I want the old me back

*Disclaimer* I hate complaining. I find it to be feckless and a drain on energy, but sometimes it's necessary at least to clear the negativity so I can keep running on sunshine and bubbles which is what most people think I run on instead of oxygen, confusion and hope...if that makes sense.

I'm in a rut and not sure how to get out of it. I know the normal tools I use, but for some reason have failed to implement them...

I'm a wee bit tired of my little town. I wanted to go to Nantes to socialise but vacillated too long deciding. Thus losing my opportunity to see a good friend and also someone I may or not be interested in that I had a dream about.
It's a Saturday night and I've youtubed like I was being paid. I'm not. I also ate McDonald's for the first time since October and (hopefully) the last time for a long time.
I was productive today because of the constant rain that dared me to come outside. It won. So I revised my CV (resume) and letter of motivation for two positions in French and English. So riddle me why I didn't send out the English one? I have a mental block. It's like I've suffered a loss of confidence, whether it be from the most recent failed relationship or what.
Not just in the professional future aspect, but in another way too. The kind of attractive (there's something about him) guy who works at the lycee. He was finally there on Friday and instead of strolling up to him like I envisioned, I walked cautiously and asked him in horrid French if he wanted to join my English Club for professors... I felt like a little kid. A feeling I detest.

I'm also not in love with 2010 so far. A year that began with so much optimism on the part of so many has turn into a living hell for so many. My heart aches for those in Haiti who are suffering Italian migrants,Iranians, Israelis, Palestinians...all of humanity.


This week I need to get it together and reinvigorate the Kayle who talks to strangers at will, decides what she wants and goes after it, who believes in herself and acts on that belief...

I'm ready for February vacation. It will be beneficial to go down South (Spain, Italy maybe the Cote d'Azur again...)I need to get my groove back.

Bonne Nouvel Annee!

So...it's been awhile.
I accomplished my goal of having the most fun in Paris. I spent most of the time palling around with Mark and his friends, The Dirty Rascals. (www.dirtyrascals.org) We didn't really have a plan, and that ended up for the better. I had so much fun just relaxing and walking about it was lovely. The first time I was in Paris I did many of the "must-see"sites. This time around, my "must-see" was a "must-eat" L'as du falafel.More on that later.
So the above pictures is of me, Jane (a new friend)Alison and Fedora.
We met Mark and them by the Seine under a bridge to shoot the breeze and wave at mere tourists on river boat cruises.

The excitement of spending New Year's in Paris was amplified ,for me, by the fact that it was the beginning of a new decade and hopefully a chance for the world to be renewed again.
Also the beginning of my birthday month. (I love my birthday)
On 31 December, we headed over to their flat to do some pre-partying and warming up for our epic walk to the Champs-Elysees(well purportedly it all went down) After shennanigans ,we decided to start the walk. Commenced the singing (one of the few times in my French life that I give in and act a fool in the streets) of Beachboys songs and walked toward our goal-L'Arc de Triomphe. Sooner or later we grew tired of that and found a functioning metro line.(In fact, all the Metro lines were free from about 7pm on) I made the acuaitance of a group of Indian men after yelling responding to their yells and one of them kissed me on my face=not cool.
Fastforward past the epic struggle to use restrooms in our time of need (pretty sure that violates some EU convention) and we are on the Champs Elysees. Where it all goes down. However, Andrew, who was our leader of sorts on this expedition was itching to go to the Eiffel Tower....we deliberated,but then I realised if we did that too long we'd miss the show. Whatever show there was to be. I asked a police officer (scaringly dashing in their black Power Rangereske uniforms) what he recommended and he said the Eiffel Tower because they'd have fireworks there...
So we start walking with a fury toward the Tower, I ask another policeman if we're going the right way (because while wine is good for warming up cold sojourners, it's not so good for navigation) and I'm pretty sure he lied to me. Like straight up falsified. I asked another, older police officer to be sure and he dismissed the other guy as a young fool basically.We then chatted about youth these days and their poor direction giving.
Finally we were on track. We followed Andrew as he followed the searchlight emanting from the sky. It was no alien ship, but 15 minutes later we'd discover le Tour Eiffel...with 15 minutes to spare, and we even got relatively close. As the countdown begun we rejoiced in our good fortune to have found it, what with there being soooo many Eiffel Towers we said adieu to 2009 and waited for the fireworks and pizzazz to begin...at the stroke of midnight the Eiffel Tower illuminated the night sky with the light of a million small diamonds,then a multi-coloured scheme that would have put Joseph to shame and then more colours and more.
But no fireworks. Haha, so make that two officers who lied.
All in all though, it was a magnificent night. Celebrating it in the midst of an old friend and many new ones. Celebrating surviving another year, and offering prayers and hopes(in our own ways) for a sweeter new one.
Bonne Nouvelle Annee

Pangea

I have a shirt at home, Stateside , that says "Pangea: breaking up is hard to do"
It's one of my favourites.
Speaking of Pangea, Julien and I broke up Sunday and I couldn't be more relieved.
I won't recount all the nuisances and stress he put me through in the last weeks, but suffice it to say, I'm not sad.
I have ,however,decided that I'm through with Frenchmen.
Poor decision possibly since I'm here until at least April( maybe May, September at the latest...)

Wait, say What? Monday

Oh what a day!
Basically everyone was crazy acting at the lycee.
To begin.
There's one teacher, who is usually really cool to me. Always speaks to me whether in English or French. He's always eager to speak English which makes me happy,and helps me with my French. He has great curly black hair, is always smiling and makes for a fun lunch room when the other French teachers ignore me or speak too fast.
So today,after lunch, he gets the brilliant idea to play ping pong on a table.Without a net. So we commence to play and have the most fun and some of the teachers were jealous.
Fast forward 2 hours to another break in the day when he decides to teach me Pétanque.
With tennis and ping pong balls.
It was a lot of fun. I wasn't too shabby. Then in the mdist of our fun walks a youngish teacher who looks full of mischief. Fun Friend says "she is the cause of many problems for me" in English. I took it as a joke, and it was.Every time he began his roll, she kicked or threw his tennis balls. A chase ensued ending with another teacher picking up this waif of a woman and my friend tickling her.
After that I walked over to the announcement board and noticed a sign for a holiday gathering. One of the teachers explained that I was more than invited and I said I'd see. (gotta keep 'em guessing). Before hand, one of the professors will open her flat up for drinks before the meal (aperetifs).
"My flat is small though,but everyone is more than welcome"
The English teacher I work with warns me "These teachers are crazy,especially when they're drunk"
My Fun Friend (MFF)says "Her flat might be small,but she has a big bed."
Me: *Blank expression* then I burst out laughing.
MFF continues:"Yes,there's room enough for all the professors, you should have seen it..."
Me: Oh yea?
Then I laugh myself away from the situation.

Fastforward to class:
Background: In the words of Chalie Boy probably not the finest, probably not the finest, but then again I might be depending on your bias" The pupils at my lycee have decided that I am the object of their adolescent desire. Not because I'm hot,awesome, intelligent, etc.but simply I think because I'm a young, new female.

Back to class.
I had one of my favourite classes and they didn't disappoint me. We started off talking about Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day and I shared about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa in addition to Christmas. Great, awesome.
All the while, they're chatting, making silly comments in English and French. I probably let a few "Oh my goshes" or "Oh my G**s" slip.They were being outrageous, but in English.
One of my students, Pierre Henri(who is a true player for real) asked me about liking bananas (a not so subtle inneundo for male anatomy) but I didn't understand why...He then rambles in Franglais about "god" and I tell him the translation (Dieu=God) and then all of the precious lambs laugh at my expense and begin to explain that in French slang "gode" is the same as "un banane" which is the same as a ...yea
so everytime I would say "Oh G**" they got a kick out of it.
Pierre Henri then says in English (so I couldn't be mad) "Oh madame, it's getting hot in here...shall we open a window?
I tried not to laugh.And failed.I might have blushed.
Then we played "Never have I ever"-good for getting them to talk. Pierre Henri and his besties decided the slips of paper I gave them must have been for their numbers.So they gave me their numbers for my use, I suppose.
It was quite the day. But I'm glad of it. In the words of Ice Cube "Today was a good day..."

This is the way I live...

So, I thought I should update.
The weather was damn near perfect today for December. It was sunny and 13 degrees and I seized the opportunity to go walking. Each time I walk to the beach regardless of clouds, or what, I feel overwhelmed with thanks that I get to live by the ocean.
There's something cleansing, healthy and even cathartic about smelling ,seeing and being at the ocean. I think it's because it makes the distance seem shorter between me and my loved ones Stateside.
I was overcome with thanks and happiness seeing everyone and their mum walking along the Remblai enjoying the sun that graced us for far longer than it has in the past month or so.

I love being a Sablaise!

Dimanche Update

So, it's another grey day in Les Sables d'Olonne.
I'm not sad though. I've decided to accept it,even if I can't embrace it yet. (What good does it do me to be pissed off because of the rain when it rains tout les freakin' temps here?) I've also decided to stop letting myself associate the rain with sadness.
Stateside I love rainstorms. Especially the loud, powerful ones that grace Oklahoma, Nebraska and Texas. The rain here is timid,but consistent. I can learn to love it.
I'm currently in bed,nice and warm listening to country music.
There's something about listening to George Strait, Tim McGraw, Martina Mcbride, Reba and of course Johnny Cash that makes me feel reassured about my place in the world,even if I don't know it yet. I'm thankful that I grew up with a diverse music background when I was little. Some of my friends thought it odd that I know the lyrics to most Strait songs, or turn to Tim McGraw when I need to be reminded of home,but it is what it is.

I've been listening to French music too though, and especially dig M.

Last night my responsable, Nathalie,and I went out for dinner. It was really nice. We spoke in French the entire time and I had an ephiphany-I don't speak French all that terribly. I tell people don't speak it so that they aren't disappointed,but en fait I can carry on a 3 hour conversation about my anxiety about my future, my odd relationship, my homesickness, my political views etc... I should give myself more credit in the French speaking area...although there's still tons of room for improvement.

This week will consist of holiday lessons at the lycee. I've decided to drop some knowledge on these kids by talking about Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. (Holidays that I celebrate in some manner each year) I'm excited.

Oh and last. On my Samedi agenda was planning my future, ambitious, but did I do...Yea Buddy! Cuz I'm rolling like a big shot :)

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

So I've hit the doldrums part of my stay here...A lot of assistants seem to be hitting it too...which is not great, I'd prefer for them to be happy,but misery does love company, or at least enjoys knowing she's not alone.
Haha
That's the main problem.Being away from my family and friends during the holiday season is hard. I knew it would be hard (and could be harder),but I don't enjoy feeling this melancholy.
On the flipside, regardless of my relationship status, I don't have to be alone for Christmas. I'm really fortunate to have great friends all over Europe who want me to spend it with their families...So I don't have to be physically alone, but emotionally alone is still a possibility...
Oh well, as the old ones say, "This too will pass"...and when it does, I know I'll wish for it again.