24 April 2009


I know it's silly. I acknowledge that is, to a certain extent embrace it and carry it with me.

I've been out of sorts lately, just doing a lot of thinking( in our reading discussion group we've talked so often about whether being aware of the complexities or futilities of life makes it impossible to be happy...I think so, but that's a post for another day.)
Anyway, I was in a bit of a bad mood and just hoping against hope that I would receive a letter from him.
I don't know why I said it was against hope,but it didn't seem likely to happen. I mean seriously how often does one will the Universe or implore God to do something and then it happens.
Not often, at least for me. Granted, I try not to make too many reuests...
Anyway, just as I was leaving the Union I changed my status to something slightly emo claiming that "one thing would make this week better, something very simple, just a little letter"
I went to the mailbox and there was nothing.
I resigned myself to the fact that today wouldn't be the day,but then I walked into the house to discover a package-the poetry anthology he had created.
I was overjoyed and almost started crying. I teared up.
It wasn't only a gift from him, but from God and life itself.
It was without a doubt the most beautiful thing to have happened today.
Thank you!

23 April 2009

Never a right time to say good-bye?

When I was a day camp counselor, we were told, rather counter-intuitively I thought, to end a game at the moment that the children were having the most fun.
Despite my initial qualms with this approach, it makes sense-leave them with good memories and wanting more... At times I feel like I'm in the middle of my favourite game, or at least the most familiar and it's about to end. I know it's about to end. I don't want it to, to a certain extent, because besides my brave persona I'm a little afraid, because while I know the schedule, I don't really know the rules of this next game...
Last night I sat on my deck with a friend in every meaning of the word drinking a bottle of wine, looking up at the stars, listening to Amos Lee and enjoying each other's company through conversation and argument. We discussed the desire to leave a situation when one feels good about the outcome, the impact and accomplishments instead of staying or coming back for more and then being faced with the possibility of leaving and wishing one had done more the second time around or so.
I share those thoughts from time to time,had I had more time I would have...done any number of things, but who knows what I would have missed out on? All in all I'm thankful for my past four years. The hard part for me are the melancholy and pensiveness that come to visit me in company with the inevitable good byes.
I'm horrid at good-byes, yet my life thus so far has been full of them. Living in seven different states, one other country makes good-bye a necessity. The fact that I have been happiest in new environments means that many more are to come...I wish that I had learned the steps of this dance better by now.
I cried when the family drove West on I-10 not wanting to face the unknown known as Texas.
I cried when the plane took off from JFK.
When I left Bordeaux I bawled as if my heart was being slowly unseamed from within my chest.
It wasn't in all reality. Only a small part of it was left there, as is normal for me.
When I went through a break up last year,I cried all the tears from through out the ages, I thought. But almost a year removed, looking back, I see that specific good bye as being necessary. What's scary is how a little more removed from the pain, I can understand him more than I ever could when we were together and even feel the faintest of all desires to want to thank him for the experience.
And now, I am once again at a rupture, a fault line, an end of a paragraph.
Like any journey, not everyone or everything will make it to the next leg of the journey.
It will hurt. Each time I accept a good bye for what it is, it will hurt, because that is who I am. The only thing that I know will definitely travel with me is this rosary of sorts.
I will always connect that sadness with sadness to come. I will string the new good byes to come with his and use them as a medium for my prayer, a rosary of tears ,but also of smiles and hope for more hellos.

Sometimes you can't hold on and sometimes there is not only a right time to say good bye,but a rightness in understanding, accepting, against one's, my, lesser inclinations that you can't control the world,the music, but only your steps in it.

Knocks you Down

I really like this Keri Hilson song:Knock You Down
It's so like real life...

19 April 2009

Ces Soirees La...

less than a month until graduation and I'm having the most fun!
My friend came up Friday night before he deploys to Irak.
I was really frustrated with him for not giving me more notice,but I should have been mindful of how quickly things change in their profession.
Anyway, after watching Revolutionary Road (ridiculous movie) my friends and I went to say hi to him and his crew, 4 really cool guys. I got to talk to one of them, Lee we'll call him, and he's 29 and this will be his 4th tour. Just a really sweet, interesting guy. He looked a lot younger than his age. And so did the other guys. It takes a special type of person to want to serve like these guys are about to. Multiple tours and just so kind. They really made an impact on me. Moreso than that, it makes me remember we're still in a war(two) with Nick going over I was cognizant of it,but now with the addition of these new friends, it's even more real...
I'm really glad that I got to meet them. The only downside is having more people to worry about and pray about while they're over there.
It never ceases to amaze me how people enter into life and either stay or go-the thing is one, well, I can't at least tell which people are going to be which...
Anyway, after several shots of Patron and my specialty drink I went to bed at 2 and woke up like a boss to volunteer for Big Event. I struggled under my blanket against the selfish side and the better nature and the latter won out. The group I went with went to a homeless shelter, more like a halfway house and cleaned out some rooms. We worked hard and efficiently and finished early so we didn't feel like we helped that much,but the director said we did. So I was happy. I was also extremely thankful, because as the song says "It could've been me..."
I felt fulfilled and pleased with myself for going.
Then I came home *tried(not very hard) to work on my Capstone paper and instead was convinced to go to the poolside and kick it with Ryan ,Nick and our new friends.
Yes, please.
Later, dipped by Paz's birthday party and had too much fun at 7.
Woke up this morning, went to church had a DELICIOUS meal, and then went to see the Harlem Renaissance exhibit before it leaves...

As the song says, "today was a good day"

16 April 2009

Ready to be gone

*I've been having dreams about being kidnapped and there disconcerting. The first one I woke up terrified, l'autre was simply odd. I researched to see what they could mean and either:

To dream that you are being kidnapped, denotes feelings of being trapped and restricted. Someone or some situation may be diverting your� concentration and your attention away from your goals.

I am experiencing
change in your environment. Loss of independence and freedom. Fear to assume responsibilities.

Any other possible outstanding issues that my mind feels better equipped to deal with while asleep rather than while awake and fully functioning.

I don't know.
I do feel a suffocating, trapped feeling as I'm not able to do what I want to right now, which is be in France already.
I am about to go through a big change, and will lose some independence and freedom once I move home...and in a way going to France is a way to not assume responsibilities as interpreted by mainstream Middle America...

I just can't wait to go.
And I don't leave until September :/ I've already begun looking up flights...It looks like Aer Lingus or Icelandair with a stopover in Rekyavek!...

07 April 2009

The Long and Winding Road...

So I wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon.
I said to myself, methinks it's time for an epic nap. So nap I did.
I went to sleep at 3h3oish intending to wake up and being productive(,but knowing the possibility of it not happening.)
At 7 I finally wake up, feeling slightly better and go to check my e-mail.
I see a subject line reading:
Acceptance into the French Teaching Assistantship Program 2009-2010

The letter continued:
Congratulations! We are very pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the French Teaching Assistantship Program for the 2009-2010 academic year, sponsored by the French Ministry of Education...
I read it overwhelmed.
Not only was I not expecting that after waking up from a nap,but I wasn't expecting to hear back so soon. They said they would notify us in May. Which is next month.
Furthermore, this almost didn't happen.
I missed the first deadline to apply. I was supposed to get a physical but was unable to at home over the break before I came back for the semester because of insurance issues. I was really sad,but didn't really think of it. I thought I'd be able to go Goddard and get a physical and still meet the deadline,but alas when I returned there was a flood and so they were backed up on appointments and so weren't able to schedule me in before the deadline.
At that time, I admit, I assumed it wasn't going to happen and I set my heart to finding another way to get back to France.
Then a miracle happened/French culture stepped in/divine providence:
I chatted with an acuaintance I rarely talked to and learned that she applied, after the fact to the assistantship program after having sent an e-mail to see if the deadline was a real deadline or a suggestion.
I did the same and found out it was the latter.
I know that God works all things out. And although I have no idea, very little idea to expect, I am thankful for the opportunity to live out my dream. It's beautiful because our Pastor has been talking about dreams and how they are gifts...We shall see.
I am so thankful and happy and blessed and all that.

What makes me even happier is that so many people are happy for me. I love celebrating other people's successes and happiness and it warms my heart that people care about me enough to share in mine.

The only thing is that i told mon cher and I didn't get the response I was hoping for. It really doesn't mean anything except I was a little sad. Granted what I would have loved is not his personality, so i should calm down...

01 April 2009

Poisson d'Avril!

SO I woke up this morning earlier than I thought I would. I went to bed later than I have been(00h45) and just knew I was going to be exhausted,but once again I surprised myself.
I woke up at 7h00 and read my Bible portions and then checked my e-mail only to discover that gMail is once again killing the e-mail game.
First the unsend button(not perfect,but still cool)
Now, a program ,AutoPilot, that responds back to e-mails as I would based on the context of the e-mail? YES PLEASE!
Yes, I'm entirely too excited about it,but I love it.
Next I made poissons (fish) for Poisson d'Avril.
In France for April Fools they(primarily children haha) make paper fish and try to put them on people's backs. I love the idea. I wish it was tradition to eat copious amounts of Swedish fish :)
Anyway, last year at the Chateau d'Oklahoma we made so many fish and put them a lot of places. Including a giant shark type fish that resided in the bathroom along with a creepy(great) Christmas picture of Sufjan Stevens, I think.
It was great.
And it's only 8h46 :)