got involved with BSA through meetings, participated in the MBOU pageant and was on exec.
It was a sort of culture shock being around so many people who looked like me, but in many cases had very different backgrounds and narratives than I had. That's one of the things I might miss a lot about leaving OU
It's whatever.
It's constantly on my mind how some people seem so fluid and can flow between cultures .I've always been thankful that I could be with other people and yet, keep myself. The only area that might be shaky in is my affinity for Jewish culture...
I can't help but think that the affinity that I have for other cultures is a gift from God. It's so random to be born in the United States of any given ethnicity,but to develop or foster a love for the unknown, in a sense to domesticate the unknown, so its not foreign, that's cool. I've recently picked up the memo that I've missed out on that Latin American cultures are beautiful and intriguing. I wish that I had been more actively involved with PanAm the last 4 years. I have until May 12 to make the most of it :)

24 February 2009

And Yes, I'm mad

P.S. While I'm krunk thoughts:
WHY do people get mad when they are told to be quiet when they are being LOUD?
WHY do unexcellent people always talk about being excellent?
What gives someone with a negative IQ the negative idea that they can talk to positive me?
What gives a known whore room to talk to a wife? (metaphor for yourself.)
What is the drug that the masses are on? It's not religion?
Why are fools so audacious?

Pearls before Swine...

I've always heard the adage that "people get the government that they deserve". I've always believed it.
Tonight confirmed it...
Let's flashback.
While Sen. John S.McCain would have been okay as president, the American people needed someone who spoke hope into a hope deprived situation. Someone who was intelligent, vibrant, youthful, and hot i.e. President Barack H.Obama.
Things we, Americans, fancy ourselves to be or hope that we are, our better natures.
Had McCain won, I would have viewed our baser selves winning.

There are always winners and losers in any election and tonight was no different.
In the words of the snotty maitre d'(hotel) in Ferris Bueller: "I weep for the future".
That's all I will say about that for now.

16 February 2009

Fortune favours the bold...

so the guy that i e-mailed, e-mailed me back.
that made me rather happy.
I assumed that he would,not in the presumptuous,"why wouldn't he way",but in a "there's no reason for him not to way".
I thought about today, twice, in an elevator and then in the library, I assume good things will happen. Most times they do. So I'm content and that's probably why I'm happy most of the time.
The problem comes in when things fall apart as Chinuwe said, then I'm disappointed. I still think I would rather be content most of the time than disappointed sometimes.
Score: 5011 for me 2 or so for Fear.
Some of the best experiences of my life have come from not being afraid or not being as afraid as maybe I should have been:
David, quite the experience (take me higher, hold me closer)
Julien (BEST story to date)
Hippie lady who blessed me
and now this...
I've been told by some, even people who are close friends that I'm too forward. In discussions I've had with people about cultural differences (North v. South) this has come up too.
I don't think my assertiveness, forwardness or decisiveness has hindered me at all thus far.
If anything, it's insured my happiness by insuring that I'm creating my life and not letting it happen to me.
I also do a fairly good job or being pursued when it gets serious,but I see nothing wrong with being honest about my feelings.
And it's worked thus far ;)

15 February 2009

Cupid Shuffle...

Valentine's Day came and went, and my life is no better nor any worse because of it.
It's really not all that serious.
If I was in a relationship I might have been more excited about the holiday,but I doubt it. Last year I was in Bordeaux and had just been told that someone needed space. I watched Chocolat and then La Mome with my roommates and I'm pretty sure nutella was involved.
We spent Valentine's Day ensemble in one of the most romantic cities in the world alone,but together. It matters who you're spending time with...
While I was walking today I thought about all the love that I could have celebrated yesterday...there's so much love in my world, I'm fortunate really to experience so much of it.
In particular my thoughts turned to Julien and the realisation that any part of my heart that is still open for occupancy or visitors is due entirely to him and to me allowing him in after damage had been done. It's like my heart and soul had gone through Katrina,but my friends and family were in Canada safe.
He was like FEMA, but less feckless, he actually came and rescued me.
I will forever be grateful to this kind, beautiful man.
Anyone who I end up marrying or dating seriously will have to send him a thank you card or gift or something...assuming that ever happens.

12 February 2009

What the Eph Am I doing?

I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona yesterday and it hit me. Hard.
Like Chuck Norrised me in the chest, then Jack Bauered me for good measure.
The synopsis is two Americain women go over to Barca and fall in love in different ways and for different reasons with this beautiful man. Juan Antonio(Javier Bardem) who is from the beginning very honest with the two women. He tells them he's very attracted to both of them and invites them for a weekend. One chica is down (I kind of identified with her in some ways, yet I'm not as brave as her) and the other is like "Hold up", we don't know him etc.etc. All very valid points, but kind of irrelevant.
Anyway lots of points come up in the movie about desire, honesty, and love:
How often have you seen someone and been like Hot Damn! this happens to me freuently and usually I don't act on it. This is the "normal" way to live. But the great/interesting experiences have come when I've decided to not be "normal" and act on that initial feeling. Why don't I do it all the time? Because like Vicky, I'm afraid to act.
Afraid to act in relationships.
Afraid to act on sending my ficiton out into the world.
Afraid to do the things I really want to do every moment of the day.
Some amount of restraint is good and keeps me from being locked up, but the ability to live free and honest is so enticing to me.
So today I took a small step.
I sent an e-mail to a guy I met last semester.
I liked his hair. and his smile.
The worst case scenario? He doesn't respond. or he responds, I hate you. Go die.
Chances are this won't happen.
Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Or not.
But at least now I get the chance to figure out how this story ends?Or even if it does?
I don't know.
I think it's always better to know.
Even with the hurt. It's better to know.
SO from now, I'm going to do what I want to do. As long as it doesn't hurt anybody else.

11 February 2009

Pleasant day

So, j'ai sechée tous mes cours aujourd'hui.
I skipped all of my (2) classes today and couldn't be happier.
I just had individual fitness and beginning guitar, so I think I'll be okay.
I had my physical so I can apply to go to France to be assistante and I felt bad because my medical history is pretty boring. Thankful, but bad. No broken bones, no surgeries, no allergies, not sexually active, not nothing.
Basically I could have done the physical by myself.
I spent a long time like 2.5 hours having lunch and café with this guy that I like un peu. Well more than un peu,but whatever and that was pleasant.

09 February 2009

Random Thoughts

*So I'm not sure how I feel about this whole bailout business and it's wholly for selfish reasons. I don't understand or feel that it will help my father or my family. And yes, that is one of the most important things to me right now. I need to read the bill before I judge it,but I've gathered that it will be heavy on creating jobs in infrastructure and NOT HELPING KEEP COMPANIES FROM FIRING PEOPLE which is a big problem. Yes, I'm even more sensitive since my dad has been out of a job,but it's really a growing concern for many families across socio-economic backgrounds.
*I ran into a recurring problem again today. I saw a good-looking man in a wheelchair today. I've seen him before and want to tell him I think he's cute (I do things like that) or even just talk to him. But, I don't want him to think I'm doing it just because he's in a wheelchair...This has happened before. I saw a really good looking, kind looking guy at Reagan a year and a half ago I think and wanted to talk to him. But I didn't. He was in fatigues, just having returned from somewhere serving our country, and one of his legs was gone. I didn't want him to think I was just making conversation because he was without a leg, or in the military. I wish I had talked to him...

08 February 2009

Je veux aller chex moi. I want to go home.

I want to go home.
When I became ill with the plague on Monday I knew I wanted to be in my Houston home with my family. But that is uite impossible,as we no longer live there. That's not even my family anymore.
Last night, when I woke up after a 5 hour "nap" at 00h30 and got pinched by discontent, I again wanted to go home.
Problem is, I don't know which home.
My family is in Nebraska. But they're also now in Oklahoma.
My homes, aren't just limited to seven different states I've lived in, they now include a little flat in Bordeaux. An even smaller place in Pessac. And even a a little country.
I haven't a clue where I really want to be. These moods come and go with me,but I fear that they will become even more freuent as my obligation to Oklahoma and in that sense, the States draws to an end.
What's to stop me from just leaving?
I don't know.
Not particularly, my family know how much I love them and how much that love has nothing to do with proximity.
I love my friends.The ones I seriously consider to be friends. There are under 10 people that I would miss being able to communicate with as I do now.
The only reason I want to get a job is so that I can give back to my parents because for far too long, I feel, I've been a burden on them.
I want to go home,but I know that I can't return to my high school home, the time for that has passed.
I said I don't know which home I want to go to,but that's not all the way true.
I do know...now I just need to find a way to make it happen. And marry that plan.